tc two-fer!

i was out last wednesday night and never found the re-broadcasts of tc. it was a very "real housewives" week on bravo. so last night i had myself a double shot of tc.

the last challenge in NY determined which of the remaining 5 would make it to the final four in new orleans. wylie dufresne came in to judge the quick fire. since wylie is known for being one of the US pioneers of molecular gastronomy, that had to play into the challenge. additionally, the contestants had to frame their dishes around eggs. most of them did cool looking stuff...but, imo, the finn's custard with mango puree looked the coolest and the tastiest. the custard mimicked an egg white (though, cleverly, it contained yolks), and the suspended puree within (which had egg whites in it) oozed like a yolk once broken. btw - he didn't call that a panna cotta, did he? he better not have... carla did a green eggs and ham inspired dish, which won. she was the only contestant to do just one thing, and it was clear that her focus paid off.

the elimination was very impressive - prepare the "last meal" request for 5 famous chefs. the knife draw (which determined who cooked for whom) seemed staged...fabio drew lydia bastianich (an italian) the finn drew marcus sammuelson (a swede) hosea drew susan ungaro (he wants to be famous - she makes people famous) carla drew jacques pepin (she's a classic french cook - he's french) and leah drew wylie dufresne. i missed most of what she said, but i got the sense that she thinks their styles are compatible. whatever - leah had to get someone. i suppose.

the last meal requests were all very classic, and the chefs were left to figure out whether or not they should put their own spin on things, or whether they should keep the meal classic. and i wrestled with this too. every time they get a challenge, they're told to show the judges who they are as chefs. but, if it's really your last meal - do you really want your palette or your assumptions challenged? do you want to be wowed? or do you want to be comforted? i think chefs - for sure - want to be comforted.

leah made eggs benedict, hosea had scampi and tomatoes provencal, fabio had roast chicken & potatoes with a green salad, the finn had roasted salmon and spinach, and carla had squab and peas. somehow, fabio broke his finger in the kitchen. it was a little peculiar that they never really explained how or what happened, but he can always be relied upon for some great quotes. when asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, he said of his finger, "i'll chop it off and sear it on the flat top so it doesn't hurt anymore and then tomorrow i'll deal with having 9 fingers." and then he said something about boots in his ass and his need to extract them that, frankly, i did not want to understand then, and still don't. just before judges table, tom came into the kitchen and said - "lot of important people out here - don't fuck this up and make me look bad." thanks, tom! way to inspire.

the guests all sat on one side of the table - a kind of amusing homage to the last supper... first up was leah, who (foreshadowing) thinned her hollandaise just before service. judges agree - thin hollandaise, eggs maybe a little underdone. i wrote "c+ effort" next was the finn - who way overcooked the salmon. he added a dill sauce and said something about spinach 2 ways (creamed and sauteed) but the judges seemed confused. finn very cocky - as usual - but it was clear he was in the bottom. hosea next - i thought his plate looked very banquet-y. judges liked it, but thought it traded looks for flavor a little. fabio (who hacked that poor chicken up with a cleaver) despite his injury, cooked a great roast chicken. classic, well-seasoned, etc. judges loved it. carla was last, and while there was a little disagreement about the doneness of the squab, everyone loved the peas, and jacques - perhaps the most adorable man alive said, "zee peez are absolutely scrumptious. i could die happy wiz zat." holy shit. and i started to wonder if i could call carla the dark horse of the competition without irony. i decided i could not, but also decided i was ok with the irony. so fabio wins, and despite the fact that the finn's dish was probably the worst, leah gets the axe, because, let's face it - she was the weakest chef. and i hate her. and she's whiny and annoying. and no one is sorry to see her go. in fact, you can see hosea is relieved, even though he says some nonsense about "having someone else to win for." he sucks.

