"and a paaartriiidge cooked in curry..."

my note from last night, when i wrote that gem down (which i *wish* i could claim as my own) said, "fucking genius. this is why you marry." yes, the quote is rob's, and it refers to the lovely radikha, who denies the influence of her culture at every step, but then proceeds to cook *every* dish with indian components. hold on - this calls for talisker...ok. that's better. last night's TC gave us not only martha stewart (in jeans skinny enough padma might have worn them) but also the sultry natasha richardson and the eternally grumpy michelle bernstein (who i always want to call sandra bernhardt).

quickfire was an ok one. i'm glad they've stopped doing things like - "and here to present your swanson broth challenge..." this was a good idea, which, ultimately, irritated me since it could have as easily been rachael ray as ms. martha. it was one pot cooking. most people cooked everything in the one pot, but in batches and stages. ok, you used one pot - 8 times - it might have kept to the letter, but not exactly the spirit of the challenge. given that she liked hosea's paella, which was cooked without batching in one pot, i think he should have won. but milfy ariane (and for the record - no. i would not.) is on a roll...and how much must it have meant to her to win a martha challenge?? tatty-bo was sulky, as usual. oh -  it occurred to me that my one or both of my readers might find the name "tatty-bo" a little insulting. do you prefer "tats mcgee?"  let me know. eugene, the tatted boy with something to prove thickened his stew with cornstarch. martha no likey. he got very very angry, and actually made a totally valid point that grandmothers everywhere rely on cornstarch. ok, well, have fun at the fair, eug! you may have just drawn (more) obvious attention to the fact that you're out of your league.

ok - so the regular challenge was evil...12 days of christmas, each chef randomly picks from the song and has to create 8 lords a leaping or some such absurd fucking nonsense for 250 (alleged) people in 3 hours. alone. not even in august of 2007, at the height of my FS catering frenzy could i have accomplished such a thing - with planning. (and did anyone else notice that there were *maybe* 50 people there??) 

the event was to support AIDS research, and TB made a point of noting the fact that she's a part of the gay community. (thanks tats...GOT IT. btw - lots of lesbians with AIDS? maybe not but i bet you have *loads* of gay male friends...hmm, whatever,  but i guess it's more important - or somehow more *yours* than anyone else's? why does she stick in my craw?) i'm starting to root for the italian. he's funny. i have no interest in being under the mistletoe with him, but thanks for asking, bravo.

i can't recall what everyone made, but eug had "5 golden rings" i turned to rob and said, fuck it, i would have made *damn* sure that some panko-coated oniony goodness adorned my food. does it matter what you serve if each morsel is crowned with 5 baby shallot rings? but wait - they're cooking for 250! and they each had maybe 8 plates at a time on their stations. whatever.

so radhika does something with duck, and hosea does something with pork tenderloin and the fridge their food was in (though, oddly, not the rest of radhika's duck, just the part she was planning to use) was warm when they arrived the day of the event. in the words of the great robert cray i suspect foul play. i can just leanne sauntering back into the kitchen late that night and pulling the door open, or unplugging the fridge... watch what happens, bitches!

and the next morning...from tragedy emerges friendship...the whole crew pitched in. and everyone found time to help radhika and hosea. and yes. ok? are you happy? it got to me. my eyes were shiny. i was touched. even though i *knew* that radhika had *not* broken down 40 ducks the night before (and even if she did - she didn't really...taking the breasts off is hardly breaking the ducks, but perhaps i'm splitting hairs) and even though i *knew* that if these poor bastards were *really* cooking for 250 people, it would have been every man for himself...it did get to me. a little. until TB had to mention that she wanted to help - even though it was a competition. then i wanted to throw my wineglass at the tv.

so at the event everyone's doing their thing and selling their sell and natasha seems to like the finn and the finn definitely likes natasha and i would not be one bit surprised if he had an extra little pot pie with her name on it. (real or fake? tashie's decolletage seemed a little too...taut for a woman of her...cougarishness.) and tom was utterly appalled at the dishes. i wonder if they hadn't put the completely insane challenge to them if the food would have been better. tom was dismissive of ariane (devilled eggs) saying - you will not win this competition making devilled eggs. guess what? she will not win this competition. after the judging (and before the loser was put out to pasture) tom talked to all the chefs and basically told them to stop fucking around and being safe or boring. leah, the snub-nosed, pretty one got a little mouthy and sulky with tom. do what? who do these people think they are? this is tom f-ing colicchio. someone needs a spanking. i'm going to leave it at that.

the winner was hosea, though grudgingly. chase-alike almost won for what seemed to be a completely confusing pile of tastyish whatnot. i'm not sure. but people liked it. or drunk starlets liked chase-alike. who can say? i was totally asleep at that point.

the bottom 3 were tatty-bo (say what?) eug and the unfortunate mannish one with the 9-foot bangs. i think she's from portland. anyway, they set it up that eug was out (and he probably should have been) and clearly, i've already called it - TB will win, so, sorry man hands...you're done. her thing was 8 maids a milking (which makes my "out to pasture" comment really funny, right?) and she did some kind of seared beef with blue cheese on brioche. i think her original cheese was in the damaged fridge too, but she didn't mention it. wouldn't have mattered - she clearly lied in her application video...the girl was kind of a zero on film. she might be a crazy talented cook, but we never saw it. we saw sissy hankshaw, in duller times. cranky michelle bernstein only tasted cheese. ok, but i assume you like cheese. and it *was* 8-maids-a-milking...cheese isn't totally beyond the pale here, and you actively hated eug's coconut milk fish dish - and TB's scallops which were described as "warm," and "slimy." there may have been actual shuddering. the editing on these shows is always kind of irksome. the way you know someone won't be eliminated is because the diary and trailer footage makes it seem like they will. every day is opposite day on bravo. and tatty...what's with the scallops? next week i think she uses them again and the italian is quoted as saying, "this is top chef, not top scallop" that was funny. he's my favorite. he's still ridiculous, but he has heart.

alrighty...it's after 12. i'm doing a dinner for 50 tomorrow...if i can get out of WS. we had 6-8 inches of snow over here. good powdery stuff. i was cooking all day, so the only exposure i had to it was when i laid my beef tenderloin slices on a sheet pan and stuck it into the snow to cool quickly. time and temperature, yo.

this is my bleary-assed self pre-talisker...my hair is insanely curly. i washed it before bed last night and tied it up into a bun. i just took it down now, 24 hours later. a little much...but you can't really see that. all you get is a glimpse of my favorite scarf. stolen from patti. i'm rocking the fuchsia.