apocalypto

ok lauren - this one's for you...

so i realize that this exposes as much if not more about me and how i spend my time than it does about the subject matter - but i give you (at least) 2 reasons why we deserve whatever armageddish, apocaclysmic, phanspastigorical fate 2012, (or its agent(s), LLC) drops upon us.

Making dinner last night and listening to NPR like a good little liberal, I heard a story about pitchmen...Billy Mays (rip) and the rise of the cheap, crappy products. It seems that a down economy leads to more ad times going at a cut rate. Introducing...the sluggie, the scatchop, etc.

Later, as I was watching TV, (it's Armageddon week on Discovery!) I saw an ad for "the brownie saviour" or somesuch. my mother in law got one of these for Christmas from a friend, and i really hope she enjoys it. i can't believe i've been without one for so long. apparently the bake sales of my youth were littered with jagged, lumpen turds we passed off as brownies! it's a wonder we ever sent little timmy to camp. luckily, we now have the brownie saviour. it seems that we need a tool to cut brownies into perfect rectangles for us. i thought i had one of those. i call it a knife. but in a moment of tv super nova - i saw the brownie saviour jump its own shark - right in the middle of "apocalypse island" (real show)...when i saw the ad for the big top cupcake. that's right. sit down, brownie. there's a new confectionary tool in town. and what could a nation of morbidly obese possibly need more than a ginormous caricature of pastry?

one you can fill with pudding.

by the way, the link goes to an "as seen on tv" website - in itself blog fodder - because while that site is delightfully snarky (read the blurb), the people posting comments are all too earnest.

is that? i think it's...horses...?

so after the discovery channel show, i ended up on MTV. this very rarely happens, which is the only explanation for why it has taken so long for me to bring you - "jersey shore."

for the uninitiated, "js" is a terrifyingly low-budget love child of the real housewives and the real world - or really - as rob put it absolutely best, "it's like a whole show of that website with the douchebags." (btw - i re-found that site by googling, "tanned mullet jersey boys." second link. thank you, master google. suck it, bing. seriously - why do we need you?

so i think the premise (a la RW) is that 7 or 8 of south jersey's most haggard head down the shore for the summer to see how much penicillin a body can process in 2 months. they share a fairly ish house - it's ok, but plainly, not a real world-style remodel...there's a substantial amount of carpet. at least, for now. i have no doubt the landlord has been forced by the county to tear it up since the show aired.

now, i have no idea how old these people are...intellectually, i know they can't be older than 25, but it didn't stop me from applying a thicker layer of face cream than usual before bed. all of the characters have "other names" (yes, in quotes) most of which make no sense. like jen, is "jwoww" - unless they mean it like, "hey isn't that the girl we went to middle school with? you know, j---woww...no yikes, that must be her grandmother." but i don't think that's how they mean it. i really don't. there's another guy named mike, but next to his name it always says, "the situation." wtf does that mean? don't get me wrong, i enjoy doing a little mike tyson voice in my head every time i see it, but, again - i really don't think that's the point.

so in the episode i watched, "snooki" (who looks like what might have happened if elvira and christina aguilera had a really ugly baby together), gets punched in the face by a stranger (a relatively normal - if admittedly rotten guy) after she shoves a massive fake nail in his face and unleashes a stream of invective..wha?? he was taking her shots!! nobody messes with "wookie!!!" especially not at the beachcomber on shot night! oh - and then "the situation" was totally trying to "creep" (their word. and it means exactly what you think it does) on some random girl. and that just really pissed off jwoww and ronnie (no quotes...they can't fit on the screen with his massively steroided body) because, like, it's kind of in poor taste...and what about "snoggie?" it was like "the situation" didn't care about her at all! and she's a really sweet girl.

i wish i could make this up - but i am beginning to think that in 2012, we're all going to have seen one (too many) "js" episode and throw ourselves upon the mercy of the mayan sun god.

do you think he might like a giant cupcake?

in praise...

i know. i'm the worst blogger ever. how can i complain that no one ever reads my blog, when can't even be counted on to write once a quarter? alas - one of my many charming imperfections. even more unusual than being moved to write, is that what compels me today is not a rant against 4th meal, or a rotating cheeseburger log at 7-11, or even the jaw-dropping horror that is "mail order bride" on NatGeo...(seriously - don't get me started on that.) today, i have little or no snark at all. i just want to praise something absolutely delicious.

