holiday ennui and more bad carma

i have never had good luck with cars. accidents that totaled them (and almost me), terminally plagued CV boots, exhaust rebuilds (yes, plural) more axle and tie rod issues than i can count. through it all, i remain (pathetically) optimistic. after all, few if any of these issues have been within my control. i keep thinking - well surely now...this must be it - the car *has* to be happy after all of this. and they never are. after my major accident i went to spain and decided that the burro was a much more appropriate means of transportation for me. i entertained notions of walking my burro (seamus? orcchiette? accord?) to the village and gathering our groceries from the market. i may need to revist this option.

Tuesday afternoon after school i swung by the house to drop off my gear and take stock of my kitchen to see what i needed for my contribution to the thanskgiving feast we enjoyed at jenny & anson's. i got back into the car, started her up and was on my way. about 20 yards in, i heard and felt something very bad. it was a kerklunk. the car slipped out of gear and hitting the gas just yielded a miserable whinny, a cloud of smoke and a rev. i turned the car off, turned it back on again and it was fine. i went about my business at the store, gathering the daily production from an entire dairy and staggered out of the store with my packages. turned on the car, backed out, put it in first and nothing. well, not nothing, i was graced by the grinding braying sound and the ever helpful revving. in the middle of the packed lot. a nice guy helped me guide it into a space and then backed quickly away as he saw my face on the verge of crumple. i sat in the car weeping openly, freaked, tired, and totally overwhelmed. i pulled myself together, grabbed 40 pounds of dairy and walked home. i called rob who told me he'd be working late, so likely unable to help me get home from the body shop when i had it towed there. i called AAA and was dubiously promised that the dispatch would call me when the driver was 5 minutes away. when she did, i booked it back up to the store to find the lot completely jam packed and the most enormous flat-bed tow truck i've ever seen cruising the lot like nessie in a bathtub. the driver (to whom i'll refer as penn, given his resemblance to the comedian) was maybe a little too gleeful about holding up traffic in a high-end grocery store two days before a holiday, but in his defence, the patrons were pretty rude and generally clueless...honking at the truck, waiting to turn in well before he was done (there are many ways into the lot). he was somewhat lathered as we made our way to the repair shop. his righteous indignation about the shoppers ("i know none of them was a doctor...because they didn't have any patience") turned introspective on our journey, the longest mile and half of my life. he decided it was appropriate (attractive? appealing??) to tell me why and for whom his wife had left him last year. i was as unresponsive as i thought was marginally polite. i didn't want any part of any part of that conversation, so when he offered to drive me home, i declined, grabbing my celery root and potatoes and relishing my freedom from penn.

the next morning my mechanic called and i heard the storm clouds in his voice. i think (despite the money they make off me) that in a way, these guys wish i'd find another mechanic. i think i depress them a little. i need a new transmission - he kept saying, girl, i don't understand it - you have a manula transmission, this isn't supposed to happen. meanwhile, the financial pinch notwithstanding - i've become used to this kind of news. so i authorize everything (while they're in there, they might as well replace the clutch since it has 90+K on it too) sure - go ahead - whatever. who needs shoes, or christmas presents or chef coats that don't make me look like a tonka.

all of this car rant aside, i was really really looking forward to having 5 days off and spending some time with rob. too bad it's sunday and i've seen him for 3 hours total since thursday. friday he worked 8-9pm, yesterday 9-9pm and he's been at work since 9:30 this morning. so even though we had a great time on thanksgiving (which i'll devote a separate paragraph to) the weekend has been a let down for me, and poor boy is on autopilot. i'm also somewhat trapped since i have no car. i drove him in yesterday, but i try to drive his car as little as possible since i'm thyphoid mary to cars.

the bright spots in the weekend were those not spent wallowing. friday night jess got a bunch of us together (and came to get me since rob was still at work!) for dinner at buenos aires grill. she wanted to go because they do live tango - which was pretty cool. i thought the food was ok - nothing i'd go back for. she and i shared the parradilla (grilled meat plate) which was interesting because i knew there would be some kind of variety meat on it and that's exactly the way i want to try that stuff - with no pressure. the selection that night was sweatbreads, the thymus gland of a cow. just from looking at it i knew it was something i'd never had. it was very dark in the restaurant and we thought it might have just been fatty meat, but it's just the texture - it has a meat-paste or "creamy" texture i just don't enjoy. intellectually i think i understand why people like it - and with the grill flavor the taste was fine, but it was rich in a way i did not care to pursue. rob came and met us for a quick glass of wine which sent me over the moon. we were home at 10 and he was asleep soon thereafter. sigh.

thursday was also really fun. anson and jenny have a gorgeous house, similar to ours in age and size that they've done extraordinary things to - it looks wonderful. they have a great kitchen with good workspace on both sides of the stove. and the layout is great for several people to snack and socialize while others cook, prep or putter. the food, wine, conversation and cooking were all great. i didn't make much (potatoes, ice cream & some salmon canapes) but everything i did went really well with what they made. i loved the celeriac soup (so simple, so good), the brussels and the stuffing, which was very much like my mom's - in the best way. i also think pomegranate seeds kick cranberry sauce's ass. much prettier, much cleaner and better texture. anson's mile-high apple pie and my burnt sugar ice cream were a great match too. it was very cool to like everything on the table with no sweet potato-marshmallow or green bean casserole landmines to avoid. i've managed to be completely unproductive from an academic standpoint this weekend, and so i think i may take my text book up to a cafe and do some reading to get out of here and get some fresh air since it's gorgeous outside. perhaps also servsafe? the reflection of my own glamour is blinding.

