top yawn...a little better, but still a bit xanny
gail is getting married!!!!!!!!! who cares? sorry, but having your bridal shower be a challenge on the show you judge, where your boss sits right next to you feels a little less than personal. you'd think gail's friends would have enough money to throw her a proper shower, rather than relying on bravo swag. and the table was ugly. but wait - i'm getting ahead of myself. (and yes, i'm sure they did, but it still seems a little icky...a little kimora lee simmons...)
the quickfire was my absolute favorite kind - a palate test. i wasn't crazy about the "name that tune" format, but i do love a good palate test. ok, was everyone ridiculously conservative or what? "i can name 4 ingredients in a curry??" say what? or the bouillabaisse...which - even if you (cheffies) don't know what it is - you can make some pretty educated guesses. since they were accepting "salt" i would hope that all the chefs could have tried for 6 or 7. anyway, hosea won. as long as the finn never wins again, i think everyone will be pleased. does anyone else, by the way get a bit of a boris & natasha vibe from the finn and the blondie i think is going to win? i think her name is jamie, but that's such a mild and unobjectionable name, i don't like it for her. tatty-bo seems rude enough, though. and damn it, inspired! half a glass of bubbles and i'm on fire already! so the finn has it bad for tatty-bo and keeps wanting to kiss her...and she clearly enjoys the attention, though i have no doubt that she's not remotely interested in the finn. she likes ladies...and he's...the finn. anyway, she's sucking more and more as the competition progresses, and i am looking ever harder for someone else to root for, because - ok. wait - again ahead of myself...
the wedding shower challenge was well-crafted. i have to give credit to the TC staff - the challenges are all very interesting - no more dumpster diving or mini-mart challenges, which is great. i wonder if leanne from season...1? 2? is partly responsible for that. she's super slender now, btw - she looks terrific - check out the bravo page if you're into that borderline-creepy-voyeuristic kind of thing. she's smoking hot! ok - so 4 teams - old/new/borrowed/blue. great theme - so sorry for the blues...not awesome. hard to be creative. the team was italian (who might be winning me over) drag-looking (sorry honey, but...) and leah, the hot one who is going to have one cranky boyfriend right about now. she does have superb skin for a cook, though. lucky girl. but blue food...no actual food is blue (blueberries, as tom points out, are really purple, as is the blue cornmeal the blue team uses to crust their chilean sea bass.) and really? chilean sea bass? i don't understand how whole foods justifies selling it - it's on the monterrey bay list of endangered and not to be eaten, but i'm sure the fine folks at whole paycheck have found a loophole somewhere. as the judges point out, it is pretty hard to screw up CSB...it's impervious to drying out. *anyway* their food was sad. it did not look actively bad, but it was very very sad. no texture, a pool of watery corn puree, some green chard and the blue bass. old people food was the verdict from he ladies, and i can't argue. that's how it looked. so they were in the bottom, but not in danger. the italian was clearly the leader of that team, and i thought he behaved well. he was going to defend himself, and then kind of realized he should just shut it, and he did, and i respected that.
the other middle team was team old, consisting of hosea, the dreaded finn, and a guy who looks like chase from House. jeffrey maybe? he's very pretty, but he unnerves me. whenever the contestants (never, ever "cheftestants"...ever) are speaking alone to the camera - like in "private diary time" or whatever, they list the chef's name, the city and restaurant they work at and their position. chase-alike works in miami at the unfortunately named "DiLido beach club". and yes. i admit it. every single time i see it, i think, what??? who would name a restaurant after a sex toy? is the extra "i" really fooling anyone? i didn't think so. so team new might be a total train wreck, and i'm not going to lie - i was pretty excited about it. hosea had immunity, the finn is the finn and chase-alike has to be running from about 1000 ghosts all the time. the team with Something To Prove...they chose heirloom tomatoes (an ok choice, if not totally fab). they all feel compelled to do something different - a tomato tasting, which seems un-cohesive to me, and i'm frankly a little surprised the judges didn't ding them for it. the finn makes a terrine (which is smart, though the judges thought it was bland), hosea does something i cannot remember with a purple cherokee (tomato) and chase-alike makes a savory tomato sorbet - much to the snarling disapproval of the finn who knows better than you do. about everything. the finn is king. long live the finn. except...giggle, suck it, finn! the judges loved the sorbet - everyone at the shower loved the sorbet. dana cowin (guest judge, gail's boss and editor of food and wine) wanted to do terrible things with the sorbet and chase-alike at his place of business. so there. take that, finn.
