reese's pieces

apocalypto

2010-01-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

ok lauren - this one's for you...

so i realize that this exposes as much if not more about me and how i spend my time than it does about the subject matter - but i give you (at least) 2 reasons why we deserve whatever armageddish, apocaclysmic, phanspastigorical fate 2012, (or its agent(s), LLC) drops upon us.

Making dinner last night and listening to NPR like a good little liberal, I heard a story about pitchmen...Billy Mays (rip) and the rise of the cheap, crappy products. It seems that a down economy leads to more ad times going at a cut rate. Introducing...the sluggie, the scatchop, etc.

Later, as I was watching TV, (it's Armageddon week on Discovery!) I saw an ad for "the brownie saviour" or somesuch. my mother in law got one of these for Christmas from a friend, and i really hope she enjoys it. i can't believe i've been without one for so long. apparently the bake sales of my youth were littered with jagged, lumpen turds we passed off as brownies! it's a wonder we ever sent little timmy to camp. luckily, we now have the brownie saviour. it seems that we need a tool to cut brownies into perfect rectangles for us. i thought i had one of those. i call it a knife. but in a moment of tv super nova - i saw the brownie saviour jump its own shark - right in the middle of "apocalypse island" (real show)...when i saw the ad for the big top cupcake. that's right. sit down, brownie. there's a new confectionary tool in town. and what could a nation of morbidly obese possibly need more than a ginormous caricature of pastry?

one you can fill with pudding.

by the way, the link goes to an "as seen on tv" website - in itself blog fodder - because while that site is delightfully snarky (read the blurb), the people posting comments are all too earnest.

is that? i think it's...horses...?

so after the discovery channel show, i ended up on MTV. this very rarely happens, which is the only explanation for why it has taken so long for me to bring you - "jersey shore."

for the uninitiated, "js" is a terrifyingly low-budget love child of the real housewives and the real world - or really - as rob put it absolutely best, "it's like a whole show of that website with the douchebags." (btw - i re-found that site by googling, "tanned mullet jersey boys." second link. thank you, master google. suck it, bing. seriously - why do we need you?

so i think the premise (a la RW) is that 7 or 8 of south jersey's most haggard head down the shore for the summer to see how much penicillin a body can process in 2 months. they share a fairly ish house - it's ok, but plainly, not a real world-style remodel...there's a substantial amount of carpet. at least, for now. i have no doubt the landlord has been forced by the county to tear it up since the show aired.

now, i have no idea how old these people are...intellectually, i know they can't be older than 25, but it didn't stop me from applying a thicker layer of face cream than usual before bed. all of the characters have "other names" (yes, in quotes) most of which make no sense. like jen, is "jwoww" - unless they mean it like, "hey isn't that the girl we went to middle school with? you know, j---woww...no yikes, that must be her grandmother." but i don't think that's how they mean it. i really don't. there's another guy named mike, but next to his name it always says, "the situation." wtf does that mean? don't get me wrong, i enjoy doing a little mike tyson voice in my head every time i see it, but, again - i really don't think that's the point.

so in the episode i watched, "snooki" (who looks like what might have happened if elvira and christina aguilera had a really ugly baby together), gets punched in the face by a stranger (a relatively normal - if admittedly rotten guy) after she shoves a massive fake nail in his face and unleashes a stream of invective..wha?? he was taking her shots!! nobody messes with "wookie!!!" especially not at the beachcomber on shot night! oh - and then "the situation" was totally trying to "creep" (their word. and it means exactly what you think it does) on some random girl. and that just really pissed off jwoww and ronnie (no quotes...they can't fit on the screen with his massively steroided body) because, like, it's kind of in poor taste...and what about "snoggie?" it was like "the situation" didn't care about her at all! and she's a really sweet girl.

i wish i could make this up - but i am beginning to think that in 2012, we're all going to have seen one (too many) "js" episode and throw ourselves upon the mercy of the mayan sun god.

do you think he might like a giant cupcake?

in praise...

2009-12-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

i know. i'm the worst blogger ever. how can i complain that no one ever reads my blog, when can't even be counted on to write once a quarter? alas - one of my many charming imperfections. even more unusual than being moved to write, is that what compels me today is not a rant against 4th meal, or a rotating cheeseburger log at 7-11, or even the jaw-dropping horror that is "mail order bride" on NatGeo...(seriously - don't get me started on that.) today, i have little or no snark at all. i just want to praise something absolutely delicious.

Spring Hill is in our neighborhood. it's been good from the outset, but has gotten better and better. chef fuller and his kitchen staff cook with care, creativity, love and attention, and quite simply - it shows. it would be one thing to praise brunch - even a good one, but i am much too lazy to do that. i'm compelled to write because the dish i'm obsessed with is such a totally improbable one for me.

my friend allison and i went in for brunch a few months ago. rob and i had been, and i was excited for her to try the dish i loved - sauteed mushrooms, toast and their amazing eggs. spring hill water-bath-poaches their eggs which yields an amazing, tender texture all the way through. we ordered like 12 other things, and she was most excited about a quinoa waffle with chicken nuggets and sausage gravy. i smiled politely.

i don't have anything against fried chicken and waffles as a concept. salty, sweet, crisp, etc...i get it. and in the spirit of full disclosure - i will confess, i've never actually had them - together. but i'm leery of waffles. they're rarely crisp enough. i like fried chicken, but it's heavy. and - come on - it's finger food. waffles are fork food. i'm just not sure i get it.

spring hill likes to tweak things - enough to be inventive, not so much that you lose the essence of the original. when allison and i had it, i thought - i don't love this - but rob might. we ate it last - after the 12 other things, and it got cold. nuggets should not be cold. (oh - did i mention that the nuggets are like commercial chicken nuggets - but homemade?...the hash browns are like that too - they look like they could come in a paper sleeve, but they're fresh and real and really good.) it's kind of precious - in a good way.

in any case - of course i agreed to have the waffle, but to me, breakfast means eggs and potatoes, everything else is subject to negotiation and swappery. and the very thought of sausage gravy is kind of repellent to me. it's very unattractive...let's be honest. it looks much more like something that is unexpectedly evacuated from the body than something one electively ingests. in any event, i tried a teeny tiny bit of the sausage gravy and while i was glad i'd tried it - i didn't feel the need to repeat the experiment. but that waffle...even cool...i couldn't keep away from it. the quinoa gave it more crunch than usual and there's thyme in the batter...a nice hit of savory to offset the sweet.

rob and i finally went back a few weeks ago and i ordered my eggs and mushrooms and he ordered the chicken and waffles. this time, it did not get cold. my egg dish, which is still really, really good, just paled in comparison. the waffle was every bit as good as i remembered it being...maybe better. nuggets, when eaten hot, are amazing, and i have to admit - in this very particular application - when prepared by people i trust - and in small dips - i like the gravy.

a brunch without eggs and with sausage gravy - who would have believed?

eat it.

tc two-fer!

2009-02-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

i was out last wednesday night and never found the re-broadcasts of tc. it was a very "real housewives" week on bravo. so last night i had myself a double shot of tc.

the last challenge in NY determined which of the remaining 5 would make it to the final four in new orleans. wylie dufresne came in to judge the quick fire. since wylie is known for being one of the US pioneers of molecular gastronomy, that had to play into the challenge. additionally, the contestants had to frame their dishes around eggs. most of them did cool looking stuff...but, imo, the finn's custard with mango puree looked the coolest and the tastiest. the custard mimicked an egg white (though, cleverly, it contained yolks), and the suspended puree within (which had egg whites in it) oozed like a yolk once broken. btw - he didn't call that a panna cotta, did he? he better not have... carla did a green eggs and ham inspired dish, which won. she was the only contestant to do just one thing, and it was clear that her focus paid off.

the elimination was very impressive - prepare the "last meal" request for 5 famous chefs. the knife draw (which determined who cooked for whom) seemed staged...fabio drew lydia bastianich (an italian) the finn drew marcus sammuelson (a swede) hosea drew susan ungaro (he wants to be famous - she makes people famous) carla drew jacques pepin (she's a classic french cook - he's french) and leah drew wylie dufresne. i missed most of what she said, but i got the sense that she thinks their styles are compatible. whatever - leah had to get someone. i suppose.

the last meal requests were all very classic, and the chefs were left to figure out whether or not they should put their own spin on things, or whether they should keep the meal classic. and i wrestled with this too. every time they get a challenge, they're told to show the judges who they are as chefs. but, if it's really your last meal - do you really want your palette or your assumptions challenged? do you want to be wowed? or do you want to be comforted? i think chefs - for sure - want to be comforted.

leah made eggs benedict, hosea had scampi and tomatoes provencal, fabio had roast chicken & potatoes with a green salad, the finn had roasted salmon and spinach, and carla had squab and peas. somehow, fabio broke his finger in the kitchen. it was a little peculiar that they never really explained how or what happened, but he can always be relied upon for some great quotes. when asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, he said of his finger, "i'll chop it off and sear it on the flat top so it doesn't hurt anymore and then tomorrow i'll deal with having 9 fingers." and then he said something about boots in his ass and his need to extract them that, frankly, i did not want to understand then, and still don't. just before judges table, tom came into the kitchen and said - "lot of important people out here - don't fuck this up and make me look bad." thanks, tom! way to inspire.

the guests all sat on one side of the table - a kind of amusing homage to the last supper... first up was leah, who (foreshadowing) thinned her hollandaise just before service. judges agree - thin hollandaise, eggs maybe a little underdone. i wrote "c+ effort" next was the finn - who way overcooked the salmon. he added a dill sauce and said something about spinach 2 ways (creamed and sauteed) but the judges seemed confused. finn very cocky - as usual - but it was clear he was in the bottom. hosea next - i thought his plate looked very banquet-y. judges liked it, but thought it traded looks for flavor a little. fabio (who hacked that poor chicken up with a cleaver) despite his injury, cooked a great roast chicken. classic, well-seasoned, etc. judges loved it. carla was last, and while there was a little disagreement about the doneness of the squab, everyone loved the peas, and jacques - perhaps the most adorable man alive said, "zee peez are absolutely scrumptious. i could die happy wiz zat." holy shit. and i started to wonder if i could call carla the dark horse of the competition without irony. i decided i could not, but also decided i was ok with the irony. so fabio wins, and despite the fact that the finn's dish was probably the worst, leah gets the axe, because, let's face it - she was the weakest chef. and i hate her. and she's whiny and annoying. and no one is sorry to see her go. in fact, you can see hosea is relieved, even though he says some nonsense about "having someone else to win for." he sucks.

the finale...(part one)

so the chefs all head to NOLA, for the finale. they meet at the airport. carla looks awesome - her hair is straight and fierce. the same can not be said for fabio, who has ill-advisedly gone 1989 billy ray cyrus without the tail. guys, if you have curly hair, you may *not* faux hawk. the finn looks curiously bloated and hosea looks as dumb as thick as ever. the chefs head to some outdoor place for the quick fire, and i turn to rob and say, now they'll bring back eliminated contestants somehow. sure enough - the quick fire pits 3 eliminated contestants against each other to see who will join the top 4 for the elimination challenge, which will knock them down to 3. (math is confusing - but it will all become clear soon enough.) the 3 competitors are jeff, tats (!!) and leah. hosea is clearly dismayed to see leah, (as am i) and i've got to confess - i have a glimmer of hope that my day one prediction would be resurrected. i wrote, "if jamie is back - I AM A GENIUS!" but alas, emeril did not get my memo, and picks chase-alike to go back into the fray. the chefs then go to delmonico's for dinner whereupon i have a revelation.

seated next to one another are hosea and the finn. they look alike (esp. now that the finn has expanded). they are dressed alike, and they are equally annoying, but in different ways. they all like a fish dish, and hosea is quick to claim that it's very regional. the finn dismisses him, and says it's very classically french. (cut to shot of hosea clenching his jaw) i decide that the finn represents the old world, and hosea the new world. the finn is arrogance, and hosea is lack of confidence (clumsily and beefily masked with bravado). i wrote, "i am irked that hosea is so annoying, he makes me root for the finn. i hate the finn!" whatever - it was 10:30.

so for the elimination challenge, the chefs are cooking at delmonico's. fabio points out that, "[emeril] has all kinds of tools...ovens, stoves..." fabio is amazing. the chefs are cooking for a masquerade ball and have to make 2 dishes (one creole) and a cocktail. if jeff doesn't win - he's out for sure along with one other. if he does win - 2 of the others are out. there is much discussion (bordering on red herring-ing) about roux. once again, hosea and the finn are pitted against one another. chests are puffed, units are measured and compared...etc. etc...the finn is laissez-faire about the whole thing...much attention is paid to his frequent smoke breaks, and it just becomes painfully clear that he'll be in the bottom because of his attitude.

so clarla wins, hosea is second, chase-alike is sent back to his medical career and the euros are in the bottom together. and i have another revelation (it's 11:05 at this point, but it's never too late for revelation.) the euros represent 2 distinct factions of the old world. on the one hand - we have the finn (who - btw, was raised in germany) on the other, we have the italian.

fabio represents soul, and the finn represents execution (minor pun intended - he would pull a switch, i have no doubt.) rob and i debated which (soul or execution) was more valuable. we agreed that in music - it's soul, but in cooking - you've got to give the edge to execution. as much of an asshole as the finn has shown himself to be - he's plainly a more consistent chef. and so we bid a fond farewell to fabio, who (no doubt) will get his own show...hopefully it will be called, "empty clamshell of love" and are on to the FINNale. i am hopeful urkel will beat down the testosterone twins, but think i may actually like hosea even less than the dreaded finn.

after next week, i'll actually have to think of something real to write about. suggestions welcome.

the fall of top scallop!

2009-02-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

so i'm just going to get this out of the way - i predicted tats mcgee would take the whole enchilada, and, clearly, i was wrong. i accept defeat gracefully - which (no surprise) is more than i can really say for tats herself. but we'll get to that later.

last night was the much-anticipated (by me) eric ripert challenge. i confess, i have not eaten ripert's food. and i often think of him as a thicker, greyer, french version of bourdain. (they really look a lot alike, right?!) rob can't look him...it's the nose, and this from a guy who is often fascinated with noses. i don't mind the nose, but really what i love about ripert is his accent. it's better than french...it's fluffy and french. you have to hear him say "tony" sometime. it will truly break your heart.

so ripert...he's french, and he's known for seafood. the quickfire was great - a true test of chefly ability. the chefs had to break fish in a progressive challenge - the bottom two in each round being disqualified, and the top 4, then 2 continuing. the first fish was sardine - arguably harder than the second fish, arctic char. final fish was eel (eek!) i thought this was a great challenge - i would have been screwed...! carla and tats were out after the first round - mangled the sardines, as i would have. leah gave up during the char round. she bugs...whiny and defensive. italian lost it that round too, so the final 2 were hosea and the finn. naturally the finn won. he's clearly the one to beat...i might like to beat him (literally) with the eel, but whatever - good challenge, and his fish was beautiful.

so they then get to have lunch at le bernardin, and there are 6 chefs and 6 courses, so it's pretty obvious the challenge is going to be to recreate one of the dishes. because stefan won the quickfire, he gets to pick the dish he's making. everyone else draws knives. i won't go into each dish, but top 3 were carla (go DC!) the italian and the finn. oh finn...he won, and gets to stage with ripert in 3 restaurants - an absolutely top-notch prize.

bottom 3 were hosea, leah and tats. tats was ultimately sent home for over-salted braised celery, and kind of missing on the sauce. she was (typically) really annoying about it...she wasn't inspired, she didn't like the dish, she's bored by ripert's food (!!) she should have been booted for attitude alone. but i hated the editing just before she was eliminated. the judges sat at the table, and were kind of debating who (tats or leah) should go. the question posed - which was allegedly the determining factor was - is it better to know your mistakes and why you made them (tats) or to have no idea what you were doing? (leah) obviously there were other factors - or they threw that question in to make tat's inevitable ouster seem like a twist - but the fact of the matter is, that's a pretty key question, and i defy anyone to pick leah over tats in that scenario. i thought, btw that tats was my least favorite - until the very end when i turned to rob and said, "oooh, i hope it's leah!!" now i get to root either for carla or the italian to beat the finn. top finn?

file under: are you kidding?

2009-02-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

watching tennis late on saturday night, i saw an ad for this vital piece of technology. are we chipping our children, now? maybe you should just put down the crackberry at the park, m'kay?

and naturally, there's more.
we have gone horribly wrong as a country, when susie and mike in denver really believe their kids need this.

of course, there are children in this world who could seriously benefit from this kind of protection. unfortunately, they have other problems.

top chef and top disgusting

2009-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

i'll get to the recap momentarily, but first i feel the need to share yet another spoke on the wheel of the apocalypse. convenience products are nothing new, and surely it will get worse before it gets better, but these 2 are the ones currently feasting on my tender soul:

first, i give you batter blaster aka - waffles (and pancakes!) in a can. just shake and spray...it's spray cheese for the carbohydrate set.

the site is totally worth checking out - not least of all for the video demo, but maybe best of all - you can download a batter blaster ringtone! do check out the "press" section for lots of "i was initially skeptical, but then i tried it" commentary, and to read the full text of a SF Chronicle interview with the founder. not that you need to. the best quote is here, talking about his now wife when they were dating: "She loves waffles," O'Connor said. "And when we started dating, it was like 'Oh yeah, baby, I'll make you waffles.' That's what got me back into mixing the batter." i find that entire quote deeply, deeply dirty. and it makes me so tired to think that this completely useless product will succeed because a) it's organic and b) the packaging is "environmentally sound"

can i just mention that A BOWL is even more environmentally sound?

and speaking of pesky bowls...the second comes from the fine folks at betty crocker. it's bisquick, but in a plastic jug. you just add water and shake! it's so easy, i want to cut myself. you can see a photo of the product on the homepage linked in a sec. note how very much it looks like laundry soap. it's worth a visit to the bisquick site if only to click on the link for "emergency meals." weirdly, a bunch of people wrote into the bisquick site to tell the makers of bisquick that their "emergency" meal of choice is...pancakes. go fucking figure.

why do people take the time to do this? don't they see that they're just doing for free (providing content) what other people get paid to do? and guess what? "user generated content" is shit content. not that i'm particularly likely to hang out on the bisquick site, but if i did, and happened to click on "emergency meals" i kind of expect to see some mcgyver shit. you know, like, in an actual emergency - bisquick can be baked on rocks in the hot sun and eaten as crackers...or even something as simple as, out of flour? no worries, you can make a cake if you just substitute bisquick and don't add baking powder. something useful. but no. because god forbid you should actually *cook* with an edible product....wouldn't want you getting any crazy ideas and causing a run on bowls at target. the content is moronic. and because it's free for them, the fine folks at betty crocker aren't complaining. and because bus people love to have their photos on the internets, regardless of how stupid it makes them look, we get pancakes. ok

and now onto TC

is it just me, or does this show get more predictable every week? this week, they were back to hawking corporate sponsorship - the quickfire was the "quaker oats challenge" in which each chef had to make something with oats. birdy carla loves the oats (no surprise there). she made tofu and some kind of oat and lentil salad. looked ok. all of the other contestants except the finn used the oats to crust something and then fried it - kind of eliminating any potential health benefits from the whole grain, but what does quaker care? they mentioned quaker oats 20 times...mission accomplished. arrgh!

