fear and freedom

i send out these emails at work to a mailing list. since i've decided to quit, i've gotten more and more brazen about editorializing them. i've been sending them out for years and almost never got a comment. in the last year, i've started having a little fun with them and started noticing that each time i send them out, i get new subscribers. i've been stopped in the cafeteria by the CEO, and sent emails by a couple of SVPs who tell me how much they love them. today i got so many positive comments, i'm regretting not being even ballsier. it's amazing how liberating it is not to worry about job security, and ironic that cattiness is universally entertaining.

yesterday i was in the elevator with someone i used to work more closely with - back when i was a secretary. as she chatted and pretended to listen, i realized how angry i am with her. she used to invite me to parties, and we'd go out for drinks every now and then. once i changed jobs and never heard from her again, i realized she'd pretended to be my friend when it suited her, and once i no longer had the ear of someone in power, she dropped me like an old shoe. there's really nothing like changing jobs from powerful to scrub to find out who your friends are. oddly, it really had nothing to do with level - some VPs still treat me like a human and some were all too eager to talk shit about me the minute i changed jobs. it's just kind of disappointing to find that someone you thought liked you - who you liked - and who was more or less a peer - was just using you to get in with your boss. she totally played me. i'm really looking forward to a change of pace. that pace will undoubtedly be hot, dangerous and stressful. sounds terrific. at least it's real. i can't get beyond the feeling that nothing i do at work matters at all. i'm terrified to leave, and as the end approaches, i like my boss better, don't feel as bothered by the work, and generally find myself painting a rosier portrait than it deserves. it's good that everyone knows i'm leaving and i've been training a replacement. no turning back...