it's so hard to know where to go next, and i think i'll do winner first because - why not? so the winning team was team borrowed. i think this would have been the most fun theme, because it's so abstract. it's not fucking blue, for example. (food to hang yourself by? pint of ice cream? ugh. the poor blues.) ok - so team borrowed was the milf, tatty-bo and the indian girl who's always worried the judges will pigeonhole her as an indian cook. what do you think they "borrowed?" surprise! her culture! poor indy. they made what was by far the best looking, most cohesive dish. it was a carrot and vadouvan puree, a lamb chop and some raita. it became clear right away that indy was paranoid (so why make the raita and the lamb marinade only? maybe kick it up a little, gf?) milfy cooked the lamb - momma knows her meat and tatty-bo made the puree. she also seems to be taking credit for the entire dish. never mind that indy is...um...indian. vadouvan is one of tatty-bo's special trick ingredients (it's an spice blend.) at judges table she (TB) leaned in to milfy and said "i really want this" and then expressed shock and frustration when milfy was honored with the top award. "everyone thought it was going to be me." (or some such horseshit) get over yourself sweetie. was what milfy did hard? no...it's not hard to french and sear 7 racks, slap on someone else's marinade and then stand there with a thermometer. but milfy is *not* going to win. ever ever ever. she does well in team challenges - she's on the block every time it's all her. relax TB...and stop being so...finnish. it's not all about you.
oh the losers. ok. the emu, the hawaiian and the fattone combo i've just taken to calling band-aids. you know why. team new. a bush-league cluster from the opening bell. carla (the emu) may have something to offer. i'm rooting for you, girl, but i wish you'd spend a little less time being a hall monitor (she always seems to be around or commenting on other people's sex lives) and a little more time looking out for your own birdie interests, m'kay? so the hawaiian has Shit to Prove and maybe he's overcome some serious odds and i'm all for that. i was totally rooting for the short-order denny's cook on the last kitchen nightmares. but dude. wtf were you thinking? birdie is mute and band-aids is...i have no words...(finally) wtf? they decide to do sushi - which, not super new, right?? and then they're going to cook it - because that's new...and then people have to make their own and then there's a salad and then band-aids is making peach bbq sauce and sneaking mushrooms into birdie's salad and (choo-choo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) joder. i like the hawaiian. i shouldn't. he's not showing great judgement, but he knows it...ish...a little late, but he's honest and honorable on a show that plays that shit up because so few of them are. since when has "it's a competition" given people license to lie and cheat and steal? amazing. so hawaiian is a good guy. but he screwed up the rice. and didn't want to waste it (i'm sorry, is the recession worse than i think??) and no one else on the team said, "dude, we have another hour, let's make more!" and on and on. complete nightmare. and band-aids was sent packing - largely, i think because he thought after all was said and done that the dish was delicious. after the judges looked at him and said, "really??" he came back with, "mos def." unwise, band-aids. about as unwise as your orange jeans.
next week? i'll be prepping for a party on friday, so might not get to update before the new year. i'm sure both of my faithful readers will be on pins and needles until i return.
the quickfire was my absolute favorite kind - a palate test. i wasn't crazy about the "name that tune" format, but i do love a good palate test. ok, was everyone ridiculously conservative or what? "i can name 4 ingredients in a curry??" say what? or the bouillabaisse...which - even if you (cheffies) don't know what it is - you can make some pretty educated guesses. since they were accepting "salt" i would hope that all the chefs could have tried for 6 or 7. anyway, hosea won. as long as the finn never wins again, i think everyone will be pleased. does anyone else, by the way get a bit of a boris & natasha vibe from the finn and the blondie i think is going to win? i think her name is jamie, but that's such a mild and unobjectionable name, i don't like it for her. tatty-bo seems rude enough, though. and damn it, inspired! half a glass of bubbles and i'm on fire already! so the finn has it bad for tatty-bo and keeps wanting to kiss her...and she clearly enjoys the attention, though i have no doubt that she's not remotely interested in the finn. she likes ladies...and he's...the finn. anyway, she's sucking more and more as the competition progresses, and i am looking ever harder for someone else to root for, because - ok. wait - again ahead of myself...
the wedding shower challenge was well-crafted. i have to give credit to the TC staff - the challenges are all very interesting - no more dumpster diving or mini-mart challenges, which is great. i wonder if leanne from season...1? 2? is partly responsible for that. she's super slender now, btw - she looks terrific - check out the bravo page if you're into that borderline-creepy-voyeuristic kind of thing. she's smoking hot! ok - so 4 teams - old/new/borrowed/blue. great theme - so sorry for the blues...not awesome. hard to be creative. the team was italian (who might be winning me over) drag-looking (sorry honey, but...) and leah, the hot one who is going to have one cranky boyfriend right about now. she does have superb skin for a cook, though. lucky girl. but blue food...no actual food is blue (blueberries, as tom points out, are really purple, as is the blue cornmeal the blue team uses to crust their chilean sea bass.) and really? chilean sea bass? i don't understand how whole foods justifies selling it - it's on the monterrey bay list of endangered and not to be eaten, but i'm sure the fine folks at whole paycheck have found a loophole somewhere. as the judges point out, it is pretty hard to screw up CSB...it's impervious to drying out. *anyway* their food was sad. it did not look actively bad, but it was very very sad. no texture, a pool of watery corn puree, some green chard and the blue bass. old people food was the verdict from he ladies, and i can't argue. that's how it looked. so they were in the bottom, but not in danger. the italian was clearly the leader of that team, and i thought he behaved well. he was going to defend himself, and then kind of realized he should just shut it, and he did, and i respected that.