Spring Hill is in our neighborhood. it's been good from the outset, but has gotten better and better. chef fuller and his kitchen staff cook with care, creativity, love and attention, and quite simply - it shows. it would be one thing to praise brunch - even a good one, but i am much too lazy to do that. i'm compelled to write because the dish i'm obsessed with is such a totally improbable one for me.

my friend allison and i went in for brunch a few months ago. rob and i had been, and i was excited for her to try the dish i loved - sauteed mushrooms, toast and their amazing eggs. spring hill water-bath-poaches their eggs which yields an amazing, tender texture all the way through. we ordered like 12 other things, and she was most excited about a quinoa waffle with chicken nuggets and sausage gravy. i smiled politely.

i don't have anything against fried chicken and waffles as a concept. salty, sweet, crisp, etc...i get it. and in the spirit of full disclosure - i will confess, i've never actually had them - together. but i'm leery of waffles. they're rarely crisp enough. i like fried chicken, but it's heavy. and - come on - it's finger food. waffles are fork food. i'm just not sure i get it.

spring hill likes to tweak things - enough to be inventive, not so much that you lose the essence of the original. when allison and i had it, i thought - i don't love this - but rob might. we ate it last - after the 12 other things, and it got cold. nuggets should not be cold. (oh - did i mention that the nuggets are like commercial chicken nuggets - but homemade?...the hash browns are like that too - they look like they could come in a paper sleeve, but they're fresh and real and really good.) it's kind of precious - in a good way.

in any case - of course i agreed to have the waffle, but to me, breakfast means eggs and potatoes, everything else is subject to negotiation and swappery. and the very thought of sausage gravy is kind of repellent to me. it's very unattractive...let's be honest. it looks much more like something that is unexpectedly evacuated from the body than something one electively ingests. in any event, i tried a teeny tiny bit of the sausage gravy and while i was glad i'd tried it - i didn't feel the need to repeat the experiment. but that waffle...even cool...i couldn't keep away from it. the quinoa gave it more crunch than usual and there's thyme in the batter...a nice hit of savory to offset the sweet.

rob and i finally went back a few weeks ago and i ordered my eggs and mushrooms and he ordered the chicken and waffles. this time, it did not get cold. my egg dish, which is still really, really good, just paled in comparison. the waffle was every bit as good as i remembered it being...maybe better. nuggets, when eaten hot, are amazing, and i have to admit - in this very particular application - when prepared by people i trust - and in small dips - i like the gravy.

a brunch without eggs and with sausage gravy - who would have believed?

eat it.

tc two-fer!

i was out last wednesday night and never found the re-broadcasts of tc. it was a very "real housewives" week on bravo. so last night i had myself a double shot of tc.

the last challenge in NY determined which of the remaining 5 would make it to the final four in new orleans. wylie dufresne came in to judge the quick fire. since wylie is known for being one of the US pioneers of molecular gastronomy, that had to play into the challenge. additionally, the contestants had to frame their dishes around eggs. most of them did cool looking stuff...but, imo, the finn's custard with mango puree looked the coolest and the tastiest. the custard mimicked an egg white (though, cleverly, it contained yolks), and the suspended puree within (which had egg whites in it) oozed like a yolk once broken. btw - he didn't call that a panna cotta, did he? he better not have... carla did a green eggs and ham inspired dish, which won. she was the only contestant to do just one thing, and it was clear that her focus paid off.

the elimination was very impressive - prepare the "last meal" request for 5 famous chefs. the knife draw (which determined who cooked for whom) seemed staged...fabio drew lydia bastianich (an italian) the finn drew marcus sammuelson (a swede) hosea drew susan ungaro (he wants to be famous - she makes people famous) carla drew jacques pepin (she's a classic french cook - he's french) and leah drew wylie dufresne. i missed most of what she said, but i got the sense that she thinks their styles are compatible. whatever - leah had to get someone. i suppose.

the last meal requests were all very classic, and the chefs were left to figure out whether or not they should put their own spin on things, or whether they should keep the meal classic. and i wrestled with this too. every time they get a challenge, they're told to show the judges who they are as chefs. but, if it's really your last meal - do you really want your palette or your assumptions challenged? do you want to be wowed? or do you want to be comforted? i think chefs - for sure - want to be comforted.

leah made eggs benedict, hosea had scampi and tomatoes provencal, fabio had roast chicken & potatoes with a green salad, the finn had roasted salmon and spinach, and carla had squab and peas. somehow, fabio broke his finger in the kitchen. it was a little peculiar that they never really explained how or what happened, but he can always be relied upon for some great quotes. when asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, he said of his finger, "i'll chop it off and sear it on the flat top so it doesn't hurt anymore and then tomorrow i'll deal with having 9 fingers." and then he said something about boots in his ass and his need to extract them that, frankly, i did not want to understand then, and still don't. just before judges table, tom came into the kitchen and said - "lot of important people out here - don't fuck this up and make me look bad." thanks, tom! way to inspire.