return of an old nemesis

judgement. i have struggled with this for my whole life. friends will suddenly confess that before they knew me i scared them, or they thought i was a bitch. somehow, once they're my friends, they can never seem to explain what i did to put them off. before they are, they refuse to articulate it or avoid what i guess they think will be a confrontation. this has happened enough that i think it must be me - i'm putting something out there that rubs a segment of the populace the wrong way. i just wish someone could actually pinpoint it for me. here's the thing, people - it fucking sucks to be judged unfairly. i'm using the word unfairly very deliberately. everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you're going to clue people into it, the very least you can do is to justify it. rob and i were talking about this tonight. everyone makes judgements about people - sometimes flattering, sometimes complicated, sometimes unflattering - but unless you're prepared or inclined to discuss those opinions in depth, you keep them to your fucking self.

tonight i was in a social situation and someone who clearly does not get me said they felt judged by me. this was after a couple of digs and a backhanded compliment. when you say something flattering about someone under your breath to the person next to you - is it really all that flattering? i was totally taken aback by the comment. i suppose i should have said, "why do you feel that way? what have i done to make you feel judged?" perhaps that would have created an environment conducive to free expression. but i've kind of had it with this person, and i'm not one to enable passive aggression in general. fuck free expression. instead - partly because we were in someone's kitchen and there were people around who were apt to listen in at any moment - i said - "that's in your head." and then i walked away. in retrospect, i wish i'd said something like - "let's take this up another time." but i didn't. i have dreams like this too, where i respond in one way and then think later, why did i stop the conversation? i think i was just really offended and i thought the situation made me unfairly vulnerable. do i really need to discuss my (perceived or real) personality flaws with 15 people around?

i really do want to know what i've done to offend or make this person so uncomfortable, i feel like i've gone out of my way to be friendly, even kind - though i know there's awkwardness between us. tonight though, i felt totally blindsided - and more than once, which was *not* awesome. our first social interaction was initially very awkward and it was more than partly my fault. i thought at the time, however, that i made things right and explained my position and motivations and was pretty brutally honest - exposing some pretty ugly things about my character. tonight it was sort of brought up casually as though i hadn't clarified...like maybe the memory is different for the two of us. not uncommon i suppose, but honestly - not a huge incentive for me to be forthtright about my feeling going forward. plus it felt like a smackdown. especially since the realityis that i really respect this person's experience and work ethic and have made several point to let them know how i feel. i just can't help but feel like the comment was a projection. it's not that they think i'm judging them, not really, but that they've judged me, and it's hard to learn anything from someone who thrusts labels on you without knowing you. think them, feel them, test them subtly, but shut up until you're really sure. once you verbalize it - you can't take it back - and you have to justify it. i'm spent. i've gone in at least one, if not two circles, and HACCP has not been the beneficiary.

sani-who?

i have a midterm on tuesday for my sanitation class. i know the professor is hard, i know i need to study, but i'm having trouble. it's hard to know if it's my old (terrible) study habits, or if it's the fact that sanitation - and what we learn in sanitation is in many ways diametrically opposed to what goes on in a high-end kitchen. clearly, the fundamentals are present in all even marginally responsible kitchens - at least in theory - shit does not belong in food. (wash your hands) but that's just the beginning. there are so many ways we can get people sick - some of them are totally beyond our control. as i ate my half dozen kumamotos last night, i couldn't *help* but wonder about that waters they lurked in...how clean was that water? was there perhaps a tinge of listeria? i swallowed, smiled and drank more champagne, trying not to spoil what should have been a pure pleasure.
i think my real unease comes down to the fact that it's pretty impossible to keep people safe from the actions of other people - theory doesn't really further any of those aims. london has pretty impressive security - so does spain for that matter. fat lot of good it did all those dead people. and here i am, recklessly continuing to use a sponge - i might as well smear chicken blood on that carrot i've carelessly set on the counter. i really just can't live that way. my grandmother used to sit in her apartment drinking sanka and handing out advice like busfare - "don't walk barefoot, you could step on a needle and it could pierce your heart." or. "don't lock the door, what if you should collapse and no one can reach you in time?" i can't live like that. are we really supposed to look at our scallions and parsley with mistrust? are they planning some kind of coup de cuisine? am i seriously taking my life in my hands with the words, medium rare burger? like countless other things in life - on tuesday from 9-10:30, it doesn't matter what i think, it doesn't even matter what i intend to do, or how or why i justify it; suffed things need to reach 165 for at least 15 seconds.

the slacker files

ok, i've been remiss. i've got to figure out a way to plan this into my day at least a couple of times a week. can i jettison wretched ray and her burger fiestas? i bet i can.

