return of an old nemesis

judgement. i have struggled with this for my whole life. friends will suddenly confess that before they knew me i scared them, or they thought i was a bitch. somehow, once they're my friends, they can never seem to explain what i did to put them off. before they are, they refuse to articulate it or avoid what i guess they think will be a confrontation. this has happened enough that i think it must be me - i'm putting something out there that rubs a segment of the populace the wrong way. i just wish someone could actually pinpoint it for me. here's the thing, people - it fucking sucks to be judged unfairly. i'm using the word unfairly very deliberately. everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you're going to clue people into it, the very least you can do is to justify it. rob and i were talking about this tonight. everyone makes judgements about people - sometimes flattering, sometimes complicated, sometimes unflattering - but unless you're prepared or inclined to discuss those opinions in depth, you keep them to your fucking self.

tonight i was in a social situation and someone who clearly does not get me said they felt judged by me. this was after a couple of digs and a backhanded compliment. when you say something flattering about someone under your breath to the person next to you - is it really all that flattering? i was totally taken aback by the comment. i suppose i should have said, "why do you feel that way? what have i done to make you feel judged?" perhaps that would have created an environment conducive to free expression. but i've kind of had it with this person, and i'm not one to enable passive aggression in general. fuck free expression. instead - partly because we were in someone's kitchen and there were people around who were apt to listen in at any moment - i said - "that's in your head." and then i walked away. in retrospect, i wish i'd said something like - "let's take this up another time." but i didn't. i have dreams like this too, where i respond in one way and then think later, why did i stop the conversation? i think i was just really offended and i thought the situation made me unfairly vulnerable. do i really need to discuss my (perceived or real) personality flaws with 15 people around?

i really do want to know what i've done to offend or make this person so uncomfortable, i feel like i've gone out of my way to be friendly, even kind - though i know there's awkwardness between us. tonight though, i felt totally blindsided - and more than once, which was *not* awesome. our first social interaction was initially very awkward and it was more than partly my fault. i thought at the time, however, that i made things right and explained my position and motivations and was pretty brutally honest - exposing some pretty ugly things about my character. tonight it was sort of brought up casually as though i hadn't clarified...like maybe the memory is different for the two of us. not uncommon i suppose, but honestly - not a huge incentive for me to be forthtright about my feeling going forward. plus it felt like a smackdown. especially since the realityis that i really respect this person's experience and work ethic and have made several point to let them know how i feel. i just can't help but feel like the comment was a projection. it's not that they think i'm judging them, not really, but that they've judged me, and it's hard to learn anything from someone who thrusts labels on you without knowing you. think them, feel them, test them subtly, but shut up until you're really sure. once you verbalize it - you can't take it back - and you have to justify it. i'm spent. i've gone in at least one, if not two circles, and HACCP has not been the beneficiary.