the winner was the finn - who made...banana mousse parfait, i think? it looked like pap to me. made some ugly little oat cookie and some oat brittle. has he made banana mousse before? it seemed oddly familiar. anyway - the days of immunity have gone, and so his prize was first pick in the main challenge.

in honor of the super bowl, the main challenge was TC5 vs the "all stars" from past seasons. note the quotes, because clearly, TC is taking some liberties with the phrase "all stars." there were no winners, or even place-ers or show-ers in this challenge. we got spike and crazy andrew and the vegetarian and josie and chunk and a couple other chicks. padma was dressed, as she often is, in a slightly porny version of the theme. in honor of football, she looked like a naughty referee. rob said he thought she might have gotten a second job at foot locker. i noted that leather pants were not de rigueur last time i was at FL, though it has been a while. as the winner of the quickfire, the finn got to select which region he would cook, and which "all star" to compete against. he picked the vegetarian, andrea (who isn't even a vegetarian) and chose texas, because, i guess, it's meaty and he thought he could cream the vegetarian. (foreshadowing...)

the rest of the chefs all decided as a team what region they would each cook from, and then faced off against the corresponding "all stars." so...tats mcgee took san francisco (of course), chase-alike took miami (duh), carla took new orleans, hosea (who is realllly starting to bug me, by the way. he said something was ironic when it wasn't and just looks like a dumb-ass more and more frequently) took seattle, leah took NY, and the poor italian got stuck with green bay. judging was split between the judges and audience (culinary students?) weighted toward the judges...though, oddly, if the judges were split, the audience determined all the points - which actually seemed a little weird. i don't know why they didn't keep the points separate - but anyway - this is nitpicking. most of the dishes seemed fine - if boring. tats made cioppino - with crab only - and whoever she competed against made something that looked gross. carla made gumbo with the whitest roux i have ever seen, and then bizarrely served it over polenta, but the judges liked it. hosea and leah both got some points. bottom 3 were the finn, the poor italian and chase-alike. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

then the italian said something else about monkey-ass and added fried bananas, which made me wonder from where in italy, exactly, he hails. i liked the shout-out to bananas, but it lost something in the translation. he overcooked some venison and shredded some cheddar cheese (!!!!) onto a green salad, whereupon it immediately wilted and sweated and looked like something you'd get at an olive garden in green bay. the finn's dish was apparently not as bold as andrea's, so while it wasn't actively objectionable, it wasn't good enough to win (subtext - finn clearly safe) and then chase-alike made ceviche with his usual 86,000 components. he went up against...josie who made "hot ceviche" which sounds, frankly, repellent. it also looked awful, but she got all possible points, leading me to one possible conclusion - which is that chase-alike is a terrible terrible cook who works at a place that sounds like a sex toy. seriously - we're like 15 weeks in, and every time i see "dilido beach club" i omit a letter and get a little start. judges table was bad for both chase-alike and the italian, but the italian was spared (because he's funny). i will say that both guys handled it well - the italian seemed genuinely grateful to get another chance (i give him 1-2 weeks tops) and chase-alike took the responsibility for his loss upon himself rather than blaming anyone else.

but overall - zzzzzzzz.

NO

2009-01-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

no
no
no

this has gone too far. i was reading a posting on FB by the lovely and talented chef shannon herman, which linked to the LA Times blog. the blog posting touts bacon as the new outre ingredient for desserts. i've had bacon candy, i've had bacon ice cream and i've had bacon truffles. they're ok. i get it. smoky, salty and sweet. i'm unlikely to be convinced that there's a better iteration of that combo than plain old maple syrup and bacon. but whatever. there are only so many ingredients out there, and chefs and cooks need to mash them up and create new trends, whether i like them or not. though, for the record, please keep your bacon out of my martini. a little further into the blog, i saw a related post listing 1,001 things to do with bacon. so i started scrolling through. i only made it to 19...whereupon i saw something so unholy, so completely wrong, it inspired this posting.

just typing this makes me want to throw up. see what i go through for you? ok, it's a cheeseburger, with a fried egg, and bacon, sandwiched between 2 krispy kreme glazed doughnuts. i'm not making this up. how sick and wrong can you get? first of all, and i know this trend has it's fans, but as much as i adore bacon with eggs, and bacon with cheeseburgers, i think the fried-egg-on-burger is gilding the lily a bit. secondly, KK doughnuts are just too soft and sweet for my taste to begin with. they're like warm frosted wonder bread o's. i can very clearly imagine the sugary, greasy, sludgy, wet paste those doughnuts (and the intrepid fingers holding them) would become. and now, you...you minion of satan, you want to go ahead and put them all together? pass the nitroglycerin.

you can see one particularly unappetizing photo of the monstrosity on the LA Times site. Paula Deen, of food network fame made a version she calls, the "ladies brunch burger." since it was prepared by food stylists, it's much more attractive than the LA Times version. but it's still gross. see it here.

there should be a law that if you eat one of those things, you pay out of pocket for your (inevitable) bypass surgery. my premiums do not need to reflect your callous disregard for burgers, bacon, eggs and your heart.

can i light your...candle?

2009-01-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

oh, restaurant wars...the much-anticipated TC episode in which the top 2 quickfire winners get to be the chef-owners of a (non-existent) restaurant for an evening. tats mcgee basically called the episode within the first 15 seconds when she said that the chef of the losing restaurant almost always goes home. she's right. so, frankly, the smart bet would have been to blow the quickfire, or to do what tats did - something fine, but not exciting. after a pretty uninspired 30 minutes, the winners were leah and radhika. given the foreshadowing, it seemed pretty clear that one of them would be going down.

since TC seems to have degenerated into a Rock of Love facsimile, i was a little concerned that "going down" might be more literal than figurative. my fears were at least partially confirmed, as the initial drama was not on the plate, but rather on the divan, where leah and hosea made out on camera. they both awoke chagrined, (one hopes at least not entirely because they were on film) and the ensuing chatter and editing made them both appear unusually distracted and unfocused on the task at hand. for the novice viewer, this might have seemed to be still more foreshadowing, implying leah's (long anticipated and well-deserved) ouster. but not so...experienced viewers glancing at the clock noted that it was nearly halfway through the episode...long past the moment of foreshadow and well into the epoch of red herring. the rest of the prep showed a happy "team radhika," with good food and teamwork. despite a little awkwardness on her part, she and her team seemed confident and ready to meet the challenge. toast.

leah's team consisted of hosea (of course) and the euros. radhika chose first, and picked jaime, then carla, then jeff. she could have chosen the italian, but picked carla instead. bad move. no offense intended to the ostrich, but the italian was made to work the front - which is what he did for leah. none of radhika's team wanted to work in the front, so she took it upon herself to do it, rather than delegating (get chase-alike out of the kitchen!!!). it was a bad move, and one, ultimately that would axe her. the food from her kitchen generally looked (and maybe tasted?) better, but she was a stressed-out hostess, and her FOH staff neglected key details (like resetting silver) that totally pissed colicchio off. rule #1 - do not piss that man off.

meanwhile over in leah's disjointed kitchen, the finn overcame a shit freezer and made great desserts, hosea cooked short ribs (wow) and the italian gets credit for the best bite of the night. granted, it was a sound bite and not a bite of food, but i won't quibble, since this show has less and less to do with food every week. in touting his FOH skill, he said ,"we could serve monkey ass in empty clam shells and win." he's also responsible for the title of this entry, which he said to a pair of ladies, making them laugh in a mixture of disbelief and embarrassment. his charm and the finn's desserts overcame leah's undercooked fish, and a generally less inspired menu, and they did win.

i felt a little bad for radhika...i bet she's a great cook. but she's a bad leader, and that's just never going to win. huge, haunted eyes and great legs can take a girl far, but not to the finale.

rant #1

2009-01-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

i was out of coffee this morning. which meant that before my eyes were fully open, i was driving. not the best way for me (or my neighbors) to start the week. i was minding my own business, listening to KUBE, (as i do) when i heard a McDonald's ad. it was for something they're calling a "mini meal." for the uninformed, a "mini-meal" consists of a small soda, small fries and your choice of a double cheeseburger (you read that right) a McChicken sandwich, or 4 chicken nuggets...all for under $3.

to state the blatantly obvious, there's nothing remotely "mini" about that pile of food. the double cheeseburger option and a regular soda will set you back around 870 calories. for those of us without the metabolism and work-out schedule of michael phelps, this a full meal + worth of calories. and of course, they know it. there's a very icky market fast food hucksters are trying to create. not only are they casting themselves as the value option, but they're also giving you an excuse to eat more (and therefore spend more) by manufacturing a need. so taco bell created the incredibly depressing "fourth meal" (read - stoner meal) and now McDonald's has introduced the "mini-meal." all of this begs the question, exactly how many meals a day do we need? and how much money can we really be saving if we eat all of them?

and this shit is cropping up everywhere. i saw an ad the other night for KFC. it was a *box* of food (because, i am not joking, the bag is too small to fit it all!) 2 sides, 1 piece of chicken, something called a snacker and 2 chicken tenders. i can't even remember how much it costs, i was too disturbed by the quantity. wait - i just went to their site. i forgot about the 32 oz. drink. ba-nanas!

subway, which rode the "health" bandwagon as hard as it could, was recently advertising foot-long sandwiches for under $5. i'm guessing the foot-long meatball isn't on Jared's diet, but he wasn't in the ad. instead they featured "real" people. construction and office workers (blue and white collar...hunger and the economy effect us all, man.) giddily singing an inane song about $5 sandwiches. and it's not like i'm disappointed in subway. the notion that fast food can ever be anything more than cheap, empty calories has always been a stretch. but no more than 4 weeks ago, fast food ads all featured their "healthier" options. i can almost hear the sigh of relief as they switch messaging from "healthy" to "cheap." but it's so insulting, since it both implies that they've been fleecing us in recent years, and that when we're poor, we feel the need to overeat. i guess, at these prices, we can hardly afford not to.

posse in effect...

2009-01-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

so the usual thursday TC recap gets a special bonus...something else of interest this week!

but first, top e'scallop. tats mcgee finally wins a challenge. and boy did she want it. i can barely muster the energy to wipe the drool off my face to write about it, let alone be bothered to care. sooo boring! even the quickfire was lame and contrived this week, and they've been so good lately. "make a dessert without sugar," sponsored by diet dr. pepper (nooooo!) the contestants didn't need to use DDP, so its inclusion was bizarre, and they seemed to have ample access to every other sweetener in the world. agave syrup anyone? it didn't even need to be a diet dessert, as evidenced by the bread pudding that won. it just seemed half-assed. the QF judge was a pastry chef whose own Bravo show is about to premiere, so it seemed like they just manufactured a way to cross-promote. on the plus side, the finn fucked with him a little. i liked that, but, as i've previously stated, i still hate the finn. he's like a super-villain. radhika's (non indian!!) bread pudding won, giving her immunity.

the regular challenge was a double elimination, since in the holiday spirit (last april, when they taped,) tom gave everyone a pass the previous time. hosea said something really stupid about attrition, making it clear that he, hosea, has a vague idea of what the word attrition means. dude, do yourself a favor - less talking, more cooking, m'kay? the regular challenge was also weird...cook your best, most "you" food, and serve it family style. why family style? i want to see amazing plating. you don't really get that with family style. it felt sloppy or like a cheat, somehow. the new judge is an english food critic, who's supposed to be a total prick. the ostrich (rob calls her urkel) is shown in all the trailers bobbing her head around and squawking for gail. he didn't seem like a prick, though, of course, i have a high threshold. the one interesting bit seemed to be a little disagreement between him and colicchio, and we all know who has the final word at that table. so when newbie seemed inclined to toss the ostrich and keep eug, it was clear the opposite was going to happen. besides, it was her first time there, and he did make daikon fettuccine. enough said. poor sissy hankshaw never had a chance. they hated her tuna tacos, she's been on the bottom a bunch and just doesn't have the spark. she seemed really sweet and gracious and took criticism well, but there was just no way. tats had to battle the finn and milfy for the top spot. she did scallops with orange and fennel. yawn. i saw the italian's face. he wanted to beat her with his bloody lamb chop. so did i.

but instead...i checked facebook. again. as i have been doing even more obsessively than usual. i'm looking for mail and notifications to tell me someone else has joined lafayette-a-palooza.

tuesday night i came home to a friend request on facebook from someone i went to elementary school with. he posted a couple of brilliant class shots - ours were taken in the cafeteria/auditorium of our elementary school. you can actually see the red velvet curtain behind us age as time goes by. i was in one of the three he posted, the kindergarten one, and from the moment i accepted his friend request i have been flooded with memories. a bunch of people from elementary school are also on FB and we've reconnected and have all been indulging in a mini-reunion of sorts. it's a blast. i've been thinking a lot about why i've been so obsessed with it. i mean, it's cool to see the photos and think about all the people i haven't thought about in so long, but my nostalgia is really strong. i asked rob if he remembered his early school years, and classmates, and he remembered some, and not without fondness, but i've been so giddy. maybe it's colored rosier because middle school was so absolutely miserable...maybe it's so fun because we went from being muppets to people and it's so rare to get that full-spectrum view...and my god, were we muppets! rob assured me that if he'd been in school with me, he would have pushed me down on the playground, but i don't know...i was pretty gummy in that shot.

part of what's so intriguing is that we all remember the same events so differently. ok, so that's not a very profound statement but it's so fun to see what people remember, only with slightly less personal eyes. lizzie remembers standing in for me during sound of music rehearsals and being embarrassed because she was so tall and marta, my character, was little. most of my SOM memory is centered around the fact that i never got over the shame of wanting to be maria and losing out to lauren leader. meanwhile, henry and byron remember having to play nazis while wearing boy scout uniforms. i didn't even remember that at all. and that's hilarious. they're black. nice casting!

and i think it might boil down to this: by far the best interaction was a note from josh which told me, in a very funny way, that my memory of something was wrong. and wrong in my favor. and of course, at the time, my reaction was confusing and traumatic for him too. and i realized how many confusing interactions and unintended hurt feelings create these moments that are sort of a cross between a three's company episode and something a little more shakespearean. and of course those moments become our memories. how much of life could be unwound and clarified...perhaps, made easier...or less painful or even just not so serious if we all had a few opportunities like this? and on the one hand i kept thinking - what if you could somehow go back, and not necessarily re-live, but if you could somehow pass a little perspective and a little wisdom to your young self. we'd all rule the fucking world. can you imagine? rob said he would have had more sex in high school. and that was funny, and certainly true, but it's more than that. maybe it sounds cliche - if you knew then what you know now...but how *nice* when you do get that clarity. what a fucking relief. and maybe there's something about all this elementary school nostalgia that feels so indulgent, because it's an opportunity to kind of rewrite history...in a much more positive way. since no one is a bully now, and no one is the smart one, and no one is more or less popular or prettier, and no one's family is more or less fucked up, we don't remember things under that structure either. it's all very lovey. and i think we're inclined to be much more generous to each other and to ourselves than i'm sure we were at the time. it's a nice shift. hosanna facebook!

snow!

2008-12-22T13:10:00.000-08:00

so not only did i not take a camera to the office party i catered on friday, but i didn't even remember to take business cards. what a pro! we had about 6 or 7 inches of snow here the day before, and i was absolutely freaking out...should i open this cryovac-d beef tenderloin? are they going to cancel? will it get worse? can i even get downtown? luckily, the snow tapered off late thursday evening and it was a dry, powdery snow, so ryan's lesbaru was able to make the trip without any trouble. the event went off really really well. i wish i had photos, but alas.

saturday morning dawned looking like snow, and the story was that we should gear up for a lot. we went to the grocery and spent approximately a mortgage payment on food, wood & wine. i have to confess that standing at the checkout counter - despite just having cooked for 2 days - and seeing all the food and potential food in the cart - i got a little misty. something about snow must make me want to nest. that afternoon i made crab benedicts, then broke down a chicken, made stock, started some bread dough, and made shepherd's pie, watching the snow all the while. yesterday was even more culinarily intense. i made chicken salad with the breasts i'd pulled the day before (poaching them in the stock i'd made), made cafe lago tomato sauce (second best in the world), made meatballs, made hummus, and finished the bread. this was pretty much the culmination of all my efforts:
homemade sauce, homemade meatballs, homemade bread. if only we had room for that buffalo.

then we went sledding! rob went snowboarding, but i went next door and borrowed our 6-year-old neighbor Nathaniel's flying saucer and went skidding down the lander hill. very fun. here are a couple shots from the action:

what the hell are these??

please can i go sledding?

all suited up, boyeeeee...

i'm 5!!

it finally stopped snowing late last night, and we must have around a foot of total accumulation. we should probably borrow a shovel. word is we could see more wednesday, or it might be warm enough then to just get rain. it's been crazy. i think the city is a little baffled and everyone i know is more than a little stir-crazy. i'm really grateful we had that second snow, because i really couldn't enjoy the first one at all. i should get the next batch of bread dough going...i wish i'd been smart enough to hold a scrap piece of dough from the last batch...need to cultivate a starter...

"and a paaartriiidge cooked in curry..."