the guests all sat on one side of the table - a kind of amusing homage to the last supper... first up was leah, who (foreshadowing) thinned her hollandaise just before service. judges agree - thin hollandaise, eggs maybe a little underdone. i wrote "c+ effort" next was the finn - who way overcooked the salmon. he added a dill sauce and said something about spinach 2 ways (creamed and sauteed) but the judges seemed confused. finn very cocky - as usual - but it was clear he was in the bottom. hosea next - i thought his plate looked very banquet-y. judges liked it, but thought it traded looks for flavor a little. fabio (who hacked that poor chicken up with a cleaver) despite his injury, cooked a great roast chicken. classic, well-seasoned, etc. judges loved it. carla was last, and while there was a little disagreement about the doneness of the squab, everyone loved the peas, and jacques - perhaps the most adorable man alive said, "zee peez are absolutely scrumptious. i could die happy wiz zat." holy shit. and i started to wonder if i could call carla the dark horse of the competition without irony. i decided i could not, but also decided i was ok with the irony. so fabio wins, and despite the fact that the finn's dish was probably the worst, leah gets the axe, because, let's face it - she was the weakest chef. and i hate her. and she's whiny and annoying. and no one is sorry to see her go. in fact, you can see hosea is relieved, even though he says some nonsense about "having someone else to win for." he sucks.

the finale...(part one)

so the chefs all head to NOLA, for the finale. they meet at the airport. carla looks awesome - her hair is straight and fierce. the same can not be said for fabio, who has ill-advisedly gone 1989 billy ray cyrus without the tail. guys, if you have curly hair, you may *not* faux hawk. the finn looks curiously bloated and hosea looks as dumb as thick as ever. the chefs head to some outdoor place for the quick fire, and i turn to rob and say, now they'll bring back eliminated contestants somehow. sure enough - the quick fire pits 3 eliminated contestants against each other to see who will join the top 4 for the elimination challenge, which will knock them down to 3. (math is confusing - but it will all become clear soon enough.) the 3 competitors are jeff, tats (!!) and leah. hosea is clearly dismayed to see leah, (as am i) and i've got to confess - i have a glimmer of hope that my day one prediction would be resurrected. i wrote, "if jamie is back - I AM A GENIUS!" but alas, emeril did not get my memo, and picks chase-alike to go back into the fray. the chefs then go to delmonico's for dinner whereupon i have a revelation.

seated next to one another are hosea and the finn. they look alike (esp. now that the finn has expanded). they are dressed alike, and they are equally annoying, but in different ways. they all like a fish dish, and hosea is quick to claim that it's very regional. the finn dismisses him, and says it's very classically french. (cut to shot of hosea clenching his jaw) i decide that the finn represents the old world, and hosea the new world. the finn is arrogance, and hosea is lack of confidence (clumsily and beefily masked with bravado). i wrote, "i am irked that hosea is so annoying, he makes me root for the finn. i hate the finn!" whatever - it was 10:30.

so for the elimination challenge, the chefs are cooking at delmonico's. fabio points out that, "[emeril] has all kinds of tools...ovens, stoves..." fabio is amazing. the chefs are cooking for a masquerade ball and have to make 2 dishes (one creole) and a cocktail. if jeff doesn't win - he's out for sure along with one other. if he does win - 2 of the others are out. there is much discussion (bordering on red herring-ing) about roux. once again, hosea and the finn are pitted against one another. chests are puffed, units are measured and compared...etc. etc...the finn is laissez-faire about the whole thing...much attention is paid to his frequent smoke breaks, and it just becomes painfully clear that he'll be in the bottom because of his attitude.

so clarla wins, hosea is second, chase-alike is sent back to his medical career and the euros are in the bottom together. and i have another revelation (it's 11:05 at this point, but it's never too late for revelation.) the euros represent 2 distinct factions of the old world. on the one hand - we have the finn (who - btw, was raised in germany) on the other, we have the italian.

fabio represents soul, and the finn represents execution (minor pun intended - he would pull a switch, i have no doubt.) rob and i debated which (soul or execution) was more valuable. we agreed that in music - it's soul, but in cooking - you've got to give the edge to execution. as much of an asshole as the finn has shown himself to be - he's plainly a more consistent chef. and so we bid a fond farewell to fabio, who (no doubt) will get his own show...hopefully it will be called, "empty clamshell of love" and are on to the FINNale. i am hopeful urkel will beat down the testosterone twins, but think i may actually like hosea even less than the dreaded finn.