the finale...(part one)

so the chefs all head to NOLA, for the finale. they meet at the airport. carla looks awesome - her hair is straight and fierce. the same can not be said for fabio, who has ill-advisedly gone 1989 billy ray cyrus without the tail. guys, if you have curly hair, you may *not* faux hawk. the finn looks curiously bloated and hosea looks as dumb as thick as ever. the chefs head to some outdoor place for the quick fire, and i turn to rob and say, now they'll bring back eliminated contestants somehow. sure enough - the quick fire pits 3 eliminated contestants against each other to see who will join the top 4 for the elimination challenge, which will knock them down to 3. (math is confusing - but it will all become clear soon enough.) the 3 competitors are jeff, tats (!!) and leah. hosea is clearly dismayed to see leah, (as am i) and i've got to confess - i have a glimmer of hope that my day one prediction would be resurrected. i wrote, "if jamie is back - I AM A GENIUS!" but alas, emeril did not get my memo, and picks chase-alike to go back into the fray. the chefs then go to delmonico's for dinner whereupon i have a revelation.

seated next to one another are hosea and the finn. they look alike (esp. now that the finn has expanded). they are dressed alike, and they are equally annoying, but in different ways. they all like a fish dish, and hosea is quick to claim that it's very regional. the finn dismisses him, and says it's very classically french. (cut to shot of hosea clenching his jaw) i decide that the finn represents the old world, and hosea the new world. the finn is arrogance, and hosea is lack of confidence (clumsily and beefily masked with bravado). i wrote, "i am irked that hosea is so annoying, he makes me root for the finn. i hate the finn!" whatever - it was 10:30.

so for the elimination challenge, the chefs are cooking at delmonico's. fabio points out that, "[emeril] has all kinds of tools...ovens, stoves..." fabio is amazing. the chefs are cooking for a masquerade ball and have to make 2 dishes (one creole) and a cocktail. if jeff doesn't win - he's out for sure along with one other. if he does win - 2 of the others are out. there is much discussion (bordering on red herring-ing) about roux. once again, hosea and the finn are pitted against one another. chests are puffed, units are measured and compared...etc. etc...the finn is laissez-faire about the whole thing...much attention is paid to his frequent smoke breaks, and it just becomes painfully clear that he'll be in the bottom because of his attitude.

so clarla wins, hosea is second, chase-alike is sent back to his medical career and the euros are in the bottom together. and i have another revelation (it's 11:05 at this point, but it's never too late for revelation.) the euros represent 2 distinct factions of the old world. on the one hand - we have the finn (who - btw, was raised in germany) on the other, we have the italian.

fabio represents soul, and the finn represents execution (minor pun intended - he would pull a switch, i have no doubt.) rob and i debated which (soul or execution) was more valuable. we agreed that in music - it's soul, but in cooking - you've got to give the edge to execution. as much of an asshole as the finn has shown himself to be - he's plainly a more consistent chef. and so we bid a fond farewell to fabio, who (no doubt) will get his own show...hopefully it will be called, "empty clamshell of love" and are on to the FINNale. i am hopeful urkel will beat down the testosterone twins, but think i may actually like hosea even less than the dreaded finn.

after next week, i'll actually have to think of something real to write about. suggestions welcome.

the fall of top scallop!

so i'm just going to get this out of the way - i predicted tats mcgee would take the whole enchilada, and, clearly, i was wrong. i accept defeat gracefully - which (no surprise) is more than i can really say for tats herself. but we'll get to that later.

last night was the much-anticipated (by me) eric ripert challenge. i confess, i have not eaten ripert's food. and i often think of him as a thicker, greyer, french version of bourdain. (they really look a lot alike, right?!) rob can't look him...it's the nose, and this from a guy who is often fascinated with noses. i don't mind the nose, but really what i love about ripert is his accent. it's better than french...it's fluffy and french. you have to hear him say "tony" sometime. it will truly break your heart.

so ripert...he's french, and he's known for seafood. the quickfire was great - a true test of chefly ability. the chefs had to break fish in a progressive challenge - the bottom two in each round being disqualified, and the top 4, then 2 continuing. the first fish was sardine - arguably harder than the second fish, arctic char. final fish was eel (eek!) i thought this was a great challenge - i would have been screwed...! carla and tats were out after the first round - mangled the sardines, as i would have. leah gave up during the char round. she bugs...whiny and defensive. italian lost it that round too, so the final 2 were hosea and the finn. naturally the finn won. he's clearly the one to beat...i might like to beat him (literally) with the eel, but whatever - good challenge, and his fish was beautiful.