2008-12-18T23:22:00.000-08:00

my note from last night, when i wrote that gem down (which i *wish* i could claim as my own) said, "fucking genius. this is why you marry." yes, the quote is rob's, and it refers to the lovely radikha, who denies the influence of her culture at every step, but then proceeds to cook *every* dish with indian components. hold on - this calls for talisker...ok. that's better. last night's TC gave us not only martha stewart (in jeans skinny enough padma might have worn them) but also the sultry natasha richardson and the eternally grumpy michelle bernstein (who i always want to call sandra bernhardt).

quickfire was an ok one. i'm glad they've stopped doing things like - "and here to present your swanson broth challenge..." this was a good idea, which, ultimately, irritated me since it could have as easily been rachael ray as ms. martha. it was one pot cooking. most people cooked everything in the one pot, but in batches and stages. ok, you used one pot - 8 times - it might have kept to the letter, but not exactly the spirit of the challenge. given that she liked hosea's paella, which was cooked without batching in one pot, i think he should have won. but milfy ariane (and for the record - no. i would not.) is on a roll...and how much must it have meant to her to win a martha challenge?? tatty-bo was sulky, as usual. oh - it occurred to me that my one or both of my readers might find the name "tatty-bo" a little insulting. do you prefer "tats mcgee?" let me know. eugene, the tatted boy with something to prove thickened his stew with cornstarch. martha no likey. he got very very angry, and actually made a totally valid point that grandmothers everywhere rely on cornstarch. ok, well, have fun at the fair, eug! you may have just drawn (more) obvious attention to the fact that you're out of your league.

ok - so the regular challenge was evil...12 days of christmas, each chef randomly picks from the song and has to create 8 lords a leaping or some such absurd fucking nonsense for 250 (alleged) people in 3 hours. alone. not even in august of 2007, at the height of my FS catering frenzy could i have accomplished such a thing - with planning. (and did anyone else notice that there were *maybe* 50 people there??)

the event was to support AIDS research, and TB made a point of noting the fact that she's a part of the gay community. (thanks tats...GOT IT. btw - lots of lesbians with AIDS? maybe not but i bet you have *loads* of gay male friends...hmm, whatever, but i guess it's more important - or somehow more *yours* than anyone else's? why does she stick in my craw?) i'm starting to root for the italian. he's funny. i have no interest in being under the mistletoe with him, but thanks for asking, bravo.

i can't recall what everyone made, but eug had "5 golden rings" i turned to rob and said, fuck it, i would have made *damn* sure that some panko-coated oniony goodness adorned my food. does it matter what you serve if each morsel is crowned with 5 baby shallot rings? but wait - they're cooking for 250! and they each had maybe 8 plates at a time on their stations. whatever.

so radhika does something with duck, and hosea does something with pork tenderloin and the fridge their food was in (though, oddly, not the rest of radhika's duck, just the part she was planning to use) was warm when they arrived the day of the event. in the words of the great robert cray i suspect foul play. i can just leanne sauntering back into the kitchen late that night and pulling the door open, or unplugging the fridge... watch what happens, bitches!

and the next morning...from tragedy emerges friendship...the whole crew pitched in. and everyone found time to help radhika and hosea. and yes. ok? are you happy? it got to me. my eyes were shiny. i was touched. even though i *knew* that radhika had *not* broken down 40 ducks the night before (and even if she did - she didn't really...taking the breasts off is hardly breaking the ducks, but perhaps i'm splitting hairs) and even though i *knew* that if these poor bastards were *really* cooking for 250 people, it would have been every man for himself...it did get to me. a little. until TB had to mention that she wanted to help - even though it was a competition. then i wanted to throw my wineglass at the tv.

so at the event everyone's doing their thing and selling their sell and natasha seems to like the finn and the finn definitely likes natasha and i would not be one bit surprised if he had an extra little pot pie with her name on it. (real or fake? tashie's decolletage seemed a little too...taut for a woman of her...cougarishness.) and tom was utterly appalled at the dishes. i wonder if they hadn't put the completely insane challenge to them if the food would have been better. tom was dismissive of ariane (devilled eggs) saying - you will not win this competition making devilled eggs. guess what? she will not win this competition. after the judging (and before the loser was put out to pasture) tom talked to all the chefs and basically told them to stop fucking around and being safe or boring. leah, the snub-nosed, pretty one got a little mouthy and sulky with tom. do what? who do these people think they are? this is tom f-ing colicchio. someone needs a spanking. i'm going to leave it at that.

the winner was hosea, though grudgingly. chase-alike almost won for what seemed to be a completely confusing pile of tastyish whatnot. i'm not sure. but people liked it. or drunk starlets liked chase-alike. who can say? i was totally asleep at that point.

the bottom 3 were tatty-bo (say what?) eug and the unfortunate mannish one with the 9-foot bangs. i think she's from portland. anyway, they set it up that eug was out (and he probably should have been) and clearly, i've already called it - TB will win, so, sorry man hands...you're done. her thing was 8 maids a milking (which makes my "out to pasture" comment really funny, right?) and she did some kind of seared beef with blue cheese on brioche. i think her original cheese was in the damaged fridge too, but she didn't mention it. wouldn't have mattered - she clearly lied in her application video...the girl was kind of a zero on film. she might be a crazy talented cook, but we never saw it. we saw sissy hankshaw, in duller times. cranky michelle bernstein only tasted cheese. ok, but i assume you like cheese. and it *was* 8-maids-a-milking...cheese isn't totally beyond the pale here, and you actively hated eug's coconut milk fish dish - and TB's scallops which were described as "warm," and "slimy." there may have been actual shuddering. the editing on these shows is always kind of irksome. the way you know someone won't be eliminated is because the diary and trailer footage makes it seem like they will. every day is opposite day on bravo. and tatty...what's with the scallops? next week i think she uses them again and the italian is quoted as saying, "this is top chef, not top scallop" that was funny. he's my favorite. he's still ridiculous, but he has heart.

alrighty...it's after 12. i'm doing a dinner for 50 tomorrow...if i can get out of WS. we had 6-8 inches of snow over here. good powdery stuff. i was cooking all day, so the only exposure i had to it was when i laid my beef tenderloin slices on a sheet pan and stuck it into the snow to cool quickly. time and temperature, yo.

this is my bleary-assed self pre-talisker...my hair is insanely curly. i washed it before bed last night and tied it up into a bun. i just took it down now, 24 hours later. a little much...but you can't really see that. all you get is a glimpse of my favorite scarf. stolen from patti. i'm rocking the fuchsia.

top yawn...a little better, but still a bit xanny

2008-12-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

gail is getting married!!!!!!!!! who cares? sorry, but having your bridal shower be a challenge on the show you judge, where your boss sits right next to you feels a little less than personal. you'd think gail's friends would have enough money to throw her a proper shower, rather than relying on bravo swag. and the table was ugly. but wait - i'm getting ahead of myself. (and yes, i'm sure they did, but it still seems a little icky...a little kimora lee simmons...)

the quickfire was my absolute favorite kind - a palate test. i wasn't crazy about the "name that tune" format, but i do love a good palate test. ok, was everyone ridiculously conservative or what? "i can name 4 ingredients in a curry??" say what? or the bouillabaisse...which - even if you (cheffies) don't know what it is - you can make some pretty educated guesses. since they were accepting "salt" i would hope that all the chefs could have tried for 6 or 7. anyway, hosea won. as long as the finn never wins again, i think everyone will be pleased. does anyone else, by the way get a bit of a boris & natasha vibe from the finn and the blondie i think is going to win? i think her name is jamie, but that's such a mild and unobjectionable name, i don't like it for her. tatty-bo seems rude enough, though. and damn it, inspired! half a glass of bubbles and i'm on fire already! so the finn has it bad for tatty-bo and keeps wanting to kiss her...and she clearly enjoys the attention, though i have no doubt that she's not remotely interested in the finn. she likes ladies...and he's...the finn. anyway, she's sucking more and more as the competition progresses, and i am looking ever harder for someone else to root for, because - ok. wait - again ahead of myself...

the wedding shower challenge was well-crafted. i have to give credit to the TC staff - the challenges are all very interesting - no more dumpster diving or mini-mart challenges, which is great. i wonder if leanne from season...1? 2? is partly responsible for that. she's super slender now, btw - she looks terrific - check out the bravo page if you're into that borderline-creepy-voyeuristic kind of thing. she's smoking hot! ok - so 4 teams - old/new/borrowed/blue. great theme - so sorry for the blues...not awesome. hard to be creative. the team was italian (who might be winning me over) drag-looking (sorry honey, but...) and leah, the hot one who is going to have one cranky boyfriend right about now. she does have superb skin for a cook, though. lucky girl. but blue food...no actual food is blue (blueberries, as tom points out, are really purple, as is the blue cornmeal the blue team uses to crust their chilean sea bass.) and really? chilean sea bass? i don't understand how whole foods justifies selling it - it's on the monterrey bay list of endangered and not to be eaten, but i'm sure the fine folks at whole paycheck have found a loophole somewhere. as the judges point out, it is pretty hard to screw up CSB...it's impervious to drying out. *anyway* their food was sad. it did not look actively bad, but it was very very sad. no texture, a pool of watery corn puree, some green chard and the blue bass. old people food was the verdict from he ladies, and i can't argue. that's how it looked. so they were in the bottom, but not in danger. the italian was clearly the leader of that team, and i thought he behaved well. he was going to defend himself, and then kind of realized he should just shut it, and he did, and i respected that.

the other middle team was team old, consisting of hosea, the dreaded finn, and a guy who looks like chase from House. jeffrey maybe? he's very pretty, but he unnerves me. whenever the contestants (never, ever "cheftestants"...ever) are speaking alone to the camera - like in "private diary time" or whatever, they list the chef's name, the city and restaurant they work at and their position. chase-alike works in miami at the unfortunately named "DiLido beach club". and yes. i admit it. every single time i see it, i think, what??? who would name a restaurant after a sex toy? is the extra "i" really fooling anyone? i didn't think so. so team new might be a total train wreck, and i'm not going to lie - i was pretty excited about it. hosea had immunity, the finn is the finn and chase-alike has to be running from about 1000 ghosts all the time. the team with Something To Prove...they chose heirloom tomatoes (an ok choice, if not totally fab). they all feel compelled to do something different - a tomato tasting, which seems un-cohesive to me, and i'm frankly a little surprised the judges didn't ding them for it. the finn makes a terrine (which is smart, though the judges thought it was bland), hosea does something i cannot remember with a purple cherokee (tomato) and chase-alike makes a savory tomato sorbet - much to the snarling disapproval of the finn who knows better than you do. about everything. the finn is king. long live the finn. except...giggle, suck it, finn! the judges loved the sorbet - everyone at the shower loved the sorbet. dana cowin (guest judge, gail's boss and editor of food and wine) wanted to do terrible things with the sorbet and chase-alike at his place of business. so there. take that, finn.

it's so hard to know where to go next, and i think i'll do winner first because - why not? so the winning team was team borrowed. i think this would have been the most fun theme, because it's so abstract. it's not fucking blue, for example. (food to hang yourself by? pint of ice cream? ugh. the poor blues.) ok - so team borrowed was the milf, tatty-bo and the indian girl who's always worried the judges will pigeonhole her as an indian cook. what do you think they "borrowed?" surprise! her culture! poor indy. they made what was by far the best looking, most cohesive dish. it was a carrot and vadouvan puree, a lamb chop and some raita. it became clear right away that indy was paranoid (so why make the raita and the lamb marinade only? maybe kick it up a little, gf?) milfy cooked the lamb - momma knows her meat and tatty-bo made the puree. she also seems to be taking credit for the entire dish. never mind that indy is...um...indian. vadouvan is one of tatty-bo's special trick ingredients (it's an spice blend.) at judges table she (TB) leaned in to milfy and said "i really want this" and then expressed shock and frustration when milfy was honored with the top award. "everyone thought it was going to be me." (or some such horseshit) get over yourself sweetie. was what milfy did hard? no...it's not hard to french and sear 7 racks, slap on someone else's marinade and then stand there with a thermometer. but milfy is *not* going to win. ever ever ever. she does well in team challenges - she's on the block every time it's all her. relax TB...and stop being so...finnish. it's not all about you.

oh the losers. ok. the emu, the hawaiian and the fattone combo i've just taken to calling band-aids. you know why. team new. a bush-league cluster from the opening bell. carla (the emu) may have something to offer. i'm rooting for you, girl, but i wish you'd spend a little less time being a hall monitor (she always seems to be around or commenting on other people's sex lives) and a little more time looking out for your own birdie interests, m'kay? so the hawaiian has Shit to Prove and maybe he's overcome some serious odds and i'm all for that. i was totally rooting for the short-order denny's cook on the last kitchen nightmares. but dude. wtf were you thinking? birdie is mute and band-aids is...i have no words...(finally) wtf? they decide to do sushi - which, not super new, right?? and then they're going to cook it - because that's new...and then people have to make their own and then there's a salad and then band-aids is making peach bbq sauce and sneaking mushrooms into birdie's salad and (choo-choo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) joder. i like the hawaiian. i shouldn't. he's not showing great judgement, but he knows it...ish...a little late, but he's honest and honorable on a show that plays that shit up because so few of them are. since when has "it's a competition" given people license to lie and cheat and steal? amazing. so hawaiian is a good guy. but he screwed up the rice. and didn't want to waste it (i'm sorry, is the recession worse than i think??) and no one else on the team said, "dude, we have another hour, let's make more!" and on and on. complete nightmare. and band-aids was sent packing - largely, i think because he thought after all was said and done that the dish was delicious. after the judges looked at him and said, "really??" he came back with, "mos def." unwise, band-aids. about as unwise as your orange jeans.

next week? i'll be prepping for a party on friday, so might not get to update before the new year. i'm sure both of my faithful readers will be on pins and needles until i return.

P.S...not so much

2008-12-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

We watched "P.S., I love You" last night. It was terrible. Sophie was totally disgusted with me. I saw it in her face; she couldn't even look at me. Mostly, I think, because despite its schmaltzy awfulness, I was sobbing like a little girl. I don't know why I am so easily manipulated into an emotional response when my intellectual responses are usually so cynical. Apparently, however, the waterworks are just itching to be engaged. When we were in Honduras, the very end of "We Are Marshall" was on one morning in the restaurant. I didn't even *see* the movie, and the voice-over-summation guy at the end got to me. Such a cupcake...

Top Yawn is on tonight. I think I missed a week of recap, but it's so boring, I can't even remember who won and who got booted. It's too early to be interesting yet. The only thing I wanted to comment on is the strange editing. Am I the only one who noticed that the lead-in ads featured Padma saying that they had "an unusual problem" and Rocco (dude - fire your surgeon!!) said something about "all 3 being inedible" but during the actual show, neither of those scenes aired? And there's something weird about Leah and Hosea...don't you get the sense that they're showing footage that isn't current and then having people (like the lady from DC who looks so birdy I want to throw bread at her...emu or ostrich?) comment on it. It feels very disjointed.

I am going nuts looking for work. Lots of haunting of Craigslist, writing of cover letters, sending of resumes...little or no response. I have a big party next Friday, so that will keep me busy, and then we're going to the Metho for Christmas. I can't believe how quickly this month is going by. I feel like I am going to lose my mind or leap out of my skin. Living in a constant state of barely controlled panic is not my favorite.

dinner for six

2008-11-24T14:19:00.001-08:00

squash tortelli, roasted chanterelles & fried sage:

salad verte, black radish, grapefruit and hazelnut vinaigrette

the amuse (sideways) porcini arancini with yellow tomato sauce from the garden:

canapes - figs with bleu d' auvergne, cheese pennies (natch) and shrimp tartlets with green tomato chutney

better view of the adorable pennies...thanks to ryan for his thyme-picking expertise!

not pictured: roasted pork tenderloin with farro, black kale and port reduction. my iphone would not cooperate, and i needed to get that food out! also - the apple & plum jam tart with cinnamon-cognac ice cream. i will be reprising that ice cream on thanksgiving...

top chef new york...padma's return

2008-11-20T16:14:00.000-08:00

rob finally admitted padma's hotness last night. he said he'd lick her scar. i just want her shoes, but different strokes, right? we watched the first 2 episodes of the new season last night, as i was at the restaurant last wednesday.

so, i feel strongly that the blond who works at absinthe is going to win. it can't be the finn, because he looks like a super-villain, and it can't be the italian, because...well, he's ridiculous. and was he trying to make time with the guest judge last night?

the first episode was interesting in that they started with a field of 17. i can't wait until they start with 25, and eliminate 8 on the first day. i can just see whiny chefs flouncing around and muttering that tom and gail didn't even get to see what they were all about...a la flavor (or rock) of love. in any case, it didn't bode well that a lot of time was devoted to 2 fresh-faced kids who reunited on the ferry to governor's island. the military wife determined not to rot away in savannah and the apple-cheeked gay CIA student...what an unlikely, but adorable pair - i could hardly wait to see the hijinks that were sure to ensue...

i liked the first quickfire, and i liked that it was progressive. it's a little appalling that any one of those chefs would be daunted by the idea of peeling apples with a knife. peelers are faster, but come on...it's not like you were asked to make a hot dog in 20 minutes. not this week, anyway. so the turtle-joey fattone love-child from LI (does he wear red jeans in the promo??? i couldn't get past the facial hair which looked oddly like band-aids had been involved) bitches about the knife, and has to got to the next round, which is - um, cutting. he does ok. i don't think tom looked at his cup too carefully, but whatever. he called a tall coltish girl out for messy cuts, so maybe turtle/fattone (turttone?) was spot-on. the 4 last placers were a dark-haired girl i can't remember, the indian girl, who made it very clear in her first interview that she didn't want to be pigeon-holed as indian, but then proceeded to make something indian-inspired. (i think she should cook what she knows - but just don't be a hypocrite, ok?) and the 2 freshies (uh-oh). indian and brunette were fine - it came down to the buds who both made - a salad. eerily, it was practically the *same* salad. the dish was supposed to be about apples - why toss oranges in there? it didn't make any sense to me. anyway - savanah was sent back to base. i felt a little sorry for her, but not very.

the first real challenge was also good - split into teams of 2 - same budget, same pool of ingredients, and then - snap - face-off. i loved it. fresh-face decided to use an ingredient he's never used before. people, this is the reality tv show equivalent of "don't go down to the basement when it's raining on halloween and the lights are out but you can swear you hear a chainsaw." it's one thing to be given a challenge to cook food you're unfamiliar with (though, seriously, mom - you live in NJ and you've never had middle eastern food before?? what does turttone cook at the carriage house? pot roast??) and it's another to be a complete freaking moron. rule number one when you're short on time and long on pressure - stick with what you know - or adapt something unfamiliar into something you do know.

in the end, i think the finn won. padma made this big speech about how the first winner has been the eventual winner in every season but one (so...3/4? 4/5? not exactly decades of history to work with here.) but he's not going to win. he's too arrogant. someone will say something negative about his food at some point, and he'll lose it, and piss tom off. i hoped the hawaiian with tons of tattoos, something to prove and the heart of gold would win, but no luck. the bottom 2 were mom and the apple-cheeked culinary student i called "sweetie boy." mom was there for undercooked farro (and excessive whining? maybe a dash of lazy?) and SB was there because the judges thought his food was boring and predictable. jean-george wanted more ginger and scallion (which wouldn't exactly have upped the creativity factor, but you are *not* going to catch me ragging on JGV. no sir). mom was safe, sweetie was sent back to the minors.

last night, the quickfire was to make a hotdog. cool challenge, if very difficult to do in 30 minutes. tall, coltish leah used a regular hot dog, and talked incessantly to the poor indian girl who looked like she wanted to grind her up and add her to her (ahem, indian-inspired) kebab-dog. the guest judge is a NY restauranteur with whom i'm vaguely familiar, though her name escapes me. she seems to be as famous for being young and attractive as for her numerous restaurants. the most striking thing about her, however, were her facial expressions. she'd take a bite, and instantly get an, "i'm going to vomit" look on her face. apparently sometimes that's a good look, because despite her look of horror after tasting the kebab, the indian girl won. (i can't remember her name. i want to call her reykjavik, but that would be even more confusing. if she's still around in a couple of weeks i'll either learn it or give her another name. promise.) she hated the finn's sandwich which pleased me. i can't like the finn, and i enjoyed his pain at being called out.

the main challenge was good again - cooking at craft for 50 new yorkers who didn't make it to the show. everyone either did an app, an entree or dessert. clear winners and losers were apparent right away, as is often the case. mom did something from the 80's, that she makes at her restaurant all the time - lemon meringue martini. everyone said it was sweet. she knew it was sweet but (again) seemed too lazy to redo it. wtf? tall coltish leah decided to do ostrich egg quiche for no good reason, and hosea bought crab in a can. again - wtf? winners - absinthe made corn soup - easy, appealing, clean. she said something simpering at judge's table about celebrating the season which made me throw up a little, but the soup looked good. the italian made carpaccio and added a high-tech twist of making olives back into olives by pureeing them and dropping the liquid into some sort of stabilizer which recreated a skin. cool. and i have to say, the best use of that kind of technology - it is exactly what it looks like - but with a twist. a nice change from marcel and wolverine and their penchant for overreaching. KISS.

so italian won (and maybe hit on the judge). coltish was sent packing, despite the fact that mom was on the chopping block for the second time, and padma spit out her 80's fantasy into her napkin. i'm thinking that guest judge (donatella something) had it in for coltish from the start. she really hated her hot dog. coltish didn't help herself with a very miss south carolina ("and the iraq") statement about why she should stay. how about, "well, i've certainly learned what not to do, and i will make sure i never make the same mistakes again." how hard is that? too hard for coltish apparently. so donatella broke her leg and and sent her out to pasture.

the 'duras - part 2...paradise (lost?)

