all fixed
rob and i were talking about me quitting this morning. he brought up a good point - when you're close to being done with something, it gets easier to do. the pressure comes off, you're more able to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment, or the relief or whatever.
it just seems so cruel that only at the end do we actually see things without that feeling of oppression. why can't i harness that feeling all the time? it's not as though the work product is really any different at the end...sometimes it's better. when i have a sinkful of dishes or a huge pile of laundry - i'm not sloppier with the last glass - i feel pleased that the sink is empty and i don't even think of resenting the glass or that i have to clean it. in fact, by the time i'm nearly done, i'm lingering. i'm lovingly making sock rolls or scouring the sink. it's pretty stupid. is it the mere thought of obligation, but not the job itself? maybe it's not a fair analogy, with real work it makes a little more sense. a job seems endless. one day bleeds into the next and you pathetically find yourself excited for the weekend like you're a character in a third-rate 80's song.
it's the samenss that's so crushing. but as i mentioned yesterday, i'm a little depressed to leave.
so where does that leave me besides, apparently, fated to misery? maybe i have a subconscious resistance to change. i always feel more warmly toward something i'm about to leave. i think it's because somehow i'm doubting that i'm doing the right thing. i think i'm looking for reassurance that i'm doing the wrong thing. that way i guess i have an out. i can give up and maintain the comfort of the status quo. that totally sucks. do i really secretly feel that unhappy sameness is better than risk - regardless of the potential outcome? good thing i locked my subconscious in the bathroom while i quit my job. when did i get so scared of being scared? is this something a poltergeist marathon can cure? maybe i should take a couple of blindfolded runs through a razor factory, or eat some raw chicken or... quit my safe corporate job and go to culinary school. hey, i'm doing that. super, i'm perfect now.
it just seems so cruel that only at the end do we actually see things without that feeling of oppression. why can't i harness that feeling all the time? it's not as though the work product is really any different at the end...sometimes it's better. when i have a sinkful of dishes or a huge pile of laundry - i'm not sloppier with the last glass - i feel pleased that the sink is empty and i don't even think of resenting the glass or that i have to clean it. in fact, by the time i'm nearly done, i'm lingering. i'm lovingly making sock rolls or scouring the sink. it's pretty stupid. is it the mere thought of obligation, but not the job itself? maybe it's not a fair analogy, with real work it makes a little more sense. a job seems endless. one day bleeds into the next and you pathetically find yourself excited for the weekend like you're a character in a third-rate 80's song.
it's the samenss that's so crushing. but as i mentioned yesterday, i'm a little depressed to leave.
so where does that leave me besides, apparently, fated to misery? maybe i have a subconscious resistance to change. i always feel more warmly toward something i'm about to leave. i think it's because somehow i'm doubting that i'm doing the right thing. i think i'm looking for reassurance that i'm doing the wrong thing. that way i guess i have an out. i can give up and maintain the comfort of the status quo. that totally sucks. do i really secretly feel that unhappy sameness is better than risk - regardless of the potential outcome? good thing i locked my subconscious in the bathroom while i quit my job. when did i get so scared of being scared? is this something a poltergeist marathon can cure? maybe i should take a couple of blindfolded runs through a razor factory, or eat some raw chicken or... quit my safe corporate job and go to culinary school. hey, i'm doing that. super, i'm perfect now.
posted by the pieces @ 12:23 PM
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