so they then get to have lunch at le bernardin, and there are 6 chefs and 6 courses, so it's pretty obvious the challenge is going to be to recreate one of the dishes. because stefan won the quickfire, he gets to pick the dish he's making. everyone else draws knives. i won't go into each dish, but top 3 were carla (go DC!) the italian and the finn. oh finn...he won, and gets to stage with ripert in 3 restaurants - an absolutely top-notch prize.

bottom 3 were hosea, leah and tats. tats was ultimately sent home for over-salted braised celery, and kind of missing on the sauce. she was (typically) really annoying about it...she wasn't inspired, she didn't like the dish, she's bored by ripert's food (!!) she should have been booted for attitude alone. but i hated the editing just before she was eliminated. the judges sat at the table, and were kind of debating who (tats or leah) should go. the question posed - which was allegedly the determining factor was - is it better to know your mistakes and why you made them (tats) or to have no idea what you were doing? (leah) obviously there were other factors - or they threw that question in to make tat's inevitable ouster seem like a twist - but the fact of the matter is, that's a pretty key question, and i defy anyone to pick leah over tats in that scenario. i thought, btw that tats was my least favorite - until the very end when i turned to rob and said, "oooh, i hope it's leah!!" now i get to root either for carla or the italian to beat the finn. top finn?

file under: are you kidding?

watching tennis late on saturday night, i saw an ad for this vital piece of technology. are we chipping our children, now? maybe you should just put down the crackberry at the park, m'kay?

and naturally, there's more.
we have gone horribly wrong as a country, when susie and mike in denver really believe their kids need this.

of course, there are children in this world who could seriously benefit from this kind of protection. unfortunately, they have other problems.

top chef and top disgusting

i'll get to the recap momentarily, but first i feel the need to share yet another spoke on the wheel of the apocalypse. convenience products are nothing new, and surely it will get worse before it gets better, but these 2 are the ones currently feasting on my tender soul:

first, i give you batter blaster aka - waffles (and pancakes!) in a can. just shake and spray...it's spray cheese for the carbohydrate set.

the site is totally worth checking out - not least of all for the video demo, but maybe best of all - you can download a batter blaster ringtone! do check out the "press" section for lots of "i was initially skeptical, but then i tried it" commentary, and to read the full text of a SF Chronicle interview with the founder. not that you need to. the best quote is here, talking about his now wife when they were dating: "She loves waffles," O'Connor said. "And when we started dating, it was like 'Oh yeah, baby, I'll make you waffles.' That's what got me back into mixing the batter." i find that entire quote deeply, deeply dirty. and it makes me so tired to think that this completely useless product will succeed because a) it's organic and b) the packaging is "environmentally sound"

can i just mention that A BOWL is even more environmentally sound?

and speaking of pesky bowls...the second comes from the fine folks at betty crocker. it's bisquick, but in a plastic jug. you just add water and shake! it's so easy, i want to cut myself. you can see a photo of the product on the homepage linked in a sec. note how very much it looks like laundry soap. it's worth a visit to the bisquick site if only to click on the link for "emergency meals." weirdly, a bunch of people wrote into the bisquick site to tell the makers of bisquick that their "emergency" meal of choice is...pancakes. go fucking figure.

why do people take the time to do this? don't they see that they're just doing for free (providing content) what other people get paid to do? and guess what? "user generated content" is shit content. not that i'm particularly likely to hang out on the bisquick site, but if i did, and happened to click on "emergency meals" i kind of expect to see some mcgyver shit. you know, like, in an actual emergency - bisquick can be baked on rocks in the hot sun and eaten as crackers...or even something as simple as, out of flour? no worries, you can make a cake if you just substitute bisquick and don't add baking powder. something useful. but no. because god forbid you should actually *cook* with an edible product....wouldn't want you getting any crazy ideas and causing a run on bowls at target. the content is moronic. and because it's free for them, the fine folks at betty crocker aren't complaining. and because bus people love to have their photos on the internets, regardless of how stupid it makes them look, we get pancakes. ok

and now onto TC

is it just me, or does this show get more predictable every week? this week, they were back to hawking corporate sponsorship - the quickfire was the "quaker oats challenge" in which each chef had to make something with oats. birdy carla loves the oats (no surprise there). she made tofu and some kind of oat and lentil salad. looked ok. all of the other contestants except the finn used the oats to crust something and then fried it - kind of eliminating any potential health benefits from the whole grain, but what does quaker care? they mentioned quaker oats 20 times...mission accomplished. arrgh!