2008-11-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

so, we arrived at the roatan ferry terminal at about 6pm, got a cab and headed to the "resort" where we were to spend the next week. we knew it was the rainy season, but we kept telling ourselves that despite dire iphone weather forecasts (12 days of solid rain) it was tropical - so it was bound to be rainy for part of the day, with at least some sun breaks. we're still telling ourselves that. the weather on roatan was never what i would describe as "sunny." there was sun - in fact, it looks lovely in this photo:

too bad that was the only few minutes of sunshine we saw there. fortunately, i burn to a cinder in about 10 minutes in the sun anyway, and rob gets antsy on the beach, so neither of us were too disappointed that we wouldn't be able to qualify for coppertone kids after our trip.

roatan is...interesting. it was supposed to be the lux, relaxing part of the trip, but for the first several days, i actively hated it. not that i had a bad time. rob and i could have fun together in a cardboard box (and if i remain unemployed and screwing around on facebook and blogger all the time, i might put that theory to the test.) in any case, it was fun, but the place itself...kind of sucked. it's neither unspoiled enough to be rustic and charming, nor lux enough to be a real escape worthy of the money we spent. the beach view from our (sterile) cabana was pretty, and we spent a lot of time on the porch, applying deet and reading.

the trouble is that the island is filled with people with whom i'd never choose to be, well - stuck on a desert island. there are 3.5 main groups on the island:
1) wannabe diver types - looking for cheap certification and a certain amount of youthful adventure. sadly, adventure and a bath seem to be mutually exclusive for this set.
2) desperate expats. not that the people themselves were in desperate situations, but we just kept meeting people who were too old to run away, but who had done just that. and i kept thinking - damn, you're 50 and you ran away. to a tourist beach. in honduras, where you spend all your time with people just like you. you're kind of a pathetic loser.
3) enterprising locals. it's a tourist island, i get it, and everybody's gotta eat, but we got really tired of feeling like we were being ripped off.
3.5) nearly dead animals. it was beyond insane how many stray dogs, cats and kittens we saw. when we got home, sophie

looked positively obese to me. bob barker needs to stop harassing the beauties and get his ass to roatan asap for a little spay-and-neuter lecture.

a couple of random notes...cars - all were under 5 years old. the "roads" on roatan were abysmal to be kind, and the salt and sand rot them away in no time flat. we took 3 taxis in roatan - from the ferry to the hotel, once to west bay (the real resorty part) and to the airport. each was more appalling than the last - it was funny. the first one smelled like something died in there, and to cover the smell, the owner rubbed the inside with rotten fish. the second one had no working doors, barely made it up hills and definitely had a death rattle. the final cab smelled bad, was completely out of gas, and was missing its back window. welcome to paradise!

deet. i wrestled with taking anti-malarial meds before we went to honduras - it's recommended for the island, and given the rainy season, i imagined millions of little hatchlings would love nothing more than to feast on me. some people never seem to get bitten (dad) some people are like an old country buffet for the little suckers (moi.) but i didn't like the contra-indications for any of the meds i researched. some cause a reaction in asthmatics (rob) and the last thing i wanted was to watch my husband being given a tracheotomy with a rusted pen-knife by a local healer. so we decided, simply, just *not* to get malaria. i bought copious amounts of deet (in convenient, plane-approved sizes.) i do not know what is in deet. i know it stinks. i know it's greasy. the fumes taste awful. it may cause cancer. it is certainly very very very bad - it ruined my pedicure. i'm not saying that to be prissy - i'm saying, with horror, that it removed the shine and some of the polish from my toes. what, pray tell, did it do to my liver? less damage than malaria is my hope, but only time will tell.

in summation - despite my bitching, we really did have a great time. we found out too late (bad weather) that we could gone diving with an instructor without certification. an hour in the pool and they're ready to take you 40 feet down. rob was a natural, breathing underwater, removing his regulator, flushing his mask like a cousteau in no time. i had more trouble. i gutted through it, but i have to admit, i really had to convince myself that i could breathe, not to panic and that it was worth it. we did the pool thing, which everyone says is the hard part (and i dearly hope they are right) but the weather was too choppy for the remainder of our trip to actually get to dive. even though i didn't like roatan, it has the second largest reef system in the world, and i can absolutely see going back there to learn to dive. don't worry though, i will always take shampoo.

lo hice por ti...y tu hermaaana. tales from honduras - pt. 1

2008-10-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

"i made it for you...and your siiiister," said the shy 8 year girl holding up some beaded wooden bracelets. we were in copan ruinas, a town about 15 miles from the guatemalan border. it was about 6:30 - and we had just arrived after a very long day of travel which included 2 flights, a couple hours of waiting around, 2 busses, some lost luggage, and a lot more spanish than i've spoken in a long time. by the time we got squared away at our hotel (and took a trip to the pharmacy for $35 worth of essentials to tide us over until our bags arrived on another bus the next day) we were hungry. we smelled meat. a lot of meat. we sensed there may also be beer in close proximity to the meat. this seemed good. as sweet as the little girl was, (and really, she was just a bit of a huckster. we saw her all over town the next few days, all doe-eyed) we politely but firmly declined. there was meat to eat, beer to drink and locals to meet. this made me very happy...

copan ruinas is an adorable mountain town. clay-tiled roofs, cobblestone streets, cowboys with machetes in the square, little motorized "tuk-tuk" taxis, and, of course, armed police at the atms. the views of the valleys and mountains, shrouded in mist, were lush, green and absolutely gorgeous. condors swooped by overhead, the air was crisp and clean, but still warm. the next day, we waited at the bus station for our luggage - which miraculously arrived, and then we went to the ruins. copan is the second largest mayan ruin site in the world. since it was off-season, we pretty much had it to ourselves. these don't really do it justice - but they're the best ones i've got.
the site is massive, and we only saw a part of it, but we were allowed to clamber all around. virtually no part was off-limits. i kept thinking - "here are is our priceless national treasure - please, walk all over it." bizarre, but wonderful.

thursday we left for roatan. we had decided to hire a car (service - you do *not* want to drive here) to take us from copan to la ceiba, where we could catch the ferry to roatan. had we elected to take the bus, it would have meant a 5:30am departure (back to san pedro sula) a 2.5 hour wait in sps, another 4 hour ride to the la ceiba bus station, and then a taxi to the ferry. i said no gracias to that, and instead found an enterprising local to drive us. we were meant to leave at 8am for the 8 hour trip. the phone rang at 7:30 as we were packing up. "hay un problema" said the gentleman on the phone. " uh-oh. i went downstairs to meet ramon. as i mentioned, copan is in the mountains. and on a river. it had been raining for a week before we arrived, and rained intermittently while we were there. the bus ride into town featured some pretty muddy terrain, and there was a section of road that had eroded away into the river. no one really seemed to mind - there was some clucking, but no cause for alarm as far as we were concerned. however, while rob and i were communing with ruins and nodding politely at machete-wielding cowboys on crack, the roads were continuing to degrade. copan is a relatively major tourist site, and everything in town gets trucked in. by semis. the day of our departure, one had tipped over or spun out or who knows - i didn't learn those words - ever - but i understood the jist - we were not going to make our ferry this way. ramon suggested we wait a couple of hours until the truck was removed and the (building) traffic dissipated before leaving. while we were waiting, we popped next door to the internet cafe and looked up flights to roatan from san pedro sula. we decided it might be better to drive just as far as san pedro sula and then see if we could fly to roatan.

10am rolled around and ramon came back. we set off for sps. the trouble was on a huge hill just on the outskirts of town. a semi was stuck in the mud. a huge bulldozer was literally pushing it up the hill. 3 lanes of traffic spontaneously formed (2 lane road, btw...too bad for the suckers trying to get *into* copan...) about an hour later, we made it through. once the bulldozer got the semi up, everything smaller zoomed right on through the gap. witness:

we finally arrived in sps at 2...ramon waited in the car as we tried to get a flight to roatan. the plane departed at 2:30. it was full from la ceiba to roatan, but we could fly to la ceiba (a 40 minute flight - but a 4 hour drive...pesky mountains!) we gambled that we'd have enough time to get from the la ceiba airport to the ferry terminal in time to catch the ferry to roatan at 4:30.

we walked out to the tarmac and saw 2 planes. rob and i looked at each other. "it has to be that one, right?" i asked, pointing at the small, 30 seater to our right. "no..." he said. "this is exactly what you said you said you didn't want, isn't it?" he said to me, as we headed for a plane approximately the size of a butter dish. "one here, one there" said a member of the ground crew. "here" was in front. i mean - next to the pilot. that was to be my seat. a kind honduran man seated next to rob laughed as i recoiled, and said, "you're sitting shotgun!" the hell i was. i asked if he would mind swapping with me so i could hold my husband's hand when we plunged to our inevitable doom. this photo shows the pilot from our seat, about a centimeter in front of us. i took other photos, which i think better show how tiny the plane was, but apparently, even though the camera is completely automatic, my photos aren't in focus. despite the heavy clouds and rain at the end of the short flight - it was completely smooth, and other than being really loud - the coolest flight i've ever been on. beautiful (and some tragic) views - lots of green, but lots of flooding too. the whole country was hit hard by the recent rains, and more than a few pineapple fields were completely flooded. we made it to the ferry in time - which was a huge blessing - la ceiba did not look like the kind of town we'd have liked to spend a night in...like a lot of port towns, it looked grim, poor, overcrowded and desperate. no bueno. we caught the ferry for roatan - as planned - despite a late start. thank you sosa airlines!

stay tuned for roatan - part 2...

working girl...and her break

2008-02-10T00:17:00.000-08:00

so i've finally gotten some work...i did a dinner tonight, and a party last wednesday for my patrons...an amazing couple, whom i feel very grateful to know. i'm also doing a party at the end of the month at a high end furniture gallery. thank goodness...i needed this. biz cards and website are on the way...

and thank goodness PR is back...why do they take random weeks off like that in the middle of a season? it totally ruins my sense of continuity. but it returned...with the best line. ever. the challenge was basically to make porny athletic gear for some lady wrestlers. tim came into the workroom and in his usual, sympathetic tones told the designers that they'd have half an hour to sketch, and then 30 minutes at "spandex house" to get fabric. the words spandex and house a) do not belong together and b) should come out of tim gunn's mouth approximately every half hour. fucking brilliant. less brilliant was the structure of the show...obvious obvious attempts in post-production to make it seem like sweet p should be worried...sweet p is going to be out...but of course, the more they try to sow the seeds, the more deeply suspicious any seasoned reality tv viewer is likely to become. and so i started looking at the other weak designers. intrepid readers will recall that i've pegged chris, ricky and sweet p as the three weakest designers...but i loved chris's - i mean, as much as you can love that sort of thing. mostly i just loved chris's model. i know she's a professional wrestler, but that chick was smoking hot. and then there was ricky...

sometimes, you get the sense when people talk that they're just filling space. ricky's little monologue about his model and her latina roots and their connection was utter bullshit. he had no fricking clue what he was doing. sweet p's sucked too, by the way, but crying game was clearly the loser. i have to say - predicting the ranking of all 7 was way too easy. the filming must have made it really obvious, because it felt very anticlimactic. whatever. i'll take it...

PR...the salve for ennui

2008-01-24T10:59:00.001-08:00

last night i went over to sabrina's house to gossip about people we went to culinary school with and watch PR. we might also have made mention of other "reality" shows we might happen to flip past on occasion, but there's really no need to mention bret michaels' weakness for transsexuals, or any potential fascination we may have with his show here.

as episodes go, last night's denim challenge was a surprise. most of the remaining contestants produced decent looks, even though the challenge itself was kind of boring. (cut up jeans and jackets, sew them back together) the worst 2 were definitely victorya and jillian. i'll just get it out of the way now, i don't like victory-A (as sabs calls her) and i'm not sorry she's gone. she seemed whiny and weak-willed to me, plus the blue bedazzled prom number was awful. sweet-p was robbed on that one. jillian's was bad, but i think she's in the finals...despite her irritating personal manner. she's always talking about how long things take and she's always running out of time, but she never seems to be in a hurry. rami (who's also pretty insufferable) is in the finals too, i think. he went off on some self-masturbatory tangent about how much better he is than the other designers and said something about having an international refinement. or some such horseshit. we were making fun of him, so i didn't really hear all of it.

he's the santino/jeffrey of this cycle. or thinks he is - but better, of course, infinitely more refined. the most interesting thing about santino was that he was a loon bag. the interesting thing about jeffrey is that he is a cardassian. there's really nothing interesting at all about rami. he's just a smug bastard with a bit of a cruel streak. chris march (ricky gervais-ate-nathan lane) somehow keeps surviving, much to my delight. christian is starting to get on his nerves, and i hope there is some serious bitch-slapping to come. ricky won, and immediately began to weep. i think i caught nina wrinkling her nose, as if his tears smelled a little musty...he'll never make the finals - way too unstable.

my call is that sweet p, march and ricky will be eliminated, and christian, jillian, & rami are the top 3. if there's a 4th, i guess maybe it's sweet p, but i really don't think she has the chops. she might be better than i think, because i really liked her last 3 looks - but she always looks so completely gobsmacked by her own clothes...she doesn't seem to own her work at all, and that will be her undoing. unfortunately, she and march are the only remotely likable ones...and i don't think they're going to make it, which puts me in an awkward position. i'm not generally one to root for the underdog. losers...tend to lose, and hoping they'll surprise you is usually pretty fruitless. but it's a little irritating, because i feel compelled to find something redemptive in the 3 i think have a chance. christian's use of spray starch to fashion his flock of seagulls hair? i'm reaching...

fortunately, top chef is just around the corner...

top chef xmas and some deep thoughts

2007-12-08T16:29:00.000-08:00

thursday night we got to see tiffani's true colors (again) and watch tre get totally screwed. there was so much commentary throughout the show about women and women chefs...you had to suspect they were going to give it to a lady, and since leanne works for the show - it was all going to go to tif. the little bit in the intro about josie being a recent victim of a "bias crime," was bizarre, since i'm not sure exactly what a "bias crime" is. i'm guessing she meant a hate crime. i hate her hair...and i'm biased against her because of it. does that count? also, the cast was weird. josie and sandee were booted almost immediately from their seasons, betty was always dead wood...stephen isn't even cooking anymore, marcel could not be more overexposed...aside from cj, tre and tiffani - there was no one interesting to watch.

cj won the quick-fire after a surreal moment where eric ripert appeared in a santa suit to issue the challenge. why eric, why? he took off the beard and hat and just looked so...flushed and creepy. i think he looks like anthony bourdain's ruddy, older, gay brother...hung wasn't there to gaze longingly at him, but i think i caught stephen blowing him a kiss. the elimination challenge was cool - $350 for 3 courses to serve 9 people...and the judges eliminated 2 chefs after each course - or really - before the start of the next course, which is pretty brutal since they had to make the food anyway, but wouldn't get a chance to show it. i think cj got gypped because he was supposed to have immunity from *one* elimination, and though it didn't seem like his starter was in the top 3, i also doubt it was in the bottom 2, but right away tom said, "well cj has immunity." it just didn't seem like they wanted to deal with it, so they got it right out of the way. stephen and sandee were nixed after starters, then betty and josie fell, cj & marcel after the last course. then came the "surprise" twist - tiffani and tre were challenged to come up with a final course in 30 minutes to determine the winner.

sometimes people can just make one comment...and you can see their careful masquerade peel away. fakers can only hide their true colors for so long before getting caught holding their makeup bag. tiffani couldn't *believe* she had to make another dish. $20,000 is 30 minutes and a canape away and she's full of complaints. then she hoarded everything in the kitchen she could get her hands on and marshaled all the resources in her vicinity. in her behind-the-scenes clip she's smiling and pretending that she'd just been caught off guard, but it's pretty obvious that she's just a whiny cow. maybe her food rocks, but she seems so petty and aggressive and mean-spirited, i wouldn't want to support her. but, as we were frequently reminded; she's a woman, and there have been so many talented women off top chef and yet the winner is always male. so you had to know tre was going to get the shaft. he was gracious, but you could tell he was bummed. and then for some reason Bravo decided to twist the knife. after padma announced whorani the winner of the 20Gs, she said, "Tre...we can't let you leave empty-handed..." Tre smiled a little and you could almost see him thinking, "hey, $5K would be cool..." and then padma hands him... a stack of books! really? the jeopardy home edition and a tee-shirt? it just seemed a little mean.

and now, for deep thoughts...

so i'm not working, but moonlighting at the moment. this week i'm bartending for a couple of events at my old job. i was there last night, and it was really depressing. i don't want to slam the person who replaced me, i don't know him, and he came into a difficult job at the peak of the season. i just didn't observe any urgency or passion or drive in him at all. it was almost eerie. for me though, it was really disappointing to be a part of this event. everything went fine...i think the client would never have thought things were rough - but they were. there were so many things that were harder than they should have been, so much simple planning that wasn't done, and it all felt poorly executed to me. the depressing part of it, is that it was ok for them. as far as my ex-company is concerned - that level of service and execution is just fine. who but me would notice that those brownies were garnished with fucking parsley? people complimented the (perfectly cooked) flank steak, so clearly the flat-tasting and insanely oily chimichurri sauce was of issue only to me. who needs salt in their rice pilaf or for their roasted root vegetables to be tender instead of starchy, dry and crunchy? and why should anyone expect serving utensils? "oh," they'll say in their heads..."it's a good cause," as they wait patiently at the buffet line for 5 minutes for the halibut to be replenished. major bummer not only to feel like they've taken a step backwards, but that they don't notice it or don't care.