after next week, i'll actually have to think of something real to write about. suggestions welcome.

the fall of top scallop!

so i'm just going to get this out of the way - i predicted tats mcgee would take the whole enchilada, and, clearly, i was wrong. i accept defeat gracefully - which (no surprise) is more than i can really say for tats herself. but we'll get to that later.

last night was the much-anticipated (by me) eric ripert challenge. i confess, i have not eaten ripert's food. and i often think of him as a thicker, greyer, french version of bourdain. (they really look a lot alike, right?!) rob can't look him...it's the nose, and this from a guy who is often fascinated with noses. i don't mind the nose, but really what i love about ripert is his accent. it's better than french...it's fluffy and french. you have to hear him say "tony" sometime. it will truly break your heart.

so ripert...he's french, and he's known for seafood. the quickfire was great - a true test of chefly ability. the chefs had to break fish in a progressive challenge - the bottom two in each round being disqualified, and the top 4, then 2 continuing. the first fish was sardine - arguably harder than the second fish, arctic char. final fish was eel (eek!) i thought this was a great challenge - i would have been screwed...! carla and tats were out after the first round - mangled the sardines, as i would have. leah gave up during the char round. she bugs...whiny and defensive. italian lost it that round too, so the final 2 were hosea and the finn. naturally the finn won. he's clearly the one to beat...i might like to beat him (literally) with the eel, but whatever - good challenge, and his fish was beautiful.

so they then get to have lunch at le bernardin, and there are 6 chefs and 6 courses, so it's pretty obvious the challenge is going to be to recreate one of the dishes. because stefan won the quickfire, he gets to pick the dish he's making. everyone else draws knives. i won't go into each dish, but top 3 were carla (go DC!) the italian and the finn. oh finn...he won, and gets to stage with ripert in 3 restaurants - an absolutely top-notch prize.

bottom 3 were hosea, leah and tats. tats was ultimately sent home for over-salted braised celery, and kind of missing on the sauce. she was (typically) really annoying about it...she wasn't inspired, she didn't like the dish, she's bored by ripert's food (!!) she should have been booted for attitude alone. but i hated the editing just before she was eliminated. the judges sat at the table, and were kind of debating who (tats or leah) should go. the question posed - which was allegedly the determining factor was - is it better to know your mistakes and why you made them (tats) or to have no idea what you were doing? (leah) obviously there were other factors - or they threw that question in to make tat's inevitable ouster seem like a twist - but the fact of the matter is, that's a pretty key question, and i defy anyone to pick leah over tats in that scenario. i thought, btw that tats was my least favorite - until the very end when i turned to rob and said, "oooh, i hope it's leah!!" now i get to root either for carla or the italian to beat the finn. top finn?

file under: are you kidding?

watching tennis late on saturday night, i saw an ad for this vital piece of technology. are we chipping our children, now? maybe you should just put down the crackberry at the park, m'kay?

and naturally, there's more.
we have gone horribly wrong as a country, when susie and mike in denver really believe their kids need this.

of course, there are children in this world who could seriously benefit from this kind of protection. unfortunately, they have other problems.

top chef and top disgusting

i'll get to the recap momentarily, but first i feel the need to share yet another spoke on the wheel of the apocalypse. convenience products are nothing new, and surely it will get worse before it gets better, but these 2 are the ones currently feasting on my tender soul:

first, i give you batter blaster aka - waffles (and pancakes!) in a can. just shake and spray...it's spray cheese for the carbohydrate set.

the site is totally worth checking out - not least of all for the video demo, but maybe best of all - you can download a batter blaster ringtone! do check out the "press" section for lots of "i was initially skeptical, but then i tried it" commentary, and to read the full text of a SF Chronicle interview with the founder. not that you need to. the best quote is here, talking about his now wife when they were dating: "She loves waffles," O'Connor said. "And when we started dating, it was like 'Oh yeah, baby, I'll make you waffles.' That's what got me back into mixing the batter." i find that entire quote deeply, deeply dirty. and it makes me so tired to think that this completely useless product will succeed because a) it's organic and b) the packaging is "environmentally sound"

can i just mention that A BOWL is even more environmentally sound?

and speaking of pesky bowls...the second comes from the fine folks at betty crocker. it's bisquick, but in a plastic jug. you just add water and shake! it's so easy, i want to cut myself. you can see a photo of the product on the homepage linked in a sec. note how very much it looks like laundry soap. it's worth a visit to the bisquick site if only to click on the link for "emergency meals." weirdly, a bunch of people wrote into the bisquick site to tell the makers of bisquick that their "emergency" meal of choice is...pancakes. go fucking figure.