the winner was the finn - who made...banana mousse parfait, i think? it looked like pap to me. made some ugly little oat cookie and some oat brittle. has he made banana mousse before? it seemed oddly familiar. anyway - the days of immunity have gone, and so his prize was first pick in the main challenge.

in honor of the super bowl, the main challenge was TC5 vs the "all stars" from past seasons. note the quotes, because clearly, TC is taking some liberties with the phrase "all stars." there were no winners, or even place-ers or show-ers in this challenge. we got spike and crazy andrew and the vegetarian and josie and chunk and a couple other chicks. padma was dressed, as she often is, in a slightly porny version of the theme. in honor of football, she looked like a naughty referee. rob said he thought she might have gotten a second job at foot locker. i noted that leather pants were not de rigueur last time i was at FL, though it has been a while. as the winner of the quickfire, the finn got to select which region he would cook, and which "all star" to compete against. he picked the vegetarian, andrea (who isn't even a vegetarian) and chose texas, because, i guess, it's meaty and he thought he could cream the vegetarian. (foreshadowing...)

the rest of the chefs all decided as a team what region they would each cook from, and then faced off against the corresponding "all stars." so...tats mcgee took san francisco (of course), chase-alike took miami (duh), carla took new orleans, hosea (who is realllly starting to bug me, by the way. he said something was ironic when it wasn't and just looks like a dumb-ass more and more frequently) took seattle, leah took NY, and the poor italian got stuck with green bay. judging was split between the judges and audience (culinary students?) weighted toward the judges...though, oddly, if the judges were split, the audience determined all the points - which actually seemed a little weird. i don't know why they didn't keep the points separate - but anyway - this is nitpicking. most of the dishes seemed fine - if boring. tats made cioppino - with crab only - and whoever she competed against made something that looked gross. carla made gumbo with the whitest roux i have ever seen, and then bizarrely served it over polenta, but the judges liked it. hosea and leah both got some points. bottom 3 were the finn, the poor italian and chase-alike. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

then the italian said something else about monkey-ass and added fried bananas, which made me wonder from where in italy, exactly, he hails. i liked the shout-out to bananas, but it lost something in the translation. he overcooked some venison and shredded some cheddar cheese (!!!!) onto a green salad, whereupon it immediately wilted and sweated and looked like something you'd get at an olive garden in green bay. the finn's dish was apparently not as bold as andrea's, so while it wasn't actively objectionable, it wasn't good enough to win (subtext - finn clearly safe) and then chase-alike made ceviche with his usual 86,000 components. he went up against...josie who made "hot ceviche" which sounds, frankly, repellent. it also looked awful, but she got all possible points, leading me to one possible conclusion - which is that chase-alike is a terrible terrible cook who works at a place that sounds like a sex toy. seriously - we're like 15 weeks in, and every time i see "dilido beach club" i omit a letter and get a little start. judges table was bad for both chase-alike and the italian, but the italian was spared (because he's funny). i will say that both guys handled it well - the italian seemed genuinely grateful to get another chance (i give him 1-2 weeks tops) and chase-alike took the responsibility for his loss upon himself rather than blaming anyone else.

but overall - zzzzzzzz.