PR...and an end to the cleanse

2007-11-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

so after our 10 day study in decadence, i decided to take a break (2 days) from drinking and to eat as little as possible. it turns out that despite my love of all things edible, the food part is much easier to manage than my little wine habit. see, all our wine arrived by ups yesterday. 4 boxes... the ups guys were so funny - they just looked at me and said, "not that there's anything wrong with a woman who drinks alone..." and then backed away to the truck. after we put the bottles away, i decide to revise my time line - or rather, while i technically adhered to it, as it was a full 48 hours between sips of the red nectar, i kind of crushed its spirit. for dinner, i re-purposed some soup i'd made on tuesday (tomato, garbanzo, zucchini, & fennel) by removing the zuke (just can't like it) adding some sauteed onion, garlic, ginger and spices and then some chiffed kale. curried veg melange...it was really good. i also modified a madhur jaffrey recipe for baked fish in green chutney which i've made before. i was less successful with the rice. i don't know why i can't make rice in a rice cooker. i know all the rice-to-water ratios for like 6 kinds of rice, and i just can't accept that they don't hold with the rice cooker - so i fucked that up and had to make it over again. i can't just let something be easy. i don't know why that is.

fortunately, i had PR to distract me. 2 episodes since we'd missed one while we were away. i don't know everyone's name yet - which is way more fun, because i get to name them myself. there's bjork-sheedy who spit marks her clothes...the freak show, who seems really really sweet, but i suspect (and ok, hope) has a bitchy side. she's too modest to look at a male model in his underwear...clearly she's never been backstage at a fashion show - or in the theater, for that matter, despite being a "mulit-media artist." there's a 46 year old woman who goes by sweet p - her days are so numbered, i can't even be bothered to think of a name for her. there's sheila e, who got sent packing with the rest of the new revolution this week after her menswear debacle. there's christian, who's part andy dick in costume, part...someone else. he's bugging me, because he's so familiar. he definitely needs a name, but i have to figure out who he is first. there's hat guy, the crier, who shares an usual last name with a guy i...knew briefly. there's ricky-gervais-ate-nathan-lane, who i like. he seems funny. there was pip, aka sad newsie guy, who got whacked for his terrible sjp-challenge homage to robin hood, and his partner for that challenge - creepy, squinty almost-malcovich. that guy might have kittens in his freezer. do not like him.

so the clothes...the sjp winner, which will apparently be sold in the steve & barry stores that carry sjp's line, was so weird. it was a baggy navy dress with a small and totally extraneous vest - with a racer back that messed with the seaming. it looked dumb. sorry, but it did. it was praised for being a sophisticated color palette, but please, it was navy. bfd. i liked the crier's dress, but can see how a dress and a long ropey belt don't exactly make 2 pieces of sportswear. the judges loved bjork-sheedy's polymorphic cape-dress combo. it annoyed me that after all the polymorphic promises, we never got to see the damn thing morph. and it was too short. the tiki barber challenge winner, jack, (who i call HIV in my head. i know, i know!!! there is a dark-side to the naming.) did a nice job, but i liked kevin's vested-look better. there's clearly a reason that i'm not a judge on PR - i'm not fashion-forward enough...but i think michael kors and i would be fast friends. he's such a bitch. too early to make final 4 predictions, but i expect a lot of drama.

the napse! an orgy of culinary proportions

2007-11-27T13:28:00.001-08:00

we pulled into napa at around 6:30 exhausted and starving. we checked into the "riverpointe california vacation cottages," the timeshare my mom gave us using some kind of complicated point system. in a foolish move, the fine folks at RPVC tried to entice us into a sales spiel, a wine tour, a discounted whatnot...immediately. we grabbed our parking pass and hightailed it to our room. note to the fine folks at RPVC and like locales - wait until your guests at least have a chance to unpack before trying the hard-sell. i can't imagine feeling less inclined to listen than i was at that moment. we got directions into town and headed out for dinner.

i'll admit - we were tired. we were hungry. we were weak. too weak to listen to that little voice in our heads. you know the one. the voice of reason that says, look right again before you turn, or, that dog looks less than friendly, or, this "tuscany" place looks an awful lot like an olive garden. whatever, we thought, as we sipped our wine and picked at the oddly moldy-tasting greens in front of us, we have many more meals ahead of us here. it's a good thing we did...because "tuscany" is starting to sound like a bad word to me.

the next morning we began our tour of napa with a stop at bouchon bakery in yountville.

as we drove into town, i felt like i was on a movie set...the whole place felt like it was straight out of central casting. there was an unbroken row of restaurants i've read about...redd, bistro jeanty, bouchon, ad hoc & tfl and several others clearly geared toward the well-heeled, pampered foodie. it was a little creepy, actually, to think how much money is spent on food and wine each night on washington street...a little unneverved, but completely undeterred, we started our own little spending spree. we breakfasted at BB...a ham & cheese croissant, a caramel macaroon and the insanely divine chocolate donut pictured in my hot little hands here.

the coffee was exceptional. in fact, everything we tried at BB was amazing. i would be a heifer if it was in seattle. in this season of thanksgiving, i am forever grateful that it is safely far away.

sated and fully buzzed on sugar, fat and coffee, we went to vincent arroyo - our only appointment of the day. we went to arroyo on the reliable recommendation of anson & jenny klock...they know wine. we met the winemaker...ish. he was there, but seemed more interested in his dog than in us. he was kind of the reclusive genius type...known for petite sirah, which is not the most typical of napa wines, he apparently despises pinot noir and anything remotely trendy. i liked him, even though he wouldn't look at us. we went to a couple other places that day, the best of which was failla. we got to walk around and see the cave they're building onsite, and jason, the guy working the tasting room, was very friendly. we spent ages there. he suggested a couple of other wineries and a mexican place for lunch in calistoga. on the way, we stopped at a convenience store and saw a taco truck parked in back...seemed like fate, so we stopped in for a torta. a damn good torta. while in the lot, we met sherri, a supertaster from envy just down the road. she liked my boots and invited us over for a tasting. the wine was good - we got some rose for thanksgiving dinner and headed off to zahtila, which was our last stop of the day.

we were supposed to have dinner in sonoma that night, but we canceled. it's not super convenient to napa and we were beat, so we went into town and had dinner at annalien, a monsoon-ish vietnamese place downtown. it has the dubious distinction of being located next door to a new napa hotspot, ubuntu...yoga studio & restaurant. sounds like something out of L.A. Story. i couldn't imagine wanting to go to a place like that. ever. i don't care how carefully and sustainably picked those greens are.

dinner at annalien was great - in fact we went back our last night in town because we liked it (and the simple, clean flavors) so much. i'll jump around a little to tell the annalien story here, because it's so odd. so we went back on wednesday and we're so glad we did, because we got to meet annalien herself. picture, if you will, a woman in her mid-late 40's, maybe 4'8" on a tall day, and all of 75 pounds soaking wet. we must have missed her our first time in as we were there late...and i bet annalien was wasted by then. she was pretty drunk by 7:30 when we arrived the second time, and i noticed her sharing more than a couple glasses of wine with more than a couple of people at the bar. she clearly relishes her role as hostess, and flits around the room talking with the crowd of mostly regular patrons. at one point, she bounded over to our table, and unsure of whether or not she knew us, just hugged me. then she looked at me, tried (unsuccessfully,i'm thinking) to clear her eyes, and said, "you gorgeous." she turned to rob and said, "you lucky, she beautiful." then she calmly walked around to his side of the table, cracked him (hard!) over the head with the back of her hand and said, "she gorgeous, you fucked!" "shit, you fucked!" all three of us cracked up...whatever she meant, it was hilarious.

sunday was another power day...we started with brunch at the girl and the fig in sonoma. now this is the kind of place i would love to own someday. nice big bar, clean, simple menu with daily specials and a daily prix fixe. inventive but classic. i had a lovely champagne/fig cocktail and a pork tartine...the most perfect sandwich. ever. nice thick batard, sliced and marked on the grill, lovely aioli, lots of watercress, thinly sliced pork tenderloin and an apple/apricot/fig compote. on the side, a sexy little julienne of apple & celeriac. perfection. we returned for more tartine on wednesday...we headed back to napa for some silliness. went to BR Cohn, winemaker and manager of the doobie brothers. i think this was taken there.

we walked into and out of imagery - not our scene...on to arrowood. my notes say, "insane reserve 2002 cab - too good for us." and then we went to Mayo - and did 19 tastings. not kidding.

my photobucket caption for that one is, appropriately, "wasted." we had fun there, though. my notes say "2005 estate pinot...cook duck and drink this." they also say, "i would buy wine from me if i wrote the descriptions..."of the 2004 sonoma blend, the libertine, i say, "it's a slutty little wine...juicy, cheap and easy." need i mention we bought 6 bottles of the wee hoor?

fortunatley, rob was driving. unfortunately, i was taking the pictures!

in true rock-star fashion, however, after a power nap and a shower, we were ready for dinner at bouchon.

i like this one better, but i look scared. relax, it's only TK!

so...bouchon. it was good. really really good. perfectly executed, flawlessly prepared, expertly seasoned french bistro food, which, i guess, just doesn't thrill me. at least not at the price. i'm glad we went...and i'm really glad we brought our own wine, but it just wasn't interesting to me. we shared a charcuterie plate, a lobster salad and i had steak frites while rob had lamb with flageolets and lamb jus. his was great...but...i don't know. i'm glad i have the book.

monday we went to Mumm to drink some sparkly and look at their photo exhibit. they have some ansel adams in their permanent collection as well as some rotating photographic works. i love that space, the gallery sits on top of their caves, and you can see the barrels of future happiness aging away. the wines are kind of meh, but the view is great, the tastings generous and who can be dour when there are bubbles in your glass? we also went to regusci. the vineyard is gorgeous...they make olive oil and have tons of olive trees, and meyer lemon trees flank their patio. we loved their wines, and bought a cab and a pinot. next up was sinskey...we really like the pinot we're able to get here, but as the pourer noted, "it's a bit simple." something about that whole experience rubbed me the wrong way...and as we left rob said, "i don't think we'll ever buy their wine again..." i knew just what he meant.

we had lunch at taylor's automatic refresher, a napa institution. it's basically an old-school drive-in burger joint with really really good burgers. i had a vanilla coke with real vanilla syrup that tasted like i was 5. the lines are long, and you wait for your food out behind the counter, basically in the backyard. they call your name as your order is ready. i wrote as we were waiting, "the sun is beating on my back, a dog is barking and someone named cary grant just got his espresso shake." it was awesome.

through a connection with my sister and brother-in-law, we got an appointment at fisher. my notes say, "holy crap this wine is good." not only is the wine great, but the people and vineyard were amazing too.

after we tasted we wandered around the vineyard with sake, the owner's akita. we don't know why, exactly, but sake kept trying to bite rob's ass.

after a gallavant in the vineyard, who wouldn't be ready for *another* 10,000 calorie meal? we certainly were...so it was off to ad hoc, another TK restaurant. story of ad hoc: opened in 9/06 as a temporary (6 month) place that would serve home-style american food to foodies while he figured out how he wanted his *real* new place - burgers and half bottles - to be. it's been 14 months, and ad hoc is still around - who knows if he even intends to change it over. initially, the menu was supposed to change every day, but as time has gone on, it seems they've settled into a rotating menu with at least some items showing up every two weeks. when jenny & anson went, they had fried chicken. we were surprised to find the same menu when we went 8 months later. (in fact, we started to wonder if it's actually just a fried chicken place until our friend amy assured us she'd had osso bucco there.) it's a 3 course, family-style fixed price ($45) menu. the day we were there it was:

scallop brochette, mixed greens with satsuma & pink grapefruit supremes, citrus vinaigrette
fried chicken, buttermilk mashed potatoes, orange-honey buttered cornbread & green beans
warm chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream (initially it was a banana upside-down cake, but they ran out)

so ad hoc...best fried chicken of my life? definitely. if i was oprah - i would eschew ezells in favor of ad hoc. sides were also amazing - and the salad was wonderful. at that point, we really just wanted salad...but persevered for the children. another $200 meal once you add a modest bottle of wine tax and tip...i would go back there, though. it was really fun, and it would be a great place to go with friends...but god...so much food!

tuesday (still with me?? why??!) we went to SF to see our friends chris and amy who just got married. we got into town and had dim sum at my family's favorite, yank sing. they have these pea-vine dumplings that are so good, they alone are worth the price of airfare. we ate light (really!) so took a walk to ferry market and had dessert - a dozen oysters and a glass of wine at hog bay! ready for a nap, we checked into our hotel - le meridien, which i booked on orbitz. it looked like a good deal, but my experience with hotels in SF has been terrible. either they're outrageous, or they're transitional (the last place we stayed was lacking heat!) so we were delighted to see that the meridien seemed...nice. the kind lady at the front desk upgraded us to a bay view room...

not too shabby! we took a much needed afternoon off and watched tv and slept and then got ready for dinner at boulevard.

we had a drink in the bar beforehand. cho, this one is for you...we rarely both look good in the same photo, this being no exception, but you didn't want scenery (or, i assume another of the dozen shots i took of myself?) so here you go!

as i re-look at this photo i can literally see the effects of 5 days of excess. i appear to be sweating butter in this photo.

we had a great time and great food and wine with chris and amy, who just got back from their honeymoon in bali. they were kind enough to share a spectacular williams selyem pinot with us. great food, great cocktails, great company...i'd live in SF in a heartbeat.

wednesday we headed back to napa. the one winery we went to that day may have been our favorite. the terraces is just off the silverado trail around st. helena. it's another 100 year old vineyard (yawn) with several buildings and residences, including a tiny stone room where the owners are making balsamic vinegar. in addition to tasting their lovely wines, the awesome guy (whose name i forget!) who spent ages with us, drove us down to the tiny room and let us taste some of the 11 year old (almost ready!) vinegar. they're getting their barrels from modena and using zin grapes...standing in that tiny stone room with the afternoon light filtering in and tasting that vinegar was one of the highlights of my culinary life. there was just something extraordinary about that place...the owner was really funny - popping out of his office yelling, "you had the fried chicken??" the tasting room was in their kitchen... curry, the yellow dog...the big jeep thing nice tasting guy drove us around in, and the overall feel of the vineyard were so good. . people doing what they love and doing it well. it was the best possible end to our wine tasting.

thursday morning rob drove the 10 miles to bouchon bakery to get bread for thanksgiving dinner while i slept. (no epi left, but the baguettes don't suck either) and coffee and treats for us. seriously, that place could just kill a girl. we headed to sac to spend thanksgiving with rob's family. it was great to see them, and we went out friday night with some old friends...always fun to see them!

saturday we went up to the foothills of the sierra's to our friend brady's family cabin. we all cooked dinner and drank a ton of wine and sat by the fire and played hoopla (kind of an offshoot of cranium) which was really wonderful. we did not want to leave, but we headed back to sac on sunday for a classic roast dinner and finally home yesterday.

the only notable thing about yesterday is that i think i've overcome my fear of flying. our flight to portland was very bumpy. so bumpy that the skinny bitch across the aisle started crying. ok, i know that sounds harsh, but i really mean it as more of a descriptor than a character analysis. anyway - it was *very* bumpy, and rob was freaked (in a totally manly way) but i wasn't afraid at all. weird. now i can rank on SB again, because she really does deserve it. when we landed she called someone on her cell phone and was talking loudly about the flight and about how she was still shaking and she's cursing a blue streak, totally oblivious to the 6 year old child right in front of her. if MJ had seen the prop plane we had to fly to seattle on, her drama would have reached epic proportions. luckily, the worst of the weather was to the south of us, and aside from a little more shimmy than i like with my shake, the flight wasn't too bad. me, overcoming my fear of flight? we'll see...

who are you?

2007-11-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

patti and i went to beato tonight. as usual, the food and service were exceptional. patti had never been there, and as a regular, i felt some sense of responsibility for her having a good time. i needn't have worried, as ericka, lola and brandon took great care of us, despite some minor staffing drama.

i've lately become obsessed with the notion of alternate realities...not in the x-files sense, but in the sense that we all have alter-ego potential. surely there are ten other people you could be. when i was in NY last week with kristin we delved into this. if one of the people you could be is a heroin addict, then all you have to do is choose one of the other nine. so i've started asking people who their 9 alter egos are.

my nine in no certain order:

1) psychologist
2) nightclub/cabaret singer
3) AP English teacher
4) shepherd/cheese maker (get some sheep, goats and donkeys because i can and move to scotland or the zeal and make cheese)
5) move to se asia or s. america and fuck off...just disappear
6) writer
7) stand-up comedian...i really am hilarious. someday someone should recognize...
8) wood or metal worker. i'd love to make art nouveaux garden gates or something
9) i had to look this up in my journal because i forgot it. which, really, is funny - it's the most obvious - bourgie lady...perfect nails, personal trainer, easy living...apartments in paris, NY and wherever the fuck else i want them. perhaps i forgot it because, despite the fact that it's the easiest to fantasize about, it's also the least realistic.

as we were leaving the restaurant last night, patti brought up the wizard of oz. she said she sees herself as the cowardly lion, and she wishes she was extraordinary. i can't imagine anyone braver than patti. she got married and had a kid at 40, she's jumped from planes, moved cities alone, and left home at 16. the irony about the characters in the wizard or oz, the lesson in the film, of course, is that the lion is the bravest, the scarecrow the one with the most intellectual vision, the tin man is the most empathetic, and dorothy had all the beauty she ever wanted right there in kansas. i think i'm a bit dorothy. i'm forever wondering what i'm missing out there, wherever there is, and the truth is that i have everything i could ever want right here. wherever here is...

damn yankees

2007-09-25T22:26:00.000-07:00

my yankees still haven't clinched a playoff berth. i think they're teasing me. sox won, mariners are tied in the 11th, detroit won. time seems somehow elastic during baseball season, but it's time to batten(??) the hatches...i can smell october in the air and the stripes better find their way in before candy bars shrink to an unnaturally small size.

in other news, i found out tonight that one of my friends is pregnant. she's actually quite pregnant, so though it was a surprise to me, it's hardly fresh news. maybe it says something about our friendship (you think?) that she's 5 months pregnant and i'm just now finding out about it. we used to work together - 8 inches away from each other for almost 2 years...we practically ate each other's lunch we were so attuned. so why do i feel like i'm going to lose my friend *now*? haven't i already lost her? it's been many many months since we've gotten together, but somehow i feel like my friends are all, one by one, being sucked into the vortex. i haven't seen patti in forever - clearly as much my fault as it is hers, but i can't help but feel that if i had remembered izzi's birthday i would have earned points. i think i need a better mileage plan.

top yawn III + random reality rant

2007-09-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

at the request of my friend chris, i'm resuscitating the blog. here's an
excerpt from an email exchange about the current season of top chef.

