apocalypto

ok lauren - this one's for you...

so i realize that this exposes as much if not more about me and how i spend my time than it does about the subject matter - but i give you (at least) 2 reasons why we deserve whatever armageddish, apocaclysmic, phanspastigorical fate 2012, (or its agent(s), LLC) drops upon us.

Making dinner last night and listening to NPR like a good little liberal, I heard a story about pitchmen...Billy Mays (rip) and the rise of the cheap, crappy products. It seems that a down economy leads to more ad times going at a cut rate. Introducing...the sluggie, the scatchop, etc.

Later, as I was watching TV, (it's Armageddon week on Discovery!) I saw an ad for "the brownie saviour" or somesuch. my mother in law got one of these for Christmas from a friend, and i really hope she enjoys it. i can't believe i've been without one for so long. apparently the bake sales of my youth were littered with jagged, lumpen turds we passed off as brownies! it's a wonder we ever sent little timmy to camp. luckily, we now have the brownie saviour. it seems that we need a tool to cut brownies into perfect rectangles for us. i thought i had one of those. i call it a knife. but in a moment of tv super nova - i saw the brownie saviour jump its own shark - right in the middle of "apocalypse island" (real show)...when i saw the ad for the big top cupcake. that's right. sit down, brownie. there's a new confectionary tool in town. and what could a nation of morbidly obese possibly need more than a ginormous caricature of pastry?

one you can fill with pudding.

by the way, the link goes to an "as seen on tv" website - in itself blog fodder - because while that site is delightfully snarky (read the blurb), the people posting comments are all too earnest.

is that? i think it's...horses...?

so after the discovery channel show, i ended up on MTV. this very rarely happens, which is the only explanation for why it has taken so long for me to bring you - "jersey shore."

for the uninitiated, "js" is a terrifyingly low-budget love child of the real housewives and the real world - or really - as rob put it absolutely best, "it's like a whole show of that website with the douchebags." (btw - i re-found that site by googling, "tanned mullet jersey boys." second link. thank you, master google. suck it, bing. seriously - why do we need you?

so i think the premise (a la RW) is that 7 or 8 of south jersey's most haggard head down the shore for the summer to see how much penicillin a body can process in 2 months. they share a fairly ish house - it's ok, but plainly, not a real world-style remodel...there's a substantial amount of carpet. at least, for now. i have no doubt the landlord has been forced by the county to tear it up since the show aired.

now, i have no idea how old these people are...intellectually, i know they can't be older than 25, but it didn't stop me from applying a thicker layer of face cream than usual before bed. all of the characters have "other names" (yes, in quotes) most of which make no sense. like jen, is "jwoww" - unless they mean it like, "hey isn't that the girl we went to middle school with? you know, j---woww...no yikes, that must be her grandmother." but i don't think that's how they mean it. i really don't. there's another guy named mike, but next to his name it always says, "the situation." wtf does that mean? don't get me wrong, i enjoy doing a little mike tyson voice in my head every time i see it, but, again - i really don't think that's the point.

so in the episode i watched, "snooki" (who looks like what might have happened if elvira and christina aguilera had a really ugly baby together), gets punched in the face by a stranger (a relatively normal - if admittedly rotten guy) after she shoves a massive fake nail in his face and unleashes a stream of invective..wha?? he was taking her shots!! nobody messes with "wookie!!!" especially not at the beachcomber on shot night! oh - and then "the situation" was totally trying to "creep" (their word. and it means exactly what you think it does) on some random girl. and that just really pissed off jwoww and ronnie (no quotes...they can't fit on the screen with his massively steroided body) because, like, it's kind of in poor taste...and what about "snoggie?" it was like "the situation" didn't care about her at all! and she's a really sweet girl.

i wish i could make this up - but i am beginning to think that in 2012, we're all going to have seen one (too many) "js" episode and throw ourselves upon the mercy of the mayan sun god.

do you think he might like a giant cupcake?