NO

no
no
no

this has gone too far. i was reading a posting on FB by the lovely and talented chef shannon herman, which linked to the LA Times blog. the blog posting touts bacon as the new outre ingredient for desserts. i've had bacon candy, i've had bacon ice cream and i've had bacon truffles. they're ok. i get it. smoky, salty and sweet. i'm unlikely to be convinced that there's a better iteration of that combo than plain old maple syrup and bacon. but whatever. there are only so many ingredients out there, and chefs and cooks need to mash them up and create new trends, whether i like them or not. though, for the record, please keep your bacon out of my martini. a little further into the blog, i saw a related post listing 1,001 things to do with bacon. so i started scrolling through. i only made it to 19...whereupon i saw something so unholy, so completely wrong, it inspired this posting.

just typing this makes me want to throw up. see what i go through for you? ok, it's a cheeseburger, with a fried egg, and bacon, sandwiched between 2 krispy kreme glazed doughnuts. i'm not making this up. how sick and wrong can you get? first of all, and i know this trend has it's fans, but as much as i adore bacon with eggs, and bacon with cheeseburgers, i think the fried-egg-on-burger is gilding the lily a bit. secondly, KK doughnuts are just too soft and sweet for my taste to begin with. they're like warm frosted wonder bread o's. i can very clearly imagine the sugary, greasy, sludgy, wet paste those doughnuts (and the intrepid fingers holding them) would become. and now, you...you minion of satan, you want to go ahead and put them all together? pass the nitroglycerin.

you can see one particularly unappetizing photo of the monstrosity on the LA Times site. Paula Deen, of food network fame made a version she calls, the "ladies brunch burger." since it was prepared by food stylists, it's much more attractive than the LA Times version. but it's still gross. see it here.

there should be a law that if you eat one of those things, you pay out of pocket for your (inevitable) bypass surgery. my premiums do not need to reflect your callous disregard for burgers, bacon, eggs and your heart.

can i light your...candle?

oh, restaurant wars...the much-anticipated TC episode in which the top 2 quickfire winners get to be the chef-owners of a (non-existent) restaurant for an evening. tats mcgee basically called the episode within the first 15 seconds when she said that the chef of the losing restaurant almost always goes home. she's right. so, frankly, the smart bet would have been to blow the quickfire, or to do what tats did - something fine, but not exciting. after a pretty uninspired 30 minutes, the winners were leah and radhika. given the foreshadowing, it seemed pretty clear that one of them would be going down.

since TC seems to have degenerated into a Rock of Love facsimile, i was a little concerned that "going down" might be more literal than figurative. my fears were at least partially confirmed, as the initial drama was not on the plate, but rather on the divan, where leah and hosea made out on camera. they both awoke chagrined, (one hopes at least not entirely because they were on film) and the ensuing chatter and editing made them both appear unusually distracted and unfocused on the task at hand. for the novice viewer, this might have seemed to be still more foreshadowing, implying leah's (long anticipated and well-deserved) ouster. but not so...experienced viewers glancing at the clock noted that it was nearly halfway through the episode...long past the moment of foreshadow and well into the epoch of red herring. the rest of the prep showed a happy "team radhika," with good food and teamwork. despite a little awkwardness on her part, she and her team seemed confident and ready to meet the challenge. toast.

leah's team consisted of hosea (of course) and the euros. radhika chose first, and picked jaime, then carla, then jeff. she could have chosen the italian, but picked carla instead. bad move. no offense intended to the ostrich, but the italian was made to work the front - which is what he did for leah. none of radhika's team wanted to work in the front, so she took it upon herself to do it, rather than delegating (get chase-alike out of the kitchen!!!). it was a bad move, and one, ultimately that would axe her. the food from her kitchen generally looked (and maybe tasted?) better, but she was a stressed-out hostess, and her FOH staff neglected key details (like resetting silver) that totally pissed colicchio off. rule #1 - do not piss that man off.

meanwhile over in leah's disjointed kitchen, the finn overcame a shit freezer and made great desserts, hosea cooked short ribs (wow) and the italian gets credit for the best bite of the night. granted, it was a sound bite and not a bite of food, but i won't quibble, since this show has less and less to do with food every week. in touting his FOH skill, he said ,"we could serve monkey ass in empty clam shells and win." he's also responsible for the title of this entry, which he said to a pair of ladies, making them laugh in a mixture of disbelief and embarrassment. his charm and the finn's desserts overcame leah's undercooked fish, and a generally less inspired menu, and they did win.

i felt a little bad for radhika...i bet she's a great cook. but she's a bad leader, and that's just never going to win. huge, haunted eyes and great legs can take a girl far, but not to the finale.