rob and i had dinner last night with the lovely jenny and her quietly passionate husband anson. we went to lark and ordered to our heart's content. 2 pinots and a bottle of sparkling later, rob confessed that he was drunkish. who can blame him? somehow i felt fine, but i'm sure i wasn't the clear bell i imagined myself to be. best dish of the night to me was definitely the bass. striped? black? sea? striped, i think. served with coins of fingerling and leeks. the coins looked like hearts of palm, but provided pleasing firmness. the creamy leeks addded a little sweetness and the crispy-skinned bass the perfect salty crunch to offset the mild flesh. i'd definitely have that again.

other hits - pork rillettes (and thank you to jenny for the intro to rillettes a few weeks ago. there's no turning back it.) it was rob's favorite. he just swung in and told me, but i knew last night when it disappeared from his plate in 12 seconds. i also loved the guinea hen bolognese, which rob and i have had before, but just had to have again. there is really nothing that beats the texture of good fresh pasta, particularly thinly rolled, wide cut pasta. this was three overlapping sheets with a lovely sausagey sauce. rob and i commented the first time how un-poultrylike the texture of the bolognese seemed. almost as though they ground the guinea hen and moved on from there. whatever the technique, the effect was pleasing,

spanish anchovies are always a favorite of mine, and the salad, kind of an escabeche, that accompanied them appealed to my love of all things vinegary. we had a ragout of wild boar with porcini and great northern beans. i thought the beans were a little firm, but the boar was lovely and tender. i've been leery of fresh porcini since my vegetarian thanksgiving and the great mushroom gravy fiasco. i'm pleased and relieved to discover that fresh porcini are silky, herbaceous and mild - nothing like their dried cousins which to me taste like a hallucination in the making. also ordered was elk crepinette - not all that impressive. caul fat, as i understand it, is designed to melt slightly and basically bard (oh yes, i said bard) the meat. i thought the interior was (still) a little dry and maybe too gamey/livery tasting for me. sauteed mushrooms, which we've had before and liked, needed something. anything. more salt...thyme, sherry, a shallot...bueller? the last thing i remember was a rosti potato topped with creme fraiche and sturgeon caviar. it's delicious. it's perfect, and i love it - but come on, sundy - it's a hashbrown.

desserts were not that good, which is very unusual in my experience at lark. we had a bay leaf flan with almond biscotti, a pear tarte tatin and some kind of fruit crumble with buttermilk ice cream. i confess that i love buttermilk ice cream and crumble topping to blindness, so that was my favorite, dispite having no clue what the fruit was. apple huckleberry? was there pecan? no idea. the tarte was doughy to me. maybe the pear was too ripe or the puff was underbaked, but i didn't get the 3 distinct sensations i like in a good tatin - firm, flaky and sticky. i just got the sticky. i really have no love for flan, but the bay flan worked - especially with the biscotti. something floral popped out with the biscotti that was missing without it. flan is still baby foodish to me, but i admire the creativity and the deliberate role of the biscotti. no incidental biscotti. (great band name)

it was great to finally meet anson. after hearing so much about someone, it's fun to see dimension. hopefully they're not packing for canada or changing their phone number and we'll get to know them better.

other tales of the week...yesterday was my first day back in the first quarter kitchen after almost a month. naturally i was sent to clean out the drip pan from the grill. good thing i'd just washed and ironed my chef's coat. i also peeled and seeded bell and ancho peppers and chiffonaded some cabbage. oh, sorry, am i boring you? take a number.

the rest of last week was spent in the dining rooms of square one and one world. most of my lessons were in what not to do, which might explain why the week felt so odd...kind of negative and disconnected. i thought it was the dining room atmosphere, which is always fraught with gossip and drama and pettiness, but i think it was more than that. my examples of student leadership, customer service and teamwork were all appallingly bad this week. how long can i cling to the positive when the only useful thing i learned was how to fold a napkin like a bishop's hat (ish)? other key lessons included who to avoid in 4th quarter kitchen (honey - you are not funny, just mean and bitchy - learn the difference before you enter a real kitchen or learn how to duck), how to manage fifth quarter students who think that the green napkin they tie so rakishly around their neck gives them licence to be snappish to customers and classmates alike, and that frenzy begets frenzy - never efficiency. i'm glad to be getting back to our kitchen. as insular as it is, i have purpose there. i'm looking forward to contributing to the bounty of prep that gets wheeled down to 2Q kitchen every afternoon.

i think i might have a job too. i'm a little hazy on details, and it may well end up being a twice only thing, but i'm hopeful that it will turn into something (perhaps flexible) that i can do a couple of times a week. it's at city catering - the company that caterered patti and greg's wedding. i really liked the owners when i went to patti's tasting with her, and one of my classmates works there and likes it, so i asked him to see if they were hiring. lisa, one of the owners emailed me back and told me they were looking to staff a couple of upcoming events at nordstrom stores. i'm a little unclear about details, but i think it's a lot of plating of pre-prepped food - but i'm not sure - haven't seen a menu.

today is rob's birthday and we're going to ovio. i see oysters and champagne in our future, but now i've got breakfast to make. anyone know the number of strips in a rasher?