\i thought tre and cj were destined to be in the finale. it's hard to
muster a lot of excitement about casey - rob's pick, because she's a
girl, and TC is due for a female winner. she seems nice enough, and
does well every week, but she's kind of...meh.

frankly, though i dutifully tune in week in and week out, it's hard to
muster much enthusiasm for any of them. i watch to see padme's outfits
(and the scar. i can't stop looking at the scar.) and to see who hung
will almost kill and surely alienate. despite all the assertions that
this is the most talented group yet, there seemed to be a lot of dead
wood this season. i couldn't believe that sara (of the rare chicken)
was in it for so long - until i realized that until 2 weeks ago - so
was howie! (by the way - do you watch the wire?? howie is such a
dead-ringer for one of the characters.)

hung is amusing, and i think he has a pretty good shot - my logic is
that it's time for the marcel/stephen character to win, which explains
why cj (harold/ilan) was booted. cj was my favorite, despite the
disturbing confession that he had survived testicular cancer. i mean,
kudos and all, lance, but do we really need to know about that? does
it help me understand why you served that rapini?

so that leaves dale of the fauxhawk and malarkey. malarkey bores me. i
don't care that he worries about colicchio's opinion of him and his
ability to cook something other than fish. he works at a seafood
restaurant. ilan cooked only spanish food, and he still won (though
sam's premature ouster still rankles.) i like dale, this season's
answer to season 1's dave. he's funny as hell, but i'm not sure i
think he's a very good cook.

one thing is for certain - ramsay would boot them all in an instant.
"No! bloody hell...tell me that didn't just happen...you donkeys! get
out, all of you!!" god, i love that man./

while i'm on a rant, here's another thing that slays me about these
shows, reality shows, which, god help me, i watch all too many of -
why do i want to vote (and pay!) for the pleasure of sharing my opinion
about food i can't really see, can't smell and can't taste with total
strangers? do i care who they like best? um, no - i don't care.
i watch a new HBO show called "tell me you love me." i'm on the fence
about the show (though the acting is excellent,) but there is this segment
after the show where "real" couples discuss the situations the characters
go through on the show. as if my opinion of a tv show can be influenced
by derek and lafawnda. insanity! if i cared about the opinions of the
general public - i'd talk to people on the bus. am i really paying for
HBO so that i can hear what bus people think?

week one...little orphan annie and the great gazoo

2006-04-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

i think i'm gonna like it here.

my chef this quarter is focusing on a la minute cusine - totally different from straight up prep or the steamer-heavy quanity cooking. we each got to break down a whole salmon on friday. it was gorgeous fish from cleare bay in alaska. the (insanely low talking) fisherman came in and spoke with us about his boat, his fish and his processes and then he demoed his filleting process. then he left and chef diana gave us another way to do it, which is a slight cheat, but very helpful. we all filleted 12-14# fish and we'll use them throughout the quarter - even the scrap. it was a terrific experience, though i'm hardly any threat to professionals. my fish maybe looked a little...blended in places. overall though - first time out with instruction - i'm happy with the result. chef diana came over and told me it looked great. she lies very convincingly. it's sweet, she's very nurturing. i got a little misty about it last night. i loved chef K.G. and wanted nothing more than to please him, but i really didn't learn that much. i think i can't help but learn this quarter, and it takes off a tremendous amount of pressure that she's so supportive. it feels a little unreal - both in the departure from what i've experienced and in the sense that restaurants are *not* so much like that. i'll take it while i can, though.

the gazoo encounter was totally maddening (gazoo aside). he was our computer teacher - one week, first week of class - something like 7 hours. it was a survival class and i learned exactly one thing. whatever. little gpa boosters are not to be sneered at...he looked like the great gazoo. or like a cross between mr. mackey (m'kay?) from south park and moby. he was funny "screw that, ok?" and didn't seem to mind that we were all doing email. the other section had to stay until 3 every day and had a test. we clearly lucked out.

i broke down 2 chickens yesterday. i timed myself...i was making stock and curry so i needed everything to be skinless and boneless. i realized that i did learn some things about chicken last quarter. my boned legs/thighs looked really good. i broke each one completely down in just under 15 minutes. i should probably be able to do one in 5. K.G. can do it in about 90 seconds. i'd like to see how fast i can get 8 cuts - but there's only so much chicken i can make rob eat. i made a really concentrated stock - it's probably my favorite stock i've ever made (without a bowstaff). tonight i'll grind up that second chicken and make gyoza - add some shiitake and scallion and infuse the broth with lemongrass and ginger and serve the dumplings in the broth. the curry was good but i inadvertently proved a theory set out by chef gregg first quarter. i cooked my potatoes first in the sauce. the sauce is a spicy vinegary sauce and those potatoes would *not* get soft. i even pulled them (after an hour!) and nuked them...no luck. so - acid really does prevent vegetables from getting tender. next time i will cook them separately and add them later.

time for coffee!

top chef - in 60 seconds

2006-03-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

candice and her hearts need to go. i would have liked her better if she*had* worn the edible underwear. you can't dress like a ho and then get all snotty when people hit on you in a sex shop. i like the blowsy old broad, but she's out. i'd love to see a mousse fight between tiff and the prissy sommelier (stephen?) with the reaching flavor combos. mango-corriander perhaps? they previewed him bitch-slapping candice. low hanging durian, dude. tiffani would kick your ass. though i'd hate to work with her, too self-righteous. i like harold. he reminds me of someone... brian of the apple crisp and miguel of the sam kinneson costume both seem sweet. lee anne scares the shit out of me. i think she burned off her eyebrows. on purpose. it's no project runway, but it will have to do. why did no one do something fun with gelatin? celery, for the record, is not sexy.

hiatus over - back to the grindstone

2006-03-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

what can i say after 3 months? a recap is clearly in order. i am nearly done with my second quarter and couldn't be happier about it. i love my chef - K.G. (think kejji) but i will be really glad to be done with quantity cooking. my 2 partners have been good - i like them both as people, and while we are perhaps not the best of communicators, i'm so glad i ended up with able, funny guys. things could have been vastly less fun. the highlight week for me was student lunch week (2 weeks ago.) we each took a day and made what we wanted for 60 of our fellow students. the other two acted as sous chefs, and it was really fun to be creative...for the first time - maybe ever, i enjoyed having leftovers to work with. one of our tasks was to serve leftovers from prior days, both to avoid wasting food and to have enough food available for student lunch. i liked the challenge of left over spaetzle. (saute in brown butter and add a pinch of nutmeg.) very fun. for my day i braised a massive pork shoulder and made a barbecue sauce for pulled pork sandwiches. i was pleased with the results and the response.

wow i just had an interlude...rob has a client here (stanley is currently sacrificing the walrus in his honor - yowling outside the guestroom door, walrus firmly in cheek). in any event, i've been on the verge of the giggles all day today - i'll get to some kg-isms later, but when the client came in and started talking about his work as a "compassionate listener tm," saying things like, "and it's really more of a shadow expression" i might have had to bite my lip so hard it's bleeding. nice guy - complete freakshow.

so back to 2Q. lowlights - last week as "sous chef" which is basically my worst hell as an admin - every day for a week. skirt the table with those plastic pegs that you have to jam on the table to make fit. nurse sore thumbs for remainder of day. hunt for soup bains which are invariably in the dish pit, crusted over with obscenities like cream of wheat and yesterday's chili. why must it be black? mise out the seafood fetuccine ingredients and bring them to the dunderhead making it. beg her to be out on time. haul 90 buckets of ice from 4th Q kitchen to the line. repeat. issue gentle reminders about the time to people making food at 11:05. re-issue reminders, less gently, at 11:14. ask people to clean up. ask people to stop prepping for the following day and *please* clean up. demand that people seriously clean up immediately. try not to burn self on large bain. fail. clean up exxon valdez II in massive kitchen bain (big ol hot water bath in a stainless sink which we use to keep hot things hot) when large bucket of clarified butter spills into it and jenny comes over with look of sympathy (mixed with mild disgust) to say, "um, something's wrong with the bain." continue to clean bain intermittently all afternoon. finally drain at end of day and really clean. discover nearly a quarter's worth of...buildup beneath the grates. whimper. scrub bain with fervor of joan crawford. drink heavily.

quantity cooking is kind of a tragicomedy. where else could i pay for the privilege of making elotes con queso. elotes con queso, for the uninititated, is cheesy corn bake. it's a huge corn crispy treat. oh, and it's made with frozen corn. for some reason that dish stands out to me as an emblem of my time in 2Q kitchen. which is not to say that i did not also get my deep fry on. because i did. i made eggplant parmesean, of which i would have been somewhat proud had i made the sauce and sliced the eggplant. i did neither of those things. i also made goujon (sounds fancy - it's french for fish sticks) i would have been pleased with them had i broken down the fish. i did not - it was filleted. but damn, do i ever have my 3 step breading technique nailed. so is that part the tragedy or the comedy - read on and decide. there's one girl in my quarter of whom i've been quite envious. she's gotten to break down fish, massive bone-in pieces of meat and has made some interesting dishes - ok - whatever, sweetbreads are neither sweet nor bread, but it's new and i'm jealous. it's not that i think she's now "ahead" of me or that i'm ahead of her, but i'm jealous of the opportunity she's had. then the week we were on student lunch she brought something out to the line she referred to as eggplant parm. it was alarmingly oily. as we were bagging it up for the homeless (and for that i am truly truly sorry) i realized that it was not breaded. she'd tossed sliced eggplant directly into the deep fryer and was slightly amazed that they'd ended up oily. i think there's some irony in all that somewhere. there is definitely some tragedy, however.

kg. picture if you can a man of indeterminate age. slight. half taiwanese, half japanese. when not in his toque, he favors mom jeans (maybe slightly pegged, perhaps a whisper of acid in the wash.) his casual look is finished with a black henley, and painstakingly smoothed (spit shined) hair. in short, a man to worship slavishly. he is also a complete bad-ass. master ice-sculptor. 20 year veteran of teaching. competitive chef who's won many competitions. this is a man who can break down a piece of meat three times his size in 2 minutes. his paring knife cuts like a scythe. he manages to be clinically precise, yet respectfully gentle while jamming his hands into the seam of a 30# round and ripping out the eye. *he* is magical. he speaks excellent engrish but sometimes perhaps has trouble conveying his point. i like to think of him as a bit poetic. test today, "true or false...duchesse potato should be fairly moist before piping." oh kg. what does fairly mean? it's one of countless absurd questions. sometimes nuance is lost. sometimes, it is not. today in the sandwich lecture: "soft buns maybe that's why they like the soft buns. " "lay them side by side...oh boy... side by side..." it seems that my sweet, spit-shined papa is a bit of a perv. hard to know whether to be further endeared or mildy alarmed. i bet you know where i stand. good to be back. i'll weigh in on the whole COD (chef of the day - final project) phenomenon when i've seen more. i've been thinking about mine and i think i have a theme. if i can pull it off without it being too precious, i think i'll be really happy with it. winter white is what i'm thinking...could be cool. it just kind of popped out of my mouth yesterday, already half-formed. i gave it a little more thought today and am close to having a menu. i see a lot of thumper in rob's future. i think i need a flexible boning knife!

lessons learned and it's 8pm on saturday - why am i here?

2005-12-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

ok, first things first. it is in fact, 8pm on a saturday, and i am sitting in a darkened (and chilly!) room typing away like a loser (sorry losers) instead of tripping the light fantastic, or watching a movie or drinking a bottle of wine. (whaever, so i'm 1 for 3) i guess i have nothing to bitch about...i didn't call anyone, but i keep thinking that there's no way rob will have to work late *again* on a saturday. clearly i should be riding the short bus with cheddar bob. maybe someday publicis will loosen its stranglehold on my man, but for now anyway, i rock the carneros solo.

wednesday marked my last day of school until the 3rd of january. 1 down, 5 to go. overall i'm pretty happy with how i did. i should end up with almost perfect grades. the one point in sanitation pisses me off, but whatever. i'm also a little bitter about the whole practicum experience. a week ago thursday & friday the class had individual practical exams to test knife skills, accuracy and time. we were supposed to have 30 minutes to complete a series of cuts. i elected not to practice. my decision was based on a number of factors - at the time, i didn't think that practicing was actually going to make me any better and i didn't want to psych myself out if it turned out i was way over time. i was feeling a fair amount of pressure to rock the test. when people expect things of me i feel compelled to meet or exceed their expectations - but i *hate* competing against other people. i lose all personal focus and kind of give up in competitive situations. measuring myself against other people makes me feel icky, invariably someone performs better than i do which just makes me feel like shit. especially if i try. the practicum was hellish because it was all anyone talked about for days. our grade in the class was based on the practicum plus a number of mysterious factors that our chef never really clarified with anyone.

i can't help but wonder if i sabotaged myself a little by not practicing. overall, it doesn't matter, i did fine - better than most regardless. but i still feel shame every time i think about it. why work my ass off all quarter and then not study for the final? stupid. in any event, my irritation with myself is compounded by my irritation with how the test was ultimately graded. the plan was that for every minute over 30, you lost 2 points. chef was *very* clear that he wanted us to focus on time and consistency rather than perfect cuts. he told me that 3 of my cuts were off (but he tosses them right after grading so you can't ask to see them). even not seeing them i acknowledge that i definitely sacrificed some accuracy for time (i finished in 34 - maybe 4th or 5th in the class) because i thought that was the choice he wanted us to make. since only juanita finished in 30 he reduced the number of points off to 1 for every 2 minutes over - which means i should have taken 20 extra minutes to do things perfectly and ended up with the same score but been more proud of my work. that drives me nuts. that the criteria for grading would be the same if you took 50 minutes and if you took 30 minutes is so incredibly stupid i can't even stand it. but i don't wear the tall toque, so i'll just shut up.

thursday i believe i did absolutely nothing and yesterday i went to crush for a few hours. jenny and i went on tuesday together (and abortively on wednesday which was ultimately occupied with mutal car shennanigans i haven't the strength to go into). that day i cleaned what at the time seemed like a million baby carrots. yesterday i went back and watched tim and julie clean about 10x what i cleaned in about 20 minutes. mine were cleaner, but if i wasn't free labor i bet sterility would be less important. yesterday was super fun. there were japanese leeks, ballotine wrapping,(like my sanitation project!) cauliflower shaving, brussels sprout trimming and short-rib marinating. i think i took forever on those leeks. this stuff haunts me.

it's been a cool experience there. i certainly haven't gotten to know everyone, but i like the dynamics. everyone has their role and they all seem to play well together, despite wildly different personalities. in no specific order, there's the absent-minded proffesor, who is charming as hell and likely has everyone fiercely loyal to him, but who seems to spend a lot of time trying to remember what he's just forgotten, a bratty little sister desperate for attention, a cool, wise, older brother who everyone loves and probably abuses from time to time, a kind of dorky but endearing uncle - who would totally let you borrow his car, but would have no gas in it and would need it back by 9 but would forget to tell you until he called at 8:30, a guy who reminds me of seth green but a little less neurotic and more stonerish and an older sister who would totally let you borrow her chuck taylors unless you caught her on a bad day, in which case she would definitely put you in a headlock. i don't know, but it all works somehow.

i don't think i could do what anson (the wise one) does - at least not as calmly as he does it. his prep lists are *long*. what happenss when he doesn't have as much help? yesterday there were 5 of us for a while. it's clearly crunch time - lots of private parties - but even just keeping the restaurant prepped is a lot of work. i'm heading in monday to help out again. it's weird, it's not something i think i want to do long-term, but i haven't had it off my mind all day. it's seductive in a sick, thankless way i find compelling.

holiday ennui and more bad carma

2005-11-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

i have never had good luck with cars. accidents that totaled them (and almost me), terminally plagued CV boots, exhaust rebuilds (yes, plural) more axle and tie rod issues than i can count. through it all, i remain (pathetically) optimistic. after all, few if any of these issues have been within my control. i keep thinking - well surely now...this must be it - the car *has* to be happy after all of this. and they never are. after my major accident i went to spain and decided that the burro was a much more appropriate means of transportation for me. i entertained notions of walking my burro (seamus? orcchiette? accord?) to the village and gathering our groceries from the market. i may need to revist this option.

Tuesday afternoon after school i swung by the house to drop off my gear and take stock of my kitchen to see what i needed for my contribution to the thanskgiving feast we enjoyed at jenny & anson's. i got back into the car, started her up and was on my way. about 20 yards in, i heard and felt something very bad. it was a kerklunk. the car slipped out of gear and hitting the gas just yielded a miserable whinny, a cloud of smoke and a rev. i turned the car off, turned it back on again and it was fine. i went about my business at the store, gathering the daily production from an entire dairy and staggered out of the store with my packages. turned on the car, backed out, put it in first and nothing. well, not nothing, i was graced by the grinding braying sound and the ever helpful revving. in the middle of the packed lot. a nice guy helped me guide it into a space and then backed quickly away as he saw my face on the verge of crumple. i sat in the car weeping openly, freaked, tired, and totally overwhelmed. i pulled myself together, grabbed 40 pounds of dairy and walked home. i called rob who told me he'd be working late, so likely unable to help me get home from the body shop when i had it towed there. i called AAA and was dubiously promised that the dispatch would call me when the driver was 5 minutes away. when she did, i booked it back up to the store to find the lot completely jam packed and the most enormous flat-bed tow truck i've ever seen cruising the lot like nessie in a bathtub. the driver (to whom i'll refer as penn, given his resemblance to the comedian) was maybe a little too gleeful about holding up traffic in a high-end grocery store two days before a holiday, but in his defence, the patrons were pretty rude and generally clueless...honking at the truck, waiting to turn in well before he was done (there are many ways into the lot). he was somewhat lathered as we made our way to the repair shop. his righteous indignation about the shoppers ("i know none of them was a doctor...because they didn't have any patience") turned introspective on our journey, the longest mile and half of my life. he decided it was appropriate (attractive? appealing??) to tell me why and for whom his wife had left him last year. i was as unresponsive as i thought was marginally polite. i didn't want any part of any part of that conversation, so when he offered to drive me home, i declined, grabbing my celery root and potatoes and relishing my freedom from penn.

the next morning my mechanic called and i heard the storm clouds in his voice. i think (despite the money they make off me) that in a way, these guys wish i'd find another mechanic. i think i depress them a little. i need a new transmission - he kept saying, girl, i don't understand it - you have a manula transmission, this isn't supposed to happen. meanwhile, the financial pinch notwithstanding - i've become used to this kind of news. so i authorize everything (while they're in there, they might as well replace the clutch since it has 90+K on it too) sure - go ahead - whatever. who needs shoes, or christmas presents or chef coats that don't make me look like a tonka.

all of this car rant aside, i was really really looking forward to having 5 days off and spending some time with rob. too bad it's sunday and i've seen him for 3 hours total since thursday. friday he worked 8-9pm, yesterday 9-9pm and he's been at work since 9:30 this morning. so even though we had a great time on thanksgiving (which i'll devote a separate paragraph to) the weekend has been a let down for me, and poor boy is on autopilot. i'm also somewhat trapped since i have no car. i drove him in yesterday, but i try to drive his car as little as possible since i'm thyphoid mary to cars.

the bright spots in the weekend were those not spent wallowing. friday night jess got a bunch of us together (and came to get me since rob was still at work!) for dinner at buenos aires grill. she wanted to go because they do live tango - which was pretty cool. i thought the food was ok - nothing i'd go back for. she and i shared the parradilla (grilled meat plate) which was interesting because i knew there would be some kind of variety meat on it and that's exactly the way i want to try that stuff - with no pressure. the selection that night was sweatbreads, the thymus gland of a cow. just from looking at it i knew it was something i'd never had. it was very dark in the restaurant and we thought it might have just been fatty meat, but it's just the texture - it has a meat-paste or "creamy" texture i just don't enjoy. intellectually i think i understand why people like it - and with the grill flavor the taste was fine, but it was rich in a way i did not care to pursue. rob came and met us for a quick glass of wine which sent me over the moon. we were home at 10 and he was asleep soon thereafter. sigh.

thursday was also really fun. anson and jenny have a gorgeous house, similar to ours in age and size that they've done extraordinary things to - it looks wonderful. they have a great kitchen with good workspace on both sides of the stove. and the layout is great for several people to snack and socialize while others cook, prep or putter. the food, wine, conversation and cooking were all great. i didn't make much (potatoes, ice cream & some salmon canapes) but everything i did went really well with what they made. i loved the celeriac soup (so simple, so good), the brussels and the stuffing, which was very much like my mom's - in the best way. i also think pomegranate seeds kick cranberry sauce's ass. much prettier, much cleaner and better texture. anson's mile-high apple pie and my burnt sugar ice cream were a great match too. it was very cool to like everything on the table with no sweet potato-marshmallow or green bean casserole landmines to avoid. i've managed to be completely unproductive from an academic standpoint this weekend, and so i think i may take my text book up to a cafe and do some reading to get out of here and get some fresh air since it's gorgeous outside. perhaps also servsafe? the reflection of my own glamour is blinding.

