top chef new york...padma's return

rob finally admitted padma's hotness last night. he said he'd lick her scar. i just want her shoes, but different strokes, right? we watched the first 2 episodes of the new season last night, as i was at the restaurant last wednesday.

so, i feel strongly that the blond who works at absinthe is going to win. it can't be the finn, because he looks like a super-villain, and it can't be the italian, because...well, he's ridiculous. and was he trying to make time with the guest judge last night? 

the first episode was interesting in that they started with a field of 17. i can't wait until they start with 25, and eliminate 8 on the first day. i can just see whiny chefs flouncing around and muttering that tom and gail didn't even get to see what they were all about...a la flavor (or rock) of love. in any case, it didn't bode well that a lot of time was devoted to 2 fresh-faced kids who reunited on the ferry to governor's island. the military wife determined not to rot away in savannah and the apple-cheeked gay CIA student...what an unlikely, but adorable pair - i could hardly wait to see the hijinks that were sure to ensue... 

i liked the first quickfire, and i liked that it was progressive. it's a little appalling that any one of those chefs would be daunted by the idea of peeling apples with a knife. peelers are faster, but come on...it's not like you were asked to make a hot dog in 20 minutes. not this week, anyway. so the turtle-joey fattone love-child from LI (does he wear red jeans in the promo??? i couldn't get past the facial hair which looked oddly like band-aids had been involved) bitches about the knife, and has to got to the next round, which is - um, cutting. he does ok. i don't think tom looked at his cup too carefully, but whatever. he called a tall coltish girl out for messy cuts, so maybe turtle/fattone (turttone?) was spot-on. the 4 last placers were a dark-haired girl i can't remember, the indian girl, who made it very clear in her first interview that she didn't want to be pigeon-holed as indian, but then proceeded to make something indian-inspired. (i think she should cook what she knows - but just don't be a hypocrite, ok?) and the 2 freshies (uh-oh). indian and brunette were fine - it came down to the buds who both made - a salad. eerily, it was practically the *same* salad. the dish was supposed to be about apples - why toss oranges in there? it didn't make any sense to me. anyway - savanah was sent back to base. i felt a little sorry for her, but not very. 

the first real challenge was also good - split into teams of 2 - same budget, same pool of ingredients, and then - snap - face-off. i loved it. fresh-face decided to use an ingredient he's never used before. people, this is the reality tv show equivalent of "don't go down to the basement when it's raining on halloween and the lights are out but you can swear you hear a chainsaw."  it's one thing to be given a challenge to cook food you're unfamiliar with (though, seriously, mom - you live in NJ and you've never had middle eastern food before?? what does turttone cook at the carriage house? pot roast??) and it's another to be a complete freaking moron. rule number one when you're short on time and long on pressure - stick with what you know - or adapt something unfamiliar into something you do know.

in the end, i think the finn won. padma made this big speech about how the first winner has been the eventual winner in every season but one (so...3/4? 4/5? not exactly decades of history to work with here.) but he's not going to win. he's too arrogant. someone will say something negative about his food at some point, and he'll lose it, and piss tom off. i hoped the hawaiian with tons of tattoos, something to prove and the heart of gold would win, but no luck. the bottom 2 were mom and the apple-cheeked culinary student i called "sweetie boy." mom was there for undercooked farro (and excessive whining? maybe a dash of lazy?) and SB was there because the judges thought his food was boring and predictable. jean-george wanted more ginger and scallion (which wouldn't exactly have upped the creativity factor, but you are *not* going to catch me ragging on JGV. no sir). mom was safe, sweetie was sent back to the minors. 

last night, the quickfire was to make a hotdog. cool challenge, if very difficult to do in 30 minutes. tall, coltish leah used a regular hot dog, and talked incessantly to the poor indian girl who looked like she wanted to grind her up and add her to her (ahem, indian-inspired) kebab-dog. the guest judge is a NY restauranteur with whom i'm vaguely familiar, though her name escapes me. she seems to be as famous for being young and attractive as for her numerous restaurants. the most striking thing about her, however, were her facial expressions. she'd take a bite, and instantly get an, "i'm going to vomit" look on her face. apparently sometimes that's a good look, because despite her look of horror after tasting the kebab, the indian girl won. (i can't remember her name. i want to call her reykjavik, but that would be even more confusing. if she's still around in a couple of weeks i'll either learn it or give her another name. promise.) she hated the finn's sandwich which pleased me. i can't like the finn, and i enjoyed his pain at being called out. 

the main challenge was good again - cooking at craft for 50 new yorkers who didn't make it to the show. everyone either did an app, an entree or dessert. clear winners and losers were apparent right away, as is often the case. mom did something from the 80's, that she makes at her restaurant all the time - lemon meringue martini. everyone said it was sweet. she knew it was sweet but (again) seemed too lazy to redo it. wtf? tall coltish leah decided to do ostrich egg quiche for no good reason, and hosea bought crab in a can. again - wtf? winners - absinthe made corn soup - easy, appealing, clean. she said something simpering at judge's table about celebrating the season which made me throw up a little, but the soup looked good. the italian made carpaccio and added a high-tech twist of making olives back into olives by pureeing them and dropping the liquid into some sort of stabilizer which recreated a skin. cool. and i have to say, the best use of that kind of technology - it is exactly what it looks like - but with a twist. a nice change from marcel and wolverine and their penchant for overreaching. KISS.

so italian won (and maybe hit on the judge). coltish was sent packing, despite the fact that mom was on the chopping block for the second time, and padma spit out her 80's fantasy into her napkin. i'm thinking that guest judge (donatella something) had it in for coltish from the start. she really hated her hot dog. coltish didn't help herself with a very miss south carolina ("and the iraq") statement about why she should stay. how about, "well, i've certainly learned what not to do, and i will make sure i never make the same mistakes again." how hard is that? too hard for coltish apparently. so donatella broke her leg and and sent her out to pasture.