the other middle team was team old, consisting of hosea, the dreaded finn, and a guy who looks like chase from House. jeffrey maybe? he's very pretty, but he unnerves me. whenever the contestants (never, ever "cheftestants"...ever) are speaking alone to the camera - like in "private diary time" or whatever, they list the chef's name, the city and restaurant they work at and their position. chase-alike works in miami at the unfortunately named "DiLido beach club". and yes. i admit it. every single time i see it, i think, what??? who would name a restaurant after a sex toy? is the extra "i" really fooling anyone? i didn't think so. so team new might be a total train wreck, and i'm not going to lie - i was pretty excited about it. hosea had immunity, the finn is the finn and chase-alike has to be running from about 1000 ghosts all the time. the team with Something To Prove...they chose heirloom tomatoes (an ok choice, if not totally fab). they all feel compelled to do something different - a tomato tasting, which seems un-cohesive to me, and i'm frankly a little surprised the judges didn't ding them for it. the finn makes a terrine (which is smart, though the judges thought it was bland), hosea does something i cannot remember with a purple cherokee (tomato) and chase-alike makes a savory tomato sorbet - much to the snarling disapproval of the finn who knows better than you do. about everything. the finn is king. long live the finn. except...giggle, suck it, finn! the judges loved the sorbet - everyone at the shower loved the sorbet. dana cowin (guest judge, gail's boss and editor of food and wine) wanted to do terrible things with the sorbet and chase-alike at his place of business. so there. take that, finn.
it's so hard to know where to go next, and i think i'll do winner first because - why not? so the winning team was team borrowed. i think this would have been the most fun theme, because it's so abstract. it's not fucking blue, for example. (food to hang yourself by? pint of ice cream? ugh. the poor blues.) ok - so team borrowed was the milf, tatty-bo and the indian girl who's always worried the judges will pigeonhole her as an indian cook. what do you think they "borrowed?" surprise! her culture! poor indy. they made what was by far the best looking, most cohesive dish. it was a carrot and vadouvan puree, a lamb chop and some raita. it became clear right away that indy was paranoid (so why make the raita and the lamb marinade only? maybe kick it up a little, gf?) milfy cooked the lamb - momma knows her meat and tatty-bo made the puree. she also seems to be taking credit for the entire dish. never mind that indy is...um...indian. vadouvan is one of tatty-bo's special trick ingredients (it's an spice blend.) at judges table she (TB) leaned in to milfy and said "i really want this" and then expressed shock and frustration when milfy was honored with the top award. "everyone thought it was going to be me." (or some such horseshit) get over yourself sweetie. was what milfy did hard? no...it's not hard to french and sear 7 racks, slap on someone else's marinade and then stand there with a thermometer. but milfy is *not* going to win. ever ever ever. she does well in team challenges - she's on the block every time it's all her. relax TB...and stop being so...finnish. it's not all about you.
oh the losers. ok. the emu, the hawaiian and the fattone combo i've just taken to calling band-aids. you know why. team new. a bush-league cluster from the opening bell. carla (the emu) may have something to offer. i'm rooting for you, girl, but i wish you'd spend a little less time being a hall monitor (she always seems to be around or commenting on other people's sex lives) and a little more time looking out for your own birdie interests, m'kay? so the hawaiian has Shit to Prove and maybe he's overcome some serious odds and i'm all for that. i was totally rooting for the short-order denny's cook on the last kitchen nightmares. but dude. wtf were you thinking? birdie is mute and band-aids is...i have no words...(finally) wtf? they decide to do sushi - which, not super new, right?? and then they're going to cook it - because that's new...and then people have to make their own and then there's a salad and then band-aids is making peach bbq sauce and sneaking mushrooms into birdie's salad and (choo-choo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) joder. i like the hawaiian. i shouldn't. he's not showing great judgement, but he knows it...ish...a little late, but he's honest and honorable on a show that plays that shit up because so few of them are. since when has "it's a competition" given people license to lie and cheat and steal? amazing. so hawaiian is a good guy. but he screwed up the rice. and didn't want to waste it (i'm sorry, is the recession worse than i think??) and no one else on the team said, "dude, we have another hour, let's make more!" and on and on. complete nightmare. and band-aids was sent packing - largely, i think because he thought after all was said and done that the dish was delicious. after the judges looked at him and said, "really??" he came back with, "mos def." unwise, band-aids. about as unwise as your orange jeans.
next week? i'll be prepping for a party on friday, so might not get to update before the new year. i'm sure both of my faithful readers will be on pins and needles until i return.
posted by the pieces @ 5:12 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home