return of an old nemesis

2005-11-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

judgement. i have struggled with this for my whole life. friends will suddenly confess that before they knew me i scared them, or they thought i was a bitch. somehow, once they're my friends, they can never seem to explain what i did to put them off. before they are, they refuse to articulate it or avoid what i guess they think will be a confrontation. this has happened enough that i think it must be me - i'm putting something out there that rubs a segment of the populace the wrong way. i just wish someone could actually pinpoint it for me. here's the thing, people - it fucking sucks to be judged unfairly. i'm using the word unfairly very deliberately. everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you're going to clue people into it, the very least you can do is to justify it. rob and i were talking about this tonight. everyone makes judgements about people - sometimes flattering, sometimes complicated, sometimes unflattering - but unless you're prepared or inclined to discuss those opinions in depth, you keep them to your fucking self.

tonight i was in a social situation and someone who clearly does not get me said they felt judged by me. this was after a couple of digs and a backhanded compliment. when you say something flattering about someone under your breath to the person next to you - is it really all that flattering? i was totally taken aback by the comment. i suppose i should have said, "why do you feel that way? what have i done to make you feel judged?" perhaps that would have created an environment conducive to free expression. but i've kind of had it with this person, and i'm not one to enable passive aggression in general. fuck free expression. instead - partly because we were in someone's kitchen and there were people around who were apt to listen in at any moment - i said - "that's in your head." and then i walked away. in retrospect, i wish i'd said something like - "let's take this up another time." but i didn't. i have dreams like this too, where i respond in one way and then think later, why did i stop the conversation? i think i was just really offended and i thought the situation made me unfairly vulnerable. do i really need to discuss my (perceived or real) personality flaws with 15 people around?

i really do want to know what i've done to offend or make this person so uncomfortable, i feel like i've gone out of my way to be friendly, even kind - though i know there's awkwardness between us. tonight though, i felt totally blindsided - and more than once, which was *not* awesome. our first social interaction was initially very awkward and it was more than partly my fault. i thought at the time, however, that i made things right and explained my position and motivations and was pretty brutally honest - exposing some pretty ugly things about my character. tonight it was sort of brought up casually as though i hadn't clarified...like maybe the memory is different for the two of us. not uncommon i suppose, but honestly - not a huge incentive for me to be forthtright about my feeling going forward. plus it felt like a smackdown. especially since the realityis that i really respect this person's experience and work ethic and have made several point to let them know how i feel. i just can't help but feel like the comment was a projection. it's not that they think i'm judging them, not really, but that they've judged me, and it's hard to learn anything from someone who thrusts labels on you without knowing you. think them, feel them, test them subtly, but shut up until you're really sure. once you verbalize it - you can't take it back - and you have to justify it. i'm spent. i've gone in at least one, if not two circles, and HACCP has not been the beneficiary.

sani-who?

2005-11-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

i have a midterm on tuesday for my sanitation class. i know the professor is hard, i know i need to study, but i'm having trouble. it's hard to know if it's my old (terrible) study habits, or if it's the fact that sanitation - and what we learn in sanitation is in many ways diametrically opposed to what goes on in a high-end kitchen. clearly, the fundamentals are present in all even marginally responsible kitchens - at least in theory - shit does not belong in food. (wash your hands) but that's just the beginning. there are so many ways we can get people sick - some of them are totally beyond our control. as i ate my half dozen kumamotos last night, i couldn't *help* but wonder about that waters they lurked in...how clean was that water? was there perhaps a tinge of listeria? i swallowed, smiled and drank more champagne, trying not to spoil what should have been a pure pleasure.
i think my real unease comes down to the fact that it's pretty impossible to keep people safe from the actions of other people - theory doesn't really further any of those aims. london has pretty impressive security - so does spain for that matter. fat lot of good it did all those dead people. and here i am, recklessly continuing to use a sponge - i might as well smear chicken blood on that carrot i've carelessly set on the counter. i really just can't live that way. my grandmother used to sit in her apartment drinking sanka and handing out advice like busfare - "don't walk barefoot, you could step on a needle and it could pierce your heart." or. "don't lock the door, what if you should collapse and no one can reach you in time?" i can't live like that. are we really supposed to look at our scallions and parsley with mistrust? are they planning some kind of coup de cuisine? am i seriously taking my life in my hands with the words, medium rare burger? like countless other things in life - on tuesday from 9-10:30, it doesn't matter what i think, it doesn't even matter what i intend to do, or how or why i justify it; suffed things need to reach 165 for at least 15 seconds.

the slacker files

2005-11-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

ok, i've been remiss. i've got to figure out a way to plan this into my day at least a couple of times a week. can i jettison wretched ray and her burger fiestas? i bet i can.

rob and i had dinner last night with the lovely jenny and her quietly passionate husband anson. we went to lark and ordered to our heart's content. 2 pinots and a bottle of sparkling later, rob confessed that he was drunkish. who can blame him? somehow i felt fine, but i'm sure i wasn't the clear bell i imagined myself to be. best dish of the night to me was definitely the bass. striped? black? sea? striped, i think. served with coins of fingerling and leeks. the coins looked like hearts of palm, but provided pleasing firmness. the creamy leeks addded a little sweetness and the crispy-skinned bass the perfect salty crunch to offset the mild flesh. i'd definitely have that again.

other hits - pork rillettes (and thank you to jenny for the intro to rillettes a few weeks ago. there's no turning back it.) it was rob's favorite. he just swung in and told me, but i knew last night when it disappeared from his plate in 12 seconds. i also loved the guinea hen bolognese, which rob and i have had before, but just had to have again. there is really nothing that beats the texture of good fresh pasta, particularly thinly rolled, wide cut pasta. this was three overlapping sheets with a lovely sausagey sauce. rob and i commented the first time how un-poultrylike the texture of the bolognese seemed. almost as though they ground the guinea hen and moved on from there. whatever the technique, the effect was pleasing,

spanish anchovies are always a favorite of mine, and the salad, kind of an escabeche, that accompanied them appealed to my love of all things vinegary. we had a ragout of wild boar with porcini and great northern beans. i thought the beans were a little firm, but the boar was lovely and tender. i've been leery of fresh porcini since my vegetarian thanksgiving and the great mushroom gravy fiasco. i'm pleased and relieved to discover that fresh porcini are silky, herbaceous and mild - nothing like their dried cousins which to me taste like a hallucination in the making. also ordered was elk crepinette - not all that impressive. caul fat, as i understand it, is designed to melt slightly and basically bard (oh yes, i said bard) the meat. i thought the interior was (still) a little dry and maybe too gamey/livery tasting for me. sauteed mushrooms, which we've had before and liked, needed something. anything. more salt...thyme, sherry, a shallot...bueller? the last thing i remember was a rosti potato topped with creme fraiche and sturgeon caviar. it's delicious. it's perfect, and i love it - but come on, sundy - it's a hashbrown.

desserts were not that good, which is very unusual in my experience at lark. we had a bay leaf flan with almond biscotti, a pear tarte tatin and some kind of fruit crumble with buttermilk ice cream. i confess that i love buttermilk ice cream and crumble topping to blindness, so that was my favorite, dispite having no clue what the fruit was. apple huckleberry? was there pecan? no idea. the tarte was doughy to me. maybe the pear was too ripe or the puff was underbaked, but i didn't get the 3 distinct sensations i like in a good tatin - firm, flaky and sticky. i just got the sticky. i really have no love for flan, but the bay flan worked - especially with the biscotti. something floral popped out with the biscotti that was missing without it. flan is still baby foodish to me, but i admire the creativity and the deliberate role of the biscotti. no incidental biscotti. (great band name)

it was great to finally meet anson. after hearing so much about someone, it's fun to see dimension. hopefully they're not packing for canada or changing their phone number and we'll get to know them better.

other tales of the week...yesterday was my first day back in the first quarter kitchen after almost a month. naturally i was sent to clean out the drip pan from the grill. good thing i'd just washed and ironed my chef's coat. i also peeled and seeded bell and ancho peppers and chiffonaded some cabbage. oh, sorry, am i boring you? take a number.

the rest of last week was spent in the dining rooms of square one and one world. most of my lessons were in what not to do, which might explain why the week felt so odd...kind of negative and disconnected. i thought it was the dining room atmosphere, which is always fraught with gossip and drama and pettiness, but i think it was more than that. my examples of student leadership, customer service and teamwork were all appallingly bad this week. how long can i cling to the positive when the only useful thing i learned was how to fold a napkin like a bishop's hat (ish)? other key lessons included who to avoid in 4th quarter kitchen (honey - you are not funny, just mean and bitchy - learn the difference before you enter a real kitchen or learn how to duck), how to manage fifth quarter students who think that the green napkin they tie so rakishly around their neck gives them licence to be snappish to customers and classmates alike, and that frenzy begets frenzy - never efficiency. i'm glad to be getting back to our kitchen. as insular as it is, i have purpose there. i'm looking forward to contributing to the bounty of prep that gets wheeled down to 2Q kitchen every afternoon.

i think i might have a job too. i'm a little hazy on details, and it may well end up being a twice only thing, but i'm hopeful that it will turn into something (perhaps flexible) that i can do a couple of times a week. it's at city catering - the company that caterered patti and greg's wedding. i really liked the owners when i went to patti's tasting with her, and one of my classmates works there and likes it, so i asked him to see if they were hiring. lisa, one of the owners emailed me back and told me they were looking to staff a couple of upcoming events at nordstrom stores. i'm a little unclear about details, but i think it's a lot of plating of pre-prepped food - but i'm not sure - haven't seen a menu.

today is rob's birthday and we're going to ovio. i see oysters and champagne in our future, but now i've got breakfast to make. anyone know the number of strips in a rasher?

harvest dinner, crepes, and the bummer of breakfast

2005-10-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

this last week i was in the 2nd quarter kitchen. past 1st quarter students have gotten to break down chickens and trim meat. last week was 2Q's breakfsat rotation. it wasa a lame week to be in there since so much of breakfast is a la minute, so prep is pretty minimal. the fist day, i peeled some cooked potatoes, shredded them and then sat around for hours - huge drag. after the first day, jenny joined me in 2Q kitchen, which always adds to my enjoyment. we got to make crepes on thursday - all day. it was so fun. we (jenny, josephine (whose "real" name is beth - only people in culinary school know her as josephine - how odd is that?) kerry, kim and i) all got to make crepes for friday's blintzes. what a blast. my first opportunity to cook!! despite only being able to flip a few perfectly, it was the fastest 3+ hours of school yet.

last night was harvest dinner - it's a huge fundraiser for the program and i volunteered to help. along with about half of the class. it was about 90 degrees in the atrium as we were setting up - didn't it occur to anyone (after 14 years of doing this) to make sure the h-vac system wasn't shut off for the weekend? (no, actually, it didn't.) so it was hot, and we were all clad in miserably unflattering tuxedo shirts and bowties. and i thought the chef's uniform was a lesson in humility. the most annoying part of the night (aside from the mutterer sitting behind me during the debrief) was the 5th Q students. they're all in charge of stations and generally tasked with making sure everything runs smoothly. my lead was very sweet - and only 20. she did fine, but planning isn't yet natural to her. our station gear was set up in the hall between the atrium and the room where the guests had appetizers and learned about our sustainability program. since it was exposed, mr. dillard (duke of dining) asked us to set up on the fly between the mingle and dinner. as such, we didn't really have a chance to make sure we were properly stocked. when we took inventory of our wine, glasses, etc - it became clear that we were missing more than 50% of what we needed. i trotted around to the other stations to pillage what i could. the other 5Q students were *(overly) protective of their bounty and i found i had to beg, borrow and steal from them just to get what we needed. it was annoying and unnecessary. don't they all work in restaurants? do sauciers horde plates from entremetiers? seriously - do they? it just all seemed terribly small picture.

once service began there were far too many rules (serve from left, ladies first, use a guard while pouring, etc) and too many people directing traffic. fortunately the bevy of bodies became a boon (sorry - wine makes me alliterative) at the end when we all got the room clean in less than 30 minutes. all the students (and most of the chefs) headed to Bill's Off Broadway - a dive bar - for the after party. i got to spend some quality time with some of my classmates. nothing like a little bud to loosen the lips of strangers - it was very fun.

next week i start back in 2Q kitchen and then spend a week in the dining room bussing tables. someday i bet i'll use my knives. they're sharp and ready.

hep-A, fractions, hot pots and a whole lot of brunoise

2005-10-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

this past week i wasn't in the kitchen at all. it was my stocking & pot washing rotation. really, it wasn't that bad - mostly because i bonded with another classmate...without jenny, the entire week would have been much longer, and much less amusing.

the stocking of pots is kind of fun. you get to walk around the kitchen and put clean things away. it's kind of zen - doesn't take much skill to stack newly clean things on top of already clean ones. you also get to organize things to some extent, which is satisfying. those first 2 days a woman named jennifer was unloading the dishwasher. she's not a student, and she's somehow not all there, but her hands are made of asbestos - that woman can handle molten steel without a flinch. unfortunately, she also has a chronically runny nose, which disturbed everyone else in the room - clean dishes plus dirty nose...what would cynthia (sanitation instructor) say? the nose was bad enough, but at the end of day 2 i came into the dish ring to see not only the contents of her nose, but also a pickle, clutched firmly in her left hand. why that pickle put me over the edge i can't say, but it was really the final straw. luckily for us all, she was not in thursday or friday.

pot washing (yesterday and thursday) is the gross job. yesterday must have been very hectic because there were not only tons of pots, but also lots of burned on food. one pot was totally carbonized. cindy (duchess of the dishroom, supplies and food ordering) gave me some kind of toxic cleaner to get the stuff off. hard to know just how to feel about that. thursday there was no hot water in our 1st Quarter kitchen, so at the end of the day jenny and i were lugging our 30 QT stock pot (ringed with a fresh, thick layer of chicken fat) down to the ring to clean it. she came in yesterday with quite a memento...a constellation of fat across her shirt, happily baked on from the dryer. mark my words - it will be all the rage in 3rd quarter.

last week was all about knife skills. lots of small dice and brunoise. i think my cuts are good, but definitely not fast enough. next week i'll be in the 2nd quarter kitchen, assisting. hopefully i'll get a chance to improve my speed and maintain some precision. it was hard to be out of the kitchen for a whole week. jenny and i came back into the room after 4 hours of grossness to see our fellow students breaking down chickens. we felt bitterly cheated. i'm sure we'll get our chance too, but at the time, it was pretty hard not to indulge in a little self-pity.

i got a hepatitis-A shot on wednesday. seemed like a good idea. the oddest part was the release form. they ask you a bunch of questions designed - i guess - to make sure you haven't had any reactions in the past from vaccines. they asked things such as - after a shot have you ever experienced the following: dry mouth, extreme soreness, shortness of breath, convulsions (whoa, what?) seizures, (um...no - is this a concern?) and the best - high pitched crying. wtf?? spontaneous high pitched crying sounds comically terrifying. fortunately - my crying has remained at normal timbre.

personality-wise, my class is very interesting. there are several very young people, some much older than i am, and some i haven't spent much time with yet since we've all been on different shifts. there is definitely some fodder for drama - but since it seems likely that at some point people from class could read this, i won't go into any gossip. suffice it to say that there's no one i really dislike, there are a couple of total nut jobs, and it will be really interesting to see how all the psychology works out. i love not being super young...juanita and i were talking about how nice it is to be able to keep emotional distance. it's so striking for me because i've always struggled with it. not that i've been terrifically challenged yet, but so far - it's been fairly easy to keep from feeling overly dumb/attacked/lesser etc - the usual. i probably ask too many questions, and i probably participate too much...but whatever. i made my chef laugh yesterday. i brought in an article about heirloom turkeys and jenny, chef, juanita and i were all talking about factory farming. he was telling us that commercial turkeys have been so genetically modified that they can't even reproduce naturally. how gross is that? i made some comment about them all being bred to be stacked and he cracked up.

math rocks. my professor wrote "terrific" on my homework - i'm such a math dork! i can't believe i'm actually taking the class, but it's fun - my math ego hasn't been stroked since 3rd grade - which, actually, is about the level of math we're working at right now. i'll take it.

so that's the week in review. 6am comes very early ever day, but it's not nearly the struggle to get up that it used to be for work. it's wild to wake up every day and feel promise. i hope it stays that way.

and so it begins

2005-09-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

class begins at 7:30 sharp. i certainly hope that you're the kind of person who arrives at 7:00 when your class/shift begins at 7:30 (implication - otherwise - you can't be serious about this...otherwise, no one will recommend you...otherwise - you're not a PROFESSIONAL)

welcome to my chef. i'll leave out the numerous hygiene and tidiness exhortations as i think they're fairly implicit in the above excerpt. i don't really have much to report. i met a classmate today who seems to be in about the same place. she worked at microsoft for a couple of years. like me, she doesn't have to work while she's in school, but she'll see what happens with industry-specific opportunity. we giggled about the one ridiculous classmate of ours.

the one major thing that has struck me since i've started is my (general) confidence. we haven't done anything in the kitchen yet, but so far, i've been completely unfazed by my peers. some of them are working in kitchens now. some of them have prior culinary experience, but i notice how strong my voice is when i ask a question. i notice that when juanita introduced me today in math, i was pleased with her presentation of me - though it was personal, i felt no shame - no doubt about presenting myself honestly. it's pretty fucking nuts for me not to worry about other people's opinions. i noticed some of my classmates straining to hear - interested in me. and it seemed completely natural. who am i becoming? i love it. i wonder if this happened at the zon, or if it's a function of leaving - but i feel powerful and relaxed all at the same time. my ridiculous classmate seems to fixate on tiny little things that are totally irrelevant to everyone else. there's a chip on that shoulder that i think we all feel. she bemuses and annoys me, but my real qualm with her is that she's unfriendly. somehow my confidence has enabled me to meet people without worrying about the consequences. it's like some kind of strange (re)birth for me.

my math class is so insanely easy i did this and next week's homework assignments tonight. the idea that math would be easy is pretty unreal, but this math is just a joke. elementary or maybe 7th grade level. i don't know how they can possibly require anyone who's even smelled college to take this class. i'm ok with it, though - hopefully it'll be an easy A. i'm dying to get straight A's. never in my life have i cared about grades, but i can't help but feel compelled...so many new feelings.

i was telling rob tonight that something about school feels like summer camp. i'm not sure if it's the "older kids" doing big kid stuff, or not knowing our way around, or just that (once we start) it's all so damn FUN and interesting, but it's kind of camp-ish.

magic kingdom my ass

2005-08-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

the moment i stepped onto the gangway from the plane i was unmistakably in florida. the smell of wet toilet paper and hot asphalt hit me in the face like a slap. as i headed toward the tram, weaving through the fanny-packed masses, i saw a classic type-two diabetic woman walking through the airport with a video camera. on. why she was capturing the beating heart of the airport remains a mystery. the smells - BO, grease and grass kept coming as i headed to baggage claim and i wondered for the millionth time how the disney empire keeps reeling them in year after year. this place, quite simply, is a cesspool.