why do people take the time to do this? don't they see that they're just doing for free (providing content) what other people get paid to do? and guess what? "user generated content" is shit content. not that i'm particularly likely to hang out on the bisquick site, but if i did, and happened to click on "emergency meals" i kind of expect to see some mcgyver shit. you know, like, in an actual emergency - bisquick can be baked on rocks in the hot sun and eaten as crackers...or even something as simple as, out of flour? no worries, you can make a cake if you just substitute bisquick and don't add baking powder. something useful. but no. because god forbid you should actually *cook* with an edible product....wouldn't want you getting any crazy ideas and causing a run on bowls at target. the content is moronic. and because it's free for them, the fine folks at betty crocker aren't complaining. and because bus people love to have their photos on the internets, regardless of how stupid it makes them look, we get pancakes. ok

and now onto TC

is it just me, or does this show get more predictable every week? this week, they were back to hawking corporate sponsorship - the quickfire was the "quaker oats challenge" in which each chef had to make something with oats. birdy carla loves the oats (no surprise there). she made tofu and some kind of oat and lentil salad. looked ok. all of the other contestants except the finn used the oats to crust something and then fried it - kind of eliminating any potential health benefits from the whole grain, but what does quaker care? they mentioned quaker oats 20 times...mission accomplished. arrgh!

the winner was the finn - who made...banana mousse parfait, i think? it looked like pap to me. made some ugly little oat cookie and some oat brittle. has he made banana mousse before? it seemed oddly familiar. anyway - the days of immunity have gone, and so his prize was first pick in the main challenge.

in honor of the super bowl, the main challenge was TC5 vs the "all stars" from past seasons. note the quotes, because clearly, TC is taking some liberties with the phrase "all stars." there were no winners, or even place-ers or show-ers in this challenge. we got spike and crazy andrew and the vegetarian and josie and chunk and a couple other chicks. padma was dressed, as she often is, in a slightly porny version of the theme. in honor of football, she looked like a naughty referee. rob said he thought she might have gotten a second job at foot locker. i noted that leather pants were not de rigueur last time i was at FL, though it has been a while. as the winner of the quickfire, the finn got to select which region he would cook, and which "all star" to compete against. he picked the vegetarian, andrea (who isn't even a vegetarian) and chose texas, because, i guess, it's meaty and he thought he could cream the vegetarian. (foreshadowing...)

the rest of the chefs all decided as a team what region they would each cook from, and then faced off against the corresponding "all stars." so...tats mcgee took san francisco (of course), chase-alike took miami (duh), carla took new orleans, hosea (who is realllly starting to bug me, by the way. he said something was ironic when it wasn't and just looks like a dumb-ass more and more frequently) took seattle, leah took NY, and the poor italian got stuck with green bay. judging was split between the judges and audience (culinary students?) weighted toward the judges...though, oddly, if the judges were split, the audience determined all the points - which actually seemed a little weird. i don't know why they didn't keep the points separate - but anyway - this is nitpicking. most of the dishes seemed fine - if boring. tats made cioppino - with crab only - and whoever she competed against made something that looked gross. carla made gumbo with the whitest roux i have ever seen, and then bizarrely served it over polenta, but the judges liked it. hosea and leah both got some points. bottom 3 were the finn, the poor italian and chase-alike. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

then the italian said something else about monkey-ass and added fried bananas, which made me wonder from where in italy, exactly, he hails. i liked the shout-out to bananas, but it lost something in the translation. he overcooked some venison and shredded some cheddar cheese (!!!!) onto a green salad, whereupon it immediately wilted and sweated and looked like something you'd get at an olive garden in green bay. the finn's dish was apparently not as bold as andrea's, so while it wasn't actively objectionable, it wasn't good enough to win (subtext - finn clearly safe) and then chase-alike made ceviche with his usual 86,000 components. he went up against...josie who made "hot ceviche" which sounds, frankly, repellent. it also looked awful, but she got all possible points, leading me to one possible conclusion - which is that chase-alike is a terrible terrible cook who works at a place that sounds like a sex toy. seriously - we're like 15 weeks in, and every time i see "dilido beach club" i omit a letter and get a little start. judges table was bad for both chase-alike and the italian, but the italian was spared (because he's funny). i will say that both guys handled it well - the italian seemed genuinely grateful to get another chance (i give him 1-2 weeks tops) and chase-alike took the responsibility for his loss upon himself rather than blaming anyone else.

but overall - zzzzzzzz.