taking two flights to get here was a necessary (financial) evil, but i will try really hard not to have to do it again. i slept for only a couple of hours - partly due to a greedy seatmate who wanted to indulge in the spoils of first class - yes, they serve a meal, but why are you hungry at midnight? go to sleep you pig! and partly due to a catterwauling infant. (when cleaning out my desk i found some united first class upgrade certificates. no idea where/when they're from, but i plan to make full use whenever possible.)i had to stop in chicago for a couple of hours and couldn't get to sleep again on the second flight. for some reason, the flight pattern out of seattle was one i don't think i've seen before. we must have headed pretty directly east, and the night was very clear. the snaking highways were still busy at 11:30 when we took off, and the clusters of lights looked artfully scattered...kind of like beading on a dress. says ms. one track mind. speaking of, today my mom handed me some stuff to put in the washer, called me madam and then corrected herself and called me mademoiselle. i realized that i'm almost a madam. when people call me ma'am - one year exactly from today - it will be accurate, if not flattering. disturbing.

last night was a challenge. in addition to me being exhausted, we got into a conversation that didn't go as i'd hoped - nor as she would have hoped, frankly. i'm left, as always where my family is concerned, in a position where doing what i feel is right will hurt someone i care about. not doing it will unfortunately have the same effect. and i made her cry. kind of uncontrollably. it was not pretty. we left things somewhat unsettled, but not really.

bury the ending - six feet under

2005-08-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

can you spoil a post in a blog no one reads? whatever - fans of SFU - consider yourself warned.

i was prepared for a little sentimentality...i even welcomed it. while it was odd to suddenly kind of hate rico and vanessa - were they buzzards or what? it was nice to see david confront his demons, even if they were a little too literal. i liked that ruth and claire finally stopped fighting for shrew of the year and that ruth set claire loose. i thought ruth's transformation from catatonic to insightful, warm matron was a little fast, but george, historically, has inspired a lot of personality changes in her. i even accepted nate's 180 on willa, andthe fact that you know but never really know that maggie must certainly be carrying his child.

but that ending. the montage. unbelievably bad. all of them - was that the *same* wig? and did it originally belong to the crypt keeper? all white and futuristic...and still utter schlock. brenda at some wedding fat and pregnant again with stock handsome normal guy next to her? yeah - he's the kind of guy who'd be dating a single mother of 2...that guy wouldn't last 5 minutes in a room with billy, the mother and olivier. and was there a shot of another where an all-grown-up anthony is all buff and seated next to a buff asian guy? come on. and claire would never marry ted. rob pointed out that he was certainly banging a stripper before she even got on the highway (and the 10?)and she would have found some hot skinny indie artist in NY to curl her toes. horrifically lame.

unblocked

2005-08-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

so i sat down last night and wrote the ceremony for patti and greg's wedding. i'll post it here after saturday - i don't want her to see it before then. not that anyone is reading anyway. it's a little strange to write somewhere for public viewing and know that no one even knows i'm here (or cares, i guess is better) kind of like high school... :)

it's ok...the whole notion that you can really be validated by strangers is kind of foreign to me anyway - so for now - anonymity is fine. i started this blog in the first place because when i start school i want to document it. since it's culinary school, i think my posts will likely appeal to a certain demographic, and maybe i'll add the url to an email sig line at that point. this next month it's pretty much just practice. it's amazing how completely my writing skills have deteriorated while working in finance...i'm hopeful that sustained practice will get me back on track.

the industry of sham

2005-08-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

patti's last fitting was yesterday and when we were in last i decided to book myself an appointment - you know, just to see. first off, it's hot as fuck inside those dresses. the one i liked best was 2 piece and heavy silk. i may need to severely dehydrate if i end up with that one. looks like i may be va-va-bride after all. it was pretty hot, i have to say. i only tried on 3 or 4 - i need to pace myself, and really, it's kind of easy to be over it. you look really bridey and all, and that is the point, but i started to feel like a doll i had when i was a kid. i can't remember what they were called, but you basically snapped these hard plastic outfits on top of her. when i'm down to my thong and shoes about 4 minutes after meeting some girl and i'm handing her my skirt...i don't know. at least they should offer drinks. actually, i was totally surprised by what looked best on me. i don't know how they do it, but even simple dresses are cut really well and look super flattering. i think maybe there was some vaseline on the mirrors or some kind of scent pumped into the air. if all clothes were built by the bridal industry, we'd all look totally hot. of course, we'd also need someone to dress us. isn't it a little strange that the last time you get dressed as a single woman, someone else has to help you? it's like even the independence you take for granted is called into question - juust when you need it most. i blame the industry.

all fixed

2005-08-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

rob and i were talking about me quitting this morning. he brought up a good point - when you're close to being done with something, it gets easier to do. the pressure comes off, you're more able to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment, or the relief or whatever.

it just seems so cruel that only at the end do we actually see things without that feeling of oppression. why can't i harness that feeling all the time? it's not as though the work product is really any different at the end...sometimes it's better. when i have a sinkful of dishes or a huge pile of laundry - i'm not sloppier with the last glass - i feel pleased that the sink is empty and i don't even think of resenting the glass or that i have to clean it. in fact, by the time i'm nearly done, i'm lingering. i'm lovingly making sock rolls or scouring the sink. it's pretty stupid. is it the mere thought of obligation, but not the job itself? maybe it's not a fair analogy, with real work it makes a little more sense. a job seems endless. one day bleeds into the next and you pathetically find yourself excited for the weekend like you're a character in a third-rate 80's song.

it's the samenss that's so crushing. but as i mentioned yesterday, i'm a little depressed to leave.
so where does that leave me besides, apparently, fated to misery? maybe i have a subconscious resistance to change. i always feel more warmly toward something i'm about to leave. i think it's because somehow i'm doubting that i'm doing the right thing. i think i'm looking for reassurance that i'm doing the wrong thing. that way i guess i have an out. i can give up and maintain the comfort of the status quo. that totally sucks. do i really secretly feel that unhappy sameness is better than risk - regardless of the potential outcome? good thing i locked my subconscious in the bathroom while i quit my job. when did i get so scared of being scared? is this something a poltergeist marathon can cure? maybe i should take a couple of blindfolded runs through a razor factory, or eat some raw chicken or... quit my safe corporate job and go to culinary school. hey, i'm doing that. super, i'm perfect now.

fear and freedom

2005-08-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

i send out these emails at work to a mailing list. since i've decided to quit, i've gotten more and more brazen about editorializing them. i've been sending them out for years and almost never got a comment. in the last year, i've started having a little fun with them and started noticing that each time i send them out, i get new subscribers. i've been stopped in the cafeteria by the CEO, and sent emails by a couple of SVPs who tell me how much they love them. today i got so many positive comments, i'm regretting not being even ballsier. it's amazing how liberating it is not to worry about job security, and ironic that cattiness is universally entertaining.

yesterday i was in the elevator with someone i used to work more closely with - back when i was a secretary. as she chatted and pretended to listen, i realized how angry i am with her. she used to invite me to parties, and we'd go out for drinks every now and then. once i changed jobs and never heard from her again, i realized she'd pretended to be my friend when it suited her, and once i no longer had the ear of someone in power, she dropped me like an old shoe. there's really nothing like changing jobs from powerful to scrub to find out who your friends are. oddly, it really had nothing to do with level - some VPs still treat me like a human and some were all too eager to talk shit about me the minute i changed jobs. it's just kind of disappointing to find that someone you thought liked you - who you liked - and who was more or less a peer - was just using you to get in with your boss. she totally played me. i'm really looking forward to a change of pace. that pace will undoubtedly be hot, dangerous and stressful. sounds terrific. at least it's real. i can't get beyond the feeling that nothing i do at work matters at all. i'm terrified to leave, and as the end approaches, i like my boss better, don't feel as bothered by the work, and generally find myself painting a rosier portrait than it deserves. it's good that everyone knows i'm leaving and i've been training a replacement. no turning back...

3M products & prayer

2005-08-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have to go get a school uniform. It will be my first. I'm going to have to see if I can find (at some point) gear that's not as miserably unflattering as what I'll be stuck with initially. Pegged pants, thick white jacket...Hot Hot Hot!

I guess it can't all be like Saturday night. I threw caution to the wind and bought a very expensive, but utterly gorgeous dress a couple weeks ago. Since this summer will see 3 weddings, I needed a dress to wear to 2 of them, and I've borrowed a dress for Patti's. So I took this dress to be altered, since it gaps a bit in front, and I wanted to avoid a Janet Jackson moment. I picked it up Friday and the gapping was still a problem. I should actually take it back to them, because I think they messed the straps up a little - but whatever, it's a pretty rocking dress anyway. I hunted and found double stick tape - which, despite both of our skepticism - worked! The wedding was ok, the ceremony would definitely have been more meaningful if we'd been able to see anything - a huge downside of such a casual ceremony was that shorties like me got the shaft. I just saw a few guests holding their cameras over the heads of other guests.

there were 2 fantastic parts about the wedding, both male; one was named Marvin, and the other was Alan. Marvin, date of the bride's mother, was lighting joints and generally getting trashed. He was so messed up later in the evening, that he was unable to sit still. Pleasing, if Mel Brooksian. Alan was a different story. A Christopher Walkenish guy, he oozed personality and dropped names and details like he was trying to impress. There was something alluring, but sinister about him...Maybe it was the Tony Sopranoesqueness of him. There may be a pair of concrete shoes in the trunk of Alan's car - but I had a great time talking to him. The cake was good too. Lisa and I danced and did running kicks in the driveway. Something about that dress made me feel totally free and happy. Worth the money.

reconnecting

2005-07-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

A friend, Dana, whom I haven't seen in ages, is staying with us for a couple of days. It's so disturbing to think, "she looks exactly the same...As she did *10* years ago." holy shit. That made me feel old. We weren't ever super close, but we were in the same junior year abroad program in Sevilla, Spain and spent 4 days alone together in Morocco. We've been reminiscing about the trip and it's pretty hilarious how differently we remember things.

Our first real day in Tangier -- we got the hell out of there as fast as possible. We hopped on a train bound for Fez - about 7 hours south. We sat next to a slightly crazy looking western woman named Donna from New Zealand. She was gorgeous in a sad kind of way. Slightly too old to be girlfriend #1, she had frizzy red hair, an aging but great body and huge trapped eyes. She ate sunflower seeds obsessively. She'd been in Tangier - shopping I think with her boyfriend Abdul, and they were on their way back to Assilah, a town about an hour South. Long story short, we ended up getting off the train with them in Assilah. I remember them offering to show us around a "real" town and a "real" medina (open air market) and thinking - take a chance! - see a place you'd never otherwise see. Dana remembers that Donna offered to get us high and I leapt at the offer. Also totally possible.

We both remember the house, where poor Donna spent most of her time - cloistered. It was absolutely gorgeous - tiled floors, arched doorways and a wonderfully open plan that they certainly rarely used to entertain. They both wanted us to stay, and went out of their way to be welcoming - so much so, it was a little creepy. Abdul kept offering us the opportunity to shower...we were crazy high, which added to whatever paranoia we were entitled to be feeling under the circumstances. I think they just wanted Donna to have some company, but we clearly had nothing in common with her aside from skin color. All day we tried to be clear that we were going to have to go...must catch that train! Abdul sort of brushed us off for a while, but finally at around 4 put us in the car and dropped us at a patch of grass with no station, one track and a camel. Camel ass has never looked so good.

The train to Fez is something else we both remember. People would go to Spain and bring back goods that were otherwise unobtainable in Morocco to sell. There must have been some tarriff they were trying to avoid, because rather than bring the clothing back in bags - they would wear it. We were a little clueless at first, wondering why all of these morbidly obese people were on the train all at once, and how they seemed so spry despite being so heavy. It finally dawned on us that they were ordinary people wearing extraordinary amounts of clothing. It was unreal. We were sitting in small berths and to the sounds of police whistles and shouting, people on the train were stashing TVs over our heads and VCRs beneath our feet. As soon as someone cleared black market electronics from over our heads, smothering us with cotton flesh in the process, another would rush into the compartment with a massive suitcase. Twilight zone. A professorial type befriended us and offered to show us his village, but we demurred, having had enough excitement for one day.

Dana was saying that she remembers me getting stared at because (then) I had black hair and light eyes. I will admit to the rather dubious distinction of being irrisistable to lechers worldwide - and sadly for me, nearly exclusively to them. If guy is beating off on the subway - he's looking at me. If an old codger shuffles down the street and oogles a woman while holding his granddaughter's hand - I'm the ooglee. In Morocco I was propositioned in pidgin English, Spanglish, and French and was stared at brazenly countless other times. The truly ridiculous thing about all this is that Dana is 6 Ft tall, blond and unbelievably gorgeous. I guess I was just lucky. It's gotten better as I've gotten older. I guess that's supposed to depress me, but I really don't miss pick up lines like "fucki fucki."

Let's talk about integrated systems

2005-07-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

Registering for classes yesterday was a painful reminder of how very much my life will be changing. First off, my soft office feet blistered about 12 seconds into the afternoon and I had to focus on chewing my gum and remaining expressionless. Secondly, I discovered that there's a secret language using real words in totally opposite ways. Those people are fucking insane. There were a lot of, "ok, i know what I mean by the word list, what does it mean here? moments. I'll be the first to admit that being a corporate drone has heightened my sensitivity for process failures and inefficiencies, but the fine folk at SCCC could use some serious training. Haven't they learned the lessons from Hell's Kitchen? We have to work together people, or we'll never get through a full night of service.

A few weeks ago I got a welcome packet with a parking pass and a registration slip. I was instructed to come for my S.T.A.R.S ("Sucking Time and Raising Stress") training which consisted of a presentation that was totally useless to me, and clearly designed for people pursuing an AA/AS. But I wanted to do the right things, the things I never fucking did the first time around, which might have something do with the fact that I'm now 30 and going to trade school. So I sat dutifully through the bad powerpoint (flying graphics are *not* interesting!) and waited for a meeting with the adviser. We spent about 9 seconds together before she asked me if Culinary had "said I was ok." I said I thought so, (what does 'ok' mean to you?) and she sighed and pointed me upstairs. Clearly, they've seen this kind of thing before. Not that they're about to fix it and spoil all the fun. So with the dread of rewatching a played out scene I entered Culinary to find that, of course, they had no record of me. At all. Despite numerous status-update phone calls, despite the fact that I'd sent transcripts, and taken a placement test, and then called to make sure "I was ok." Most confusing to me is that they have no record of me despite my having received a notification to register.

"Everyone gets that," the administrator tells me. The fact that this is not technically true, that I've never gotten a registration slip before, probably because I've never been a student there before is somewhat lost on her. "Have you quit your job?" This is not going well. The waiting list is 7 quarters long. I have visions of spending 2 years working retail. Fortunately, email, 7 years of being a bitch at work and an unusual name saved the day. Someone who worked in the office came over and remembered our email conversation. It seems that after I took my placement test I was supposed to hand carry the results upstairs. Despite the fact that I asked the person who gave me my results if I needed to do anything and was told no. Despite the fact that those results were in my profile on their computer system, 6 inches away. They looked at me as though I'd suggested eating some vomit when I asked if they could access my results from their computer. I'm only confident that I'm really "ok" (my definition) because I paid them. Nightmare. And classes are going to start at 7am. I must be crazy, because I'm still totally excited.

On another topic, I've been paying a lot of attention lately to the bunny. Despite the fact that I'm bunny to many, I have to give it up for this guy. I don't remember how I found his blog but I'm impressed with his honesty. He's a great writer with kind of a charming blend of self-effacment and paranoia. What's most interesting to me is how his style has changed since he's gotten more hits. It's obvious in some ways that he both likes and resents the pressure to write and to be funny. The bunny, like legions of men I've met has one fundamental problem - he dates the wrong women. If you read the his site, you'll see what an understatement that is, but I don't mean it the way he does. The women he dates are crazy and in talking about them, he worries that he may appear misogynistic. Of course, that's because he dates women who get jealous of the Sunmaid raisin girl...logic is not a primary attribute for these ladies. Anyway - I love the site, his stories and lists are always funny but the most compelling reason to read is that this guy is a brutally honest self-analyst. check it out.

know when to run

2005-07-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

my friend patti is getting married next month, and i wanted to know if i should put together a ladies night for her. it's too soon for me to think about all of that personally, but i have three weddings in the next three months, so all things wedding are top of mind. it turns out that she doesn't want anything hen-ish. she and greg want to get everyone together, drunk, and losing money at a casino somewhere.

i love that idea. rob and i went to a casino for our 1 year dating anniversary. we had planned to follow it up with a visit to the olive garden, but were so caught up in the rod stewart impersonator, we missed last call for breadsticks. the shameless campiness of casinos makes me laugh. in the US, anyway, casinos are in the middle of nowhere you want to be, but they'll let you pretend that you just stepped into buckingham palace. they might have tarted up a concrete box with roccoco mirrors and chandeliers, but you're always going to be stuck with the carpet in blue, gold and red. it's a time-tested mask for vomit, grime and shame. they're hoping you aren't paying attention. just paying. that's fine with me. watching the shift between desperation and forgetting is entertaining enough. there's nothing like seeing a retiree in a chandal working three slots at once at 4am to remind me of what i have.

in the course of our conversation, patti wondered if a joint celebration was 'enough.' i know she didn't exactly mean enough for her, or greg or them both or her friends ... but, in a way of all of them and a little tiny bit for convention's sake. after all, she's been planning a wedding for 6 months. with so many things to get done and so many choices to make - it's easy to lose perspective when you're actually given a choice that's not turd sandwich or giant douche. (both of which, for the record, are what i consider a night with 8 drunk girls sipping champale from penises.) patti is not a conventional girl by any stretch, but she wants to make sure everyone's happy. if there's a luncheon of some sort she's expected to attend, then by gum she'll be there.

so i started thinking about other people's expectations and how sometimes they're a proxy for convention. people who claim to be above convention are total chickenshit liars, and i'm glad she's honest enough to admit that it matters to her, even a little, what other people think. of course, i'm also fervently glad she didn't want to be wrapped in toilet paper.

and then i got mad. why should patti or any of us have to fly in the face of convention when convention is moronic? who invited convention in anyway? someone should leave some sure! in it's locker, because convention smells bad.

what the hell kind of celebration dictates that men and women separate to the relative safety of their own gender camps to gird themselves for the battle of marriage? men are supposed to engage in some sort of warped sexual last rite liturgy, while women are left to play fantasy games. what is this, braveheart?

bachelor parties all seem to have one thing in common. tits. the most important thing about these parties is for the guy to get chock-full-o-tits. theoretically, these tits are better than the ones they're about to be looking at to the exclusion of all other tits forever. sounds sexy to me ... "please, put your hands together for...Candice!"

for women, it's not only pathetic but also boring. cake, cocktails, games, and gifts. bridal shower gifts always seem to involve underwear designed to make their tits as enticing as the newly forbidden tits their soon-to-be husbands are looking at right now ... it would almost be funny if it wasn't so pitiful.

it's enough to send a girl running straight to the black